I Am Disappeared

I am a code. Encrypted, complex and multi layered.

This code was designed by me in ancient wisdom with a humorous twist who threw away the key. That me, that ancient all-knowing me, sits and watches as I search and delve deep within and without to unravel this Code of me.

I am a paradox. I am both the watcher and the player in this game of life and the paradox deepens as I am also the code, the encryption and the key.

I know this.

I am everyone and everywhere in every time and yet I slip and slide lost in twisted paths, amongst the stars strewn throughout creations midnight work of art.

Countless times it seems as if I almost crack the key to this code of me, until I discover another layer and then yet another. Teasing, tempting and calling me on as if this was a paper chase in a sultry summer breeze.

I am vanished, disappeared deep into my dream.

Invisible amongst the debris scattered across creations endless layered weaving.

There is a fragile sense of expectation that this puzzle will complete and all the answers will be known. Here and now, in this time and place.

And yet - every sunrise this game of life dares me to rise and walk a concrete path from beginning to end in this warped distorted world of mine.

Each day I wake with half a dream lingering, tears upon my cheeks, knowing something significant. I scramble to connect pieces as they drift away to maybe come back, in an altered form, when other pieces are found and gathered, in other places, in other dreams.

Another endless broken day brings waterfalls of tears falling unchecked into puddles, draining deep. I lock myself away where I cannot be reached; the voices that call are as faint as whispers spoken in some far off forgotten world.

To try and frame the language, to explain to others what I mean when I say, life is too laborious, leaves me grasping for words to describe what I truly mean to say. There just aren’t the right words. They’re too solid, too mundane; too crisp and angular. The effort of speech is too physical.

I feel alone within this world as if an outsider, an observer.

Often I sit upon a rock looking far off shore; out to sea and wonder what, if anything is here for me in this unyielding world. I long for a life that allows me to be a fairy princess or a knight in shining armour in a land of greens and blues and vibrant coloured flowers and trees, with castles built from crystals soaring high amidst the stars. There would be dragons and dinosaurs and words that float like gossamer, weaving stories out of the mists of thoughts and dreams.

I do not fit; I do not know how to be a participant in the rites of passage that others merge so fluidly.

I have tried to tell you that I feel as if I am unravelling, as if I am a favourite multi coloured woollen jersey. As I unravel these threads of me I see, as if through a fleeting kaleidoscope, events and thoughts and words and people that have journeyed through my life, or past me on my way and they on theirs.

I can hear every word said and why, every thought left unexpressed. I see my sadness and every other person’s grief, and my joy and despair and theirs, loneliness and love… and so much more. It overwhelms me.

Endless lines of endless lives.

And so I sleep.

Disappeared into my dream.