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Heartbreak Over Guilt

What if...

By Veronica PollardPublished 2 years ago 19 min read
2

It had been nine years and four months since I last laid eyes on the one true love of my life. Which was coincidentally the same day, I became what some might call a murderer and the same day I involuntarily relinquished my incubator capabilities.

Three years and eleven months since my mom had been killed in a traffic accident and three years, four months since my father died from a broken heart, also known as a heart attack. Leaving me, a millionaire orphan, flight attendant all alone in this godforsaken world.

Exhausted after a long flight on my feet, I was looking forward to a hot, relaxing bubble bath, something quick to eat and a comfy luxurious king-sized bed to toss and turn in all alone, as usual. A trip filled with days in the spa getting massages and facials and evenings laid out by the pool with my kindle. My idea of a perfect vacation was me alone with my thoughts and a steamy romance novel. I mean, who doesn’t want to be on a vacation with a significant other, but as per my usual, that just hadn’t been in the cards for me.

Since college, I’d always felt like nothing could ever amount to the love West and I had shared. We were just teenagers, but we really had something special. The guilt of ruining that had tormented me to this day. It seemed impossible to duplicate a love like that, so I chose not to attempt.

I’d landed in Orlando and finally arrived at Utopia Grand Resort and Spa by West a little before sunset. It was a newly opened five-star resort in the heart of Orlando, that passengers had been raving about for months. So, with weeks of vacation time saved up, I decided to take a weekend to relax and unwind. Hopefully by the end of it, I’d have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

It was almost eight o’clock, when I stopped by the lobby to have an extra blanket and towels sent up to my suite. Following a pleasant experience with the concierge, I turned and headed towards the door in search of a quick bite to eat. It was like a dream come true, or a nightmare turned reality, depending on how you looked at it. But as I turned around, I saw a tall, young, impeccably dressed young man, that struck a strong resemblance to my high school boyfriend and love of my life, James West.

When our eyes met, he smiled, with that same alluring smile I remembered so vividly, that smile I’d dreamt about so many nights. I didn’t realize it at the moment, but as he approached me, I froze, not only unable to move, but no longer breathing.

“Larissa!” he spoke softly with that deep seductive voice

Searching me with his eyes, he asked

“Are you ok?”

When he asked that, I went from stunned to crimson

Embarrassed couldn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling. I was mortified.

My embarrassment, just further encouraged him and he laughed then asked

“Are you checking in?”

Blinking then searching his face, I shook my head no. Finally able to speak again, I told him that I’d checked in a while ago and was there for the weekend. After a little small talk, he insisted we grab dinner so we could catch up, his treat.

I was surprised when he climbed into the electric cart out front, I thought he was stealing it to impress me, come to find out, he owned the resort and was headed to his office when we met in the lobby. I told him I’d had a long day and wasn’t up for anything fancy, so we went to a quaint bar and grill there at the resort. The hostess seemed rather familiar with him and sat us in a quiet, secluded corner booth.

West had always been a dreamer, back in high school, we used to always say we’d grow up and own a bunch of businesses and run them together. But our power couple dreams were short lived once we graduated high school.

I’d flown to Ohio, with my dad, to tour his alma mater and I got a positive pregnancy test. I was horrified, I was eighteen and about to start college. West and I had real plans for our lives.

Our parents had raised us to be goal oriented. And as an only child, I knew my parents would have been furious. My mom was a psychiatrist who spent her days trying to fix people and my dad was a fourth-generation real estate mogul. Since I’d turned eighteen a few months before graduation, I convinced my dad to fly back home without me.

A few days later, I made it back home and was no longer pregnant. I was crushed when I found out that West had flown to Duke that same morning, so I just figured what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

In a panic, I’d made the decision for the both of us, and it plagued me and made it harder and harder for me to talk to him, let alone face him, not knowing what his response would be. So, I moved to Ohio and never looked back.

The thought of reaching out to him had crossed my mind back when my mom died, then again when my dad died. But even after I moved back to Florida, not being able to explain what happened back then, without telling him about the baby seemed impossible and cruel. When I’d made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, I didn’t stop to consider how it would affect our relationship. Yeah, he was unaware, but the guilt that had taken residence in my soul, tore us apart.

Yet here I sat face to face with the love of my life, ready to rekindle the love we’d been forced to extinguish almost ten years ago. The only thing holding me back was the looming, guilt of a secretly terminated pregnancy, almost a decade ago.

So much time had passed, that you’d think it’d be easy to let go and move past it. But the guilt of never telling him, of not giving him the opportunity to weigh in on the fate of our son or daughter. That guilt is suffocating, it keeps me up most nights and it’s that guilt that causes me to feel undeserving of anyone else’s love.

The server comes over to take our drink order, and we settle into the booth.

