How to Pretend You're Not Being Controlled by an Alien Parasite.

SECTION 1: MASTERING BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR

STEP 1: Maintain Natural Facial Expressions

Humans rely heavily on facial cues to determine whether another human is “acting weird,” “behaving strangely,” or “clearly possessed by something unspeakable.” To avoid suspicion, you must master the art of the casual expression.

Blink occasionally. Not too often. Not too little.

If unsure how often humans blink, observe the nearest one and copy them.

Do not stare unbroken for more than thirty seconds. People dislike that for reasons that remain unclear.

If your smile becomes too wide, narrow it.

If it becomes too narrow, widen it.

If your jaw begins to unhinge, rehinge it immediately.

Note: If your eyes begin glowing, claim you are wearing novelty contacts. Humans love novelty contacts.

STEP 2: Speak in a Casual, Human Manner

Humans communicate using a combination of words, tone, and subtle social cues. You will need to imitate these.

Use contractions. Humans love contractions. They cannot resist them.

Do not refer to your host body as “the vessel.”

Avoid announcing your intentions to assimilate the neighborhood.

When greeting others, say “Hello,” not “Salutations, carbon‑based life unit.”

If you accidentally speak in your native frequency (the one that causes small animals to flee), cough loudly and blame allergies.

If you find yourself narrating your actions aloud (“I am lifting the cup. I am chewing the food. I am inhaling oxygen.”), stop immediately. Humans find this unsettling.

STEP 3: Blend Into Social Situations

Humans gather in groups for reasons that remain scientifically dubious. You must participate.

At work:

Nod during meetings.

Occasionally say, “That’s a great point.”

Do not attempt to mind‑meld with your supervisor, even if it would be more efficient.

At dinner:

When invited to dinner, do not request a bowl of warm nutrients.

Eat the food provided. Even if it tastes like sadness.

If you begin levitating, pretend you are stretching.

At Parties:

Laugh when others laugh, even if you do not understand the joke or the concept of humor.

Do not attempt to absorb anyone through osmosis.

If someone asks what you do for fun, do not say “observe.”

SECTION 2: HIDING PHYSICAL SIDE EFFECTS

Your parasite may cause minor bodily changes. These are normal and nothing to worry about, unless you are the host, in which case you should worry constantly.

Common Symptoms and Solutions

Glowing eyes: Claim you’re trying out a new brand of eye drops.

Elongated limbs: Blame yoga.

Translucent skin: Moisturize aggressively.

Sudden telekinesis: Pretend it was the wind.

Uncontrollable humming: Say you’re into throat singing.

Extra appendages: Wear layers.

If your parasite begins speaking through your mouth without your permission, gently remind it that this is a shared space.

SECTION 3: TROUBLESHOOTING PARASITE‑HOST CONFLICTS

It is normal for the host and parasite to experience occasional disagreements. Here are common issues and recommended solutions.

Issue 1: The Host Resists

If your host attempts to regain control of the limbs, negotiate calmly.

Offer snacks.

Promise to let them choose the next TV show.

Remind them that resistance is statistically futile.

Issue 2: The Parasite Oversteps Boundaries

If your parasite tries to take over completely, set firm limits.

“No, we are not declaring dominion over the grocery store.”

“No, we cannot rearrange the neighbor’s DNA.”

“No, we cannot eat the mailman.”

Issue 3: Internal Screaming

If you hear the host’s internal screaming, turn up the radio.

SECTION 4: CASE STUDY — A TOTALLY RANDOM EXAMPLE NOT BASED ON A REAL PERSON

To illustrate the principles above, let us examine a hypothetical scenario involving a human named… Greg. Yes. Greg. A very real, very normal human.

Background

Greg was minding his own business when a small, shimmering organism launched itself into his ear canal at 3:42 p.m. on a Tuesday. This is statistically the most common time for parasitic bonding.

Day 1

Greg attempted to continue his daily routine. His parasite, however, was enthusiastic.

At work, Greg typed 400 words per minute.

His coworkers became suspicious.

Greg blamed caffeine.

Greg does not drink caffeine.

Day 2

Greg’s parasite tried to introduce itself during a staff meeting.

“HELLO FELLOW HUMANS I AM—”

Greg slapped his own face.

“—fine. I am fine.”

Day 3

Greg’s left arm began acting independently. His right arm filed a complaint.

Day 4

Greg attempted to write a message begging for help. The parasite edited it into a grocery list.

Day 5

Greg and the parasite reached a compromise:

Greg gets weekends.

The parasite gets weekdays.

They share holidays.

SECTION 5: ADVANCED CAMOUFLAGE TECHNIQUES

Once you have mastered basic human imitation, you may proceed to more advanced strategies.

Technique 1: Small Talk

Humans love discussing:

Weather

Traffic

Television shows they secretly hate

Pets

Other humans’ pets

The weather again

If you run out of things to say, simply repeat the last sentence the other person said but with a questioning tone.

Technique 2: Human Hobbies

Pick at least one hobby to appear relatable.

Acceptable options:

Baking

Gardening

Jogging

Complaining about jogging

Collecting things that do not need collecting

Unacceptable options:

Cataloging human weaknesses

Harvesting spores

Telepathic chess

Consuming stars

Technique 3: Human Sleep

Humans require sleep. You must pretend to do this.

Lie down.

Close your eyes.

Do not hover.

Do not emit light.

Do not whisper “Soon” into the darkness.

SECTION 6: IF YOU ARE DISCOVERED

Despite your best efforts, humans may eventually suspect you are hosting an alien parasite. If this happens, remain calm.

Signs You Have Been Discovered

People back away slowly.

Someone says, “Why are your pupils shaped like that?”

A neighbor points and screams.

The government arrives.

Recommended Actions

Smile reassuringly (but not too wide).

Say, “I’m just tired.”

If captured, detach from the host and scuttle toward the nearest air vent.

If your host begins writing messages begging for help, delete them.

CONCLUSION

By following the steps outlined in this guide, you can maintain the appearance of normal human behavior while enjoying the many benefits of parasitic companionship. Remember:

Blend in.

Act natural.

Do not unhinge your jaw in public.

And above all, trust the process.

You and your parasite are on a journey together — a journey of growth, adaptation, and occasional involuntary limb movement.

We wish you the best of luck.

We are rooting for you.

We are watching you.