His Divine Itchiness

You know that itch you get right as you’re trying to nod off to sleep? The one that you’re not sure existed even after you’ve scratched the offending area? The one that springs up again on another part of your body when you’ve settled back in, snug under the covers? That’s me. Some may call me silly names like the Itch Fairy, but I prefer to think of myself as The Immortal God of Itchiness. You may call me Your Divine Itchiness. In my opinion, I am an essential, natural force in the world. Which would make me a god in the vein of Boreas, Notus, Zephyrus, and Eurus. (For those of you that never took Classics, I pity you. Those are the Four Winds of Greek Mythology. Though I never particularly liked them much, too flighty. Couldn’t nail them down in an RSVP for any party.) Plus I’ve never died, so there’s Exhibit A for immortality. Perhaps the only argument against my divinity is the fact that I feel the need to explain myself. But not being able to hold myself back is part of my highly endearing personality, so I think it’s fine.

What does a divinity do, then? Well, they have the state or quality of being divine. (Obvious in my case.) They can even be classified as a hero with divine powers, something or someone admired for achievements and noble qualities. Once again I find this obvious in my case, but I think here is where I need to explain myself. After all, you lowly mortal beings think much differently from us elevated folk. How, you might ask, is a force dedicated to keeping humans from sleep admired for its noble qualities? Especially one that uses something as mundane as a small itch to achieve its goals? Well, inside this question and answer combo is the true beauty and genius of what I do. Herein, I will argue for the noble qualities that my itchiness brings!

You may find what I do an annoyance; one that you could certainly do without, thank you very much. All it does is keep one from being refreshed and comfortable, leaving them without the energy to do all the necessary things needing to be done the next day blah, blah, blah. Humans do soooo love to complain, I’ve noticed. In point of fact, however, I make you humans stronger. I can sense your reaction right now. Disbelief, confusion, perhaps even anger. Yet, the truth still stands. I make you stronger. Think of those people you love to complain about most. It’s the people with a sense of entitlement! Entitlement big enough to darken any customer service worker’s day. The ones who trample others in a race no one else is running. Mr. Global Enterprise, Karen, etc.

These people need to be brought down a peg. There is an essential need for them to feel the discomfort that most others feel when forced to hear them speak. And I provide it! I provide the experience that can bring about a change in them that usually only happens in the movies. I burn all that frustration out right then and there before bed, so it’s not unleashed on some poor sap just going about their day. ‘I’ve felt your itch and I’m not entitled OR a Karen.’ I can hear you whispering it in your mind as a very self-righteous defense. Everyone needs to be burned out now and again, which is why those of you who still disagree with me will once again be forced to accept the truth. Everyday issues get to you petty humans, and I cleanse you of that frustration rather than letting it boil to a steaming hiss for the next day.

This crucible of itchiness that is my essence. The glorious dilemma of scratching or ignoring the feeling. It fills me with such joy that I know I will never stop. And you should hope that I don’t! Going through something difficult makes you humans tougher. In the immortal words sung by the soprano wonder Kelly Clarkson: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. So true. Soooooo true. And with that, I have clearly and irrefutably proved my case. You may bow to me now, little humans. His Divine Itchiness isn’t going anywhere.