Homemade Meatballs

Oh, hello!

Oh, what did you say? I look out of breath? Oh, yes, I suppose I must. You are right. And I’m sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I was vacuuming up a bit. Heard nothing. You must have been ringing for a while.

Not too long?

Oh good.

How can I help you?

Oh…you’re name’s Olivia, is it? Ahh…yes….I apologize. I do remember you. We met at last year’s New Year’s Gala, yes? Oh…wait…I remember your dress. You had that red silk dress. Absolutely gorgeous. That silk was stunning…and your figure…to die for…or maybe kill for. Ahahaha.

Oh please, I look nothing like you. Your flattery is sweet but silly. I used to be a looker though…years ago. I remember Eddie staring at me for an hour across the room before he got the nerve to come and talk to me at a party…but, you’re still standing in the doorway. How rude of me. Do come in.

Don’t mind the mess…Oh yes, just step over that broken chair. Oh, you almost tripped! Got your bearings? Perfect.

Oh, yes yes. Everything is just fine. Of course I can tell you what happened!

You wouldn’t believe my foolishness.

I just wanted to change a lightbulb and of course I’m feeling too lazy to get the step ladder…who’d think this chair would be so frail. I suppose it’s like me now…old and brittle…but, turns out I’m stronger than I look. I’m standing here, and the chair is not. Ahaha.

Yes, you can leave your shoes on. Oh, it’s not a problem at all. Thank you for being thoughtful and asking though. But, as you see, I haven’t finished cleaning up. So, just come right into the kitchen.

Oh, I’m so sorry. All this blood on the counter. Looks absolutely disgusting. And look at your face! You looked absolutely terrified for a second!

I was grinding meat. I love to make my own meatballs. Oh, you love meatballs?  Me too. Did you want my recipe? Oh, you don’t cook. Well, you are a beautiful, single, young woman, aren’t you? There are more fun things for you to do.

You love baking? I do love pastries!

Don’t try to avert your eyes! I saw you look at my middle. Don’t worry dear. Ahaha. No need to apologize. I’m not sorry for a single pastry I’ve eaten, as my belly proudly displays! Ahahaha.

Eddie, he’s lucky though! He doesn’t get tempted by sweets at all. Never had an issue leaving a fresh baked sweet uneaten!

Oh! You’ve been bringing cakes in to work and he’s been saying he loves them? You must be a magician with the oven!

But, you mentioned at the door that you have something to drop off from the office for Eddie, yes?

Well, that’s a large pile! Oh, I am sorry! Here you are, holding that massive briefcase and I don’t even notice that your arms must be falling off!

Is that the new case work he needs to look over? Lord, every year Eddie keeps saying he’ll retire, but I finally decided I’ll have to cut his legs off, if I want him to stay home! Ahaha. My, you have a lovely laugh.

Oh, that’s not his case work? It’s yours? He told you he’d help you work on it this weekend as I was out of town? Ahh…yes…my plans changed last minute….

Oh no! Don’t feel bad for stopping by! You aren’t interrupting at all. In fact, your company is making my weekend much better! Things have been too repetitive lately. Eddie at work all the time. Always late. Always a case to work on. And myself, just cooking and baking things that half the time only I eat.

Say, why don’t you sit down and try a meatball? They’re almost done.

Oh no, you aren’t bothering me at all. No need to keep asking! I’m quite happy that you showed up when you did!

Oh, no. Eddie didn’t forget about you at all. He’s always just stepping out. As I said, you’d have to cut Eddie’s legs off if you wanted him to sit still.

But you dear, sit down. Sit down. Have a meatball before you join Eddie.

Oh, you think they smell amazing?

Here, there’s one straight from the oven!

Give it a bite.

Oh, oh…yes… careful, they are a bit hot.

It tastes as good as it smells?

Yes…yes…I thought it would. I thought it would…to you.

What do I mean by that?

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Oh do stop screaming,dear.

As I said, your arms looked like they were falling off. I just helped by shortening the hands a little.

Oh do not try and run for the door now.

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Well, see what you’ve made me do? Now I’ve broken another chair on you, and there’s you spitting up blood and Eddie all over my freshly cleaned floors.

Oh, do not cry. You are begging me now?

But dear, I gave you a chance. I did not even attempt to hide the axe. You really must never have cooked in your life to think one makes meatballs with an axe.

You are beautiful, but not quite the smartest. No wonder Eddie liked you so…and your….sweets.

But, here, let me help you get to the fridge before we continue.

Oh, do not pass out on me. You haven’t lost so much blood…yet.

Open those pretty eyes. Look. There’s Eddie, waiting for you.

Like I said, you’d have to cut off his legs to make him stop running off…or around. So, I did.

And while I was at it, I thought I might as well take off the hands, since he couldn’t stop touching everything with them….just like you….

Oh Lord! Stop screaming, you are very rudely interrupting me, and it is so difficult to concentrate on my story while holding you up by the hair as it is.

Yes, that’s right. Look right in the fridge.

Why? Why is Eddie in the fridge?

Well, how else am I supposed to keep meat fresh? I do love meatballs. And of course you loved my meatballs too. They smelled and tasted just like my Eddie did, didn’t they?

Oh, you didn’t do anything with Eddie? You promise?

Yes?

Promise again.

Again!

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Ah, there, now your tongue is gone.

We’ve made more of a bloody mess right by the fridge but now you won’t be able to taste what isn’t yours, and then lie about it.

Did you know that ox tongue is quite the delicacy. I’ve tried to keep your tongue in one piece just to see what I can cook up with it. Lordie, I won’t need groceries for weeks!

Ahahaha

Oh...now you are quite the runner too!

Let me take care of that.

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You’ve fallen silent….

I suppose I’ll get to cooking again then…