“I can’t believe it’s been almost ten years!” West states

“Yeah, I know.” I replied softly

“So, what have you been up to all this time?” he asks

“Well, I finished school, but instead of going into business I decided to become a flight attendant. That's what I’ve been doing for the last four years.”

"So, you spent all that time in school to get a degree in business just to be a flight attendant!" he replies

"I guess that about sums it up!" I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea myself

"What about you? You went to Duke, right?” I asked, not wanting to delve into my disaster of a life

“Yes, I did. When I finished school, I took an internship at an investment firm to make some contacts. Thanks to my dad I had a lot of help building the resources to buy and renovate this resort.” he stated as the server walked up to take our order

He tells the server to give him, his usual, so with a raised eyebrow I ask

"What do you suggest, since you’re a regular?”

West chuckles and says

"I always get the sampler. It comes with wings, potato skins and mozzarella sticks!"

"That sounds good, make it two!" I tell her

"What flavor wings would you like ma'am?" the server asks

"Spicy barbecue" I responded, and the server smiles then glances at West

Once she leaves, I ask

"So, you own this resort?"

"Yes." he replies modestly

"That's incredible West, Congratulations!"

"Thank you" he replies softly

We sit catching up a little while until our food arrives.

"What flavor wings did you get?" I ask

With a slight smirk he replies

"Same as you!"

I smile and as we dig in West asks

“You live here in Orlando?”

“No, I live in Jacksonville.” I reply

"So, what brought you to town?" he asks

“I’ve been working non-stop for the last two months and decided to take a weekend to get away. A few of my coworkers told me about this new resort that passengers have been raving about. So, I figured I'd check it out.”

"Well, I hope you're enjoying your stay!” he laughs

"I’ve only been here a few hours but, it’s been better than I could've imagined!" I respond as a flutter fills the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t believe, I was actually sitting across from the now brilliantly successful and incredibly attractive James West.

"If you’re up for it, I'd love to take you on a tour." West smiles

"So, you want to be my personal tour guide!" I smirk, my eyes now filled with seduction, causing him to dip his wing into his sour cream instead of his ranch.

Watching as he does, I laugh then whisper

"Oops!"

"How are your parents? I haven’t seen them in forever.” I ask intentionally changing the subject

“They are well!” he replies

Then pausing he adds

“You haven’t seen me in forever either!”

Unprepared, for his response, all I can do is sit there, staring at him. Is he really wanting to go down this road, because I have years of repressed sexual desires, just waiting to be unleashed, if I could just manage to get past this nagging feeling of guilt?

“And I'm guessing your insinuating that’s my fault?” I asked, struggling to control my breathing as the temperature at the table elevates

“Are you saying it's mine?” he replies

“You started planning for college, once you got accepted into Duke, that’s where your mind was!” I whispered in a small voice, realizing this is exactly the conversation I wanted so desperately to avoid

“Seems we remember similar stories, but you left for Ohio and forgot about me.” he replies

I just smirk, not wanting to ruin the evening with my confession, so he continued.

“Well, let me be the first to apologize” he pauses then reaching for my hand he continues.

“I’m really sorry. I know we were young but high school was literally the best four years of my life! After graduation, it just seemed easier not to say goodbye.”

My face softens involuntarily as I sit listening to his heartfelt confession, guilt now actively eating away at me. How could I just sit here, letting him apologize like he’d done something wrong. As tears prick my eyes, I sit unable to speak and he says

“We’d made all these plans, but everyone kept saying we were just kids.” his voice now almost a whisper

“We had a plan, but reality took us in two different directions.” he adds

"You got accepted to Duke, so I finally agreed to go to Ohio. We went up to visit the campus, I couldn't have been gone longer than a week. When I got back, I wanted to talk to you, but you were gone to North Carolina." I whispered, leaving out the part about the baby, watching as he looked down at the table

"After that I just wasn't sure what to say. It felt like we were over" I muttered softly almost in tears knowing full well, that’s not all of the story.

"I didn't want us to get so wrapped up in being together that we missed out on the chance to chase our dreams. I didn't want to hold you back! I'm sorry and I've always regretted just leaving without us talking! We both just assumed we knew what the other wanted." West states

Knowing that he was right and that I’d most certainly assumed I knew what he wanted, I just sat watching as the server came over to refill our drinks, thankful for the distraction

“So, that being said, are you seeing anyone?" he asked attempting to lighten the mood again

“Straight to the point ha?” I smirked

“That’s not an answer Miss Mathews!” he replied, his eyes filled with curiosity

“No, I’m not seeing anyone. Is there a lucky lady in your life?” I asked sweetly

“Gorgeous, intelligent and single! Now that's hard to believe” West states slightly amused

I just sit looking at him with a raised eyebrow, since he’d completely ignored my question lost in his own thoughts

“No, not yet! Well, just the resort!” he answers after a beat

"Not yet?" I replied vaguely confused

"I just recently became very interested in someone!" he smirked

"Oh, did you?" I laughed realizing what he was suggesting.

