I am Bexley The Bloodletters Scourge chap 35 “heavy is the sword”

I brought my katana on this journey, but now I feel my entire body changing, I can’t hold it anymore.

I would usually have Ax carry it for me, but he isn’t here. He’s with my husband Stan and the rest of our family and friends.

There’s no way to know how they’re doing or if they’re okay. My gut tells me that they’re okay, but I can’t help but be nervous and anxious about them anyway.

Serena is holding it for me now, and Clara is making extra food for me.. such a weird concept of consuming and digesting food. My stomach hurts more and is slowly becoming used to actually eating something. Zombies as a whole never eat, they can’t. It makes to balloon up, and eventually their undead body will deteriorate.

Hudson is helping me with my own unsteady movements, as we continue going back to Asher. I’m hoping that aurora crystal that Amory gave him will help heal and wake up Asher from his coma. Or, maybe he will already be awake when we get back.

I can’t imagine the feeling of helplessness when you can’t do anything to help someone you love.

Well, I can. My parents when they died in that terrible Bloodletter raid, when they burned down my old childhood zombie home and neighborhood. I felt more helpless than anything that day.

I did something horrible that day. I look at the sword that Serena is carrying for me, so heavy now that I can’t even hold it up anymore.

But it’s heavy in other ways.

We sit down to eat. I’m so tired and I feel so bad that I’m keeping the group hostage essentially by my growing condition. I’m still unsure if I’m pregnant or if it’s my biology changing.

“Thank you Clara for cooking,” I sign to her.

“Your cooking is so dang delicious, Clara-bell,” Serena says to her.

Clara smiles, signing, “You’re welcome!”

Hudson takes a huge hunk of fish in his mouth, “Yeah, so good. Thanks Clara!”

“Don’t eat like an animal! You’re gross!” Serena teases.

Hudson sticks out his tongue and Serena makes an ick sound.

“We’re getting close to being home, right?” I sign.

Hudson nods. “Yup, I believe so, Bex. We should be home by nightfall.”

Serena stretches, close to the flickering fire Hudson made.

“I can’t wait. I’m tired. Tired as hell,” Serena says.

Clara shrugs. “I like being outside.”

Serena scoffs. “A pretty thing like you needs to be pampered not live outside like a wild bear.”

Serena shakes her head, “I’d like to be a bear.”

Serena and Hudson laugh.

“I’d like to be a coyote, maybe,” Serena pretends to growl, pouncing on her girlfriend as they laugh.

“What about you, Hudson?” I ask.

He shrugs, eating more big bites, “Whatever animal gets me home fastest. You?”

I shrug back, “I think I am.. well, I used to be a bull.”

“A bull? You? No, Bex. You’re a sweet kitten,” Hudson teases.

“No, no. You don’t know me. I’m a bull,” I clarify. Hudson gives me a funny look.

“I don’t know you?” Hudson asks, looking at me with scrunched features, like he’s upset and confused at the thought.

Serena chimes in, “Boy, how can we ever really know everything about the ones we love? You do there’s a secret world inside someone’s soul, their mind..”

Clara gives her a dirty look. Serena sighs, looking apologetic.

“Cept you, Clara, you know everything about me,” Serena fixed, making Clara latch onto her arm.

“Don’t call me boy, I’m a man,” Hudson grumbles.

Serena laughs, and I do too. My laugh used to sound like a small set of mouse squeaks, now it is louder, deeper, richer.

Clara gives me a sideways look. “You sound different.”

I take a sip of water. Another terrifying development. I used to be horrified by the sight of water. Now I drink it!

“I feel different,” I sign, and they all nod.

“How exactly are you a bull?” Hudson directly asks me.

Serena sighs. “Here we go,” she says sarcastically.

Hudson gives Serena a sideways look, frowning.

“Listen, Bex, you said something and I’m challenging it. What are you?” Hudson says with a serious look.

Clara gives Serena an uncomfortable look.

I sit up straight. “I’ve killed. I have killed many others. Bloodletters. During those raids. When you told me, Hudson, about my parent’s death. About how they died by the fires they started. Do you remember?” I sign to him. He nods solemnly.

“I remember,” he says quietly.

“I only saw red that day. The smoke and the fires didn’t stop me. I only wanted.. I wanted…” I sign, looking down.

“Revenge, isn’t it?” Serena added.

“Is that why you try to help the Bloodletters now? To somehow make things right?” Hudson asks, and I shudder.

“Jesus, Hudson, cut the gal some slack,” Serena says in an annoyed tone.

I pat her shoulder, “No. It’s okay, Serena. He’s right. I feel ugly with guilt, ashamed of myself. I did something out of spite. Out of anger. I was afraid so I let myself cave in.”

“So you’re a coward?” Hudson asks, giving me a direct glare.

I nod. “I was a coward for what I did.” I take in a wispy breath, feeling choked up. “That’s why my katana.. it feels heavy, so heavy. I want to ask them for forgiveness but I don’t know how.”

“You’re kind of a jerk, honestly,” Clara signs.

“I know,” I sign to her. She shakes her head.

“I didn’t mean you, Bexley. I meant Hudson.”

Hudson frowns. “Whatever, you all are just.. I gotta go take a break from this. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Don’t go too far! We’re leaving after dinner!” Serena yells.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Hudson yells back.

“Damnit, I’m so stupid. I keep thinking that things will start getting back to normal… but honestly nothing has ever been normal,” I sign frustratedly, standing and kicking at the dirt. “And we are so far away from the others, my husband… I miss him…” I cover my face.

It starts feeling wet and slippery.

“Oh darling, you’re crying…” Serena softly says.

Suddenly I’m feeling warm as my two friends embrace me.

I accidentally touch the tang of my katana, shivering suddenly. There’s a single twitch and movement in my stomach as I look away.

“I’ll never kill again,” I sign to them as I wipe my face.

“Let’s keep your sword as a symbol then,” Clara suggests. “A reminder.”

“Damn. I was going to say let’s just put it somewhere and go. This shit is getting heavy!” Serena cackled, making us giggle.

“It’ll get lighter with time,” Clara signs.

I nod. I hope so too.