How I Became Afraid of Everything

There are two types of people in the world; the outsiders and the insiders. I am an insider, which is to say I prefer to stay indoors. Not necessarily agoraphobic, but let's just say if I were agoraphobic, my life probably wouldn't be all that different.

The world is a scary place. I've got over 30-years experience, which is enough to safely make that statement. I'm not what you would call a "Yes Man”, but I'm not a "No Man" either. I'm sort of a "Not Anymore Man." You see, there's just a whole lot of things that I would, quite frankly rather not experience a second time around. They say there is safety in numbers, but the only number I really feel save with these days is roman numeral I.

Things weren't always this way of course. I used to be quite the daredevil. I've skateboarded off a 2-story roof, ridden every rollercoaster and thrill ride I could find, bungee-jumped and even been engaged; not once, but twice! The thing is, none of these things ever improved my life or gave me anything that I couldn't live without. In fact, in most cases it was quite the opposite.

When you are a little kid, it's pretty easy to think of the world as a big, scary place, but I wasn't so afraid. I was taught not to talk to strangers, yet my parents had to keep me on a leash in order to prevent me from wondering off with them. I just loved to make conversation with anyone that was around, but it only takes a few horror stories of kidnapped kids getting their organs sold on the black market to remind you to stay close to your parents.

One year, my parents got me a "My Buddy" doll for Christmas. I carried that thing around everywhere I went. That is of course, until my cousin decided we should watch Chucky. I screamed and cried and told my parents to get rid of it. They put it upstairs in the attic and for the next 6 years or so I pretty much could not sleep without having a nightmare of that thing coming down from the attic and getting me.

My parents weren't bad people, they were just not always very good parents. They weren't around much, so I had to teach myself pretty much everything. They say the best way to learn is from your own mistakes; so let's just say I learned a lot! My stepmother on the other hand, was a bad person. I was verbally and physically abused by her up until my teens, so I quickly realized that the boogie man was real, just not a man at all. She kept me locked up in the house most of the time, so you would think I would have grown up to love being outdoors, but after trying to sneak outside a few times as a kid, she was quick to remind me why I'd better stay put.

Before my parents divorced, we did go to the beach one time. I thought it was the most awesome thing ever at first, but that didn't last very long. I started walking along the beach and my parents were yelling for me not to go too far where they couldn't see me because somebody might take me. They also warned me of the dangers in the water like sharks, jellyfish and alligators. As I was walking, I saw a boy with no legs walking on his arms! I screamed, "Shark!" and ran all the way back to where my parents were sun bathing to tell them that I had seen a boy who had his legs bit off by a shark. It wasn't until I was older that I realized he was most likely born this way, but the damage was already done. As I was running back, I tripped over a rock, fell and busted my face on the ground, bleeding all over the sand. We never went back to the beach.

I did try swimming lessons when I was little at the YMCA, but the older kids thought it would be funny to hold me under the water. As they did, I tried to fight them off, struggling to keep my head above and catch my breath. This went on for a while until the lifeguard finally noticed. I was completely blue by the time she pulled me out of the water. She banned the older kids from the pool for the day. I banned myself from that pool for life.

When I was a little older, my stepmother died of cancer and my dad moved away. I moved in with my mom and finally got to go outside and make friends. My earliest childhood friends were very different than I was. They loved karate and fighting, hunting, fishing, and all kinds of outdoor activities; mostly all dangerous. When your friends are always trying to fight you, who the heck needs school bullies? I had both.

One time my friends and I decided to build a treehouse. I wasn't very good at it, and smashed my fingers every time I tried hammering in the nails. After an entire summer of building, we finished it. The first day we decided to have a treehouse campout and my friend Matthew brought a stun-gun he found in his grandparents dresser drawer. He started messing around with it and I got scared. He laughed and chased me with it, trying to zap me and I fell out of the treehouse and broke my collarbone. I've never went back to the treehouse.

Matthews grandparents weren't the only old folks with a weapon stash. My grandmother used anything she could find as a weapon. She would spank us for making too much noise or not finishing the food on our plates, and she would do so with a tree branch, belt, hairbrush, ping-pong paddle, or anything lying around. Once she got mad at us for leaving our toys out and so she smashed our toys and then poured uncooked rice on the concrete and made us kneel on it for hours. I still have those scars. Old people are scary.

Sports are scary too! I tried playing football in school, I spent every season in a cast, warming the bench. Well, I know what you are thinking, football is pretty intense. Well, it really doesn't matter what sport I played honestly. I've put many holes in the wall while trying to play darts and even hit a passerby in the head with a dart once! I tried playing pool twice in my life, once I ripped the table with the cue, and the other time I missed the cue ball entirely. The stick popped up and smashed the light hanging over the table. Those lights are expensive!

As an adult, I've made my share of mistakes. It always seems that wherever I go trouble follows. If I go to a party, people start fighting or the cops show up. Every girl I ever dated broke my heart and both of my fiancé's ended up cheating. So, eventually I just realized both love and women in general are pretty scary and I should just stay away from both entirely. My guy friends are just as bad. I've had my best friend of 10 years rob my house once, and I never heard from him again. Then there were those 2 separate years where I had birthday parties as an adult, and my friends and birthday guests stole all my presents amongst other things when they left at the end of the party. This happened twice, mind you! Friends are really overrated.

So now here we are, or should I say here I am. These are just a small fraction of the stories I can tell, but I think you get the point. These days I spend most of my time by myself, and I must say that my luck has never been better! I'm able to look for things in my house and find them because they aren't stolen, broken, or borrowed and never returned. I haven't been lied to, cheated on, punched, kicked or accidentally broken a bone in years. I live on my own with no murderous dolls or scary pets to attack me, and I still have all my limbs and have never had another encounter with a shark. All in all, I'd say life is not so bad, once you stay home and cut out all the scary parts. The only thing that scares me these days is my electric bill! Thankfully at least it's all paperless now. Have you ever gotten a paper cut on your tongue when sealing an envelope, or is that just me?

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