If he only knew the level of restraint, I was exhibiting right now, by not dragging him back to my suite, he wouldn’t be tempting me so.

“How is Brian?” I asked once again attempting to change the subject warring within myself

“He is in Detroit playing football, living his dream. As far as I can tell, he's doing well.”

“Really, that’s great! He always did love playing football, just about as much as he loved getting on your nerves.” I giggled remembering all the millions of times he’d played silly pranks on us to get our attention.

“He still loves getting on my nerves!”

“Would you like dessert?” he asked

“No thanks, I’m stuffed. I need to walk this off.” I replied thinking of a few other ways I’d love to burn these calories

“I did offer to take you on a tour of the grounds.” he smirks

"Not that much walking!" I replied

"It's a pretty big resort, we don't have to walk all of it. I do have a cart." he responded

“A one-on-one tour with Mr. CEO. How could I say no to that!” I replied as we stood up from the booth

"You can't!" he smiled

“They never brought the check!” I acknowledged

“They’ll put it on my tab. You ready?” he asks holding out his arm

Taking it, we headed out to tour Utopia Grand.

After the tour, we stood out on the bridge looking out over the lake, enjoying the cool breeze. West took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders

"Thank you!" I replied softly turning to face him

"So, that’s Utopia Grand Resort and Spa by West!"

"That’s it! So, what do you think?" he asked

"I think this is incredible, West. This is amazing and I'm so proud of you!"

West parks the cart back at the front entrance and returned the keys to the front desk.

"How are your parents?" he asked walking back over to me, near the same spot we’d reconnected in a few hours prior.

"My parents passed a few years ago" I replied not wanting to relive that and wreck our seemingly perfect evening

Reaching for my hand he searched my eyes then said

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

As I looked out into the distance, he embraced me then gently pressed his lips to my forehead. We stood that way for a moment until he asked

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No" I whispered softly

"If you ever want to, I'm here."

"Thanks!" I responded, always knowing, he would’ve been if he’d only known

“Let me walk you to your room. I just need to run up to my office for a minute, do you mind?”

“No, not at all. I would love to see your office!” I added secretly aroused by the thought of us alone behind closed doors

"Ok then, right this way." he replied

I stood looking around his office, at all the photos, plaques, and degrees all with ‘James West’ on them. Then, looking at the picture of the ribbon cutting ceremony I stood amazed to see all he'd accomplished in such a short time.

“Your parents must be so proud of you!” I whispered walking up behind him

“I guess you could say that!” he stated standing up from the desk

Reaching for me, he wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me to him and the temperature in the office instantly elevated, then leaning down he gently kissed me. Our lips locked and for a moment we were both lost in the moment, exactly where I’d longed for us to be for years.

Sparks flew and the bond we'd spent five years cultivating ignited instantly, consuming us both. I wrapped my arms around his neck then, realizing we’d awoken all of our desires West finally pulled away breathless. But before he could say anything, I opened my eyes then once again closing the gap between us, I pulled him back into a long more passionate kiss. After a minute he pulled away again then acknowledged

“Not in here!”

Taking my hand, he lead me out of the office and onto an elevator I hadn’t seen.

On the elevator, I whispered

“Where are we going?” before he could respond the doors opened and we walked down a short hall then taking out his key he opened a door.

When we walked in West said

“This is my room. Please make yourself at home.”

Astonished by how gorgeous the 'room' was, I stood looking at a large living area, dining room and a gourmet kitchen all with a large glass wall leading to a balcony that overlooked what seemed to be the entire resort. And that's only what I could see from the entrance.

“This is really nice West, and it most certainly isn’t a room, it's a penthouse!” I expressed

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked ignoring my comments about the room

“Sure any….” I began

“Anything but diet” West smiles, finishing my sentence.

Quickly glancing up at him we both laughed.

“Glad to see not much has changed” he states reaching me a glass of wine.

When he walked around to join me on the couch, I asked

“Is this where you live?

“Yes ma’am”

“I sold my condo a year and a half ago. I was never there, so I just converted this space.”

My phone buzzed with an alert, just as West’s phone rang. Glancing at his phone, he said

“I’m sorry excuse me just a second”

Once, he walked behind the couch, I sat listening to his one-sided conversation for a second then stood up and started towards the door.

“This is West!” he answered

“Brian, what’s up?” he stated walking back over to me

“Ok, I'll look at it. I gotta go, I’ll call you tomorrow!”

After hanging up the phone he asked

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s late, so I’m gonna go.”

“Why, that was just Brian. He didn’t want anything, but I knew he’d keep calling until I answered. I’m sorry."

Then taking my hand he pulled me into his arms and continued

“Please don’t go!”

Knowing that deep down, I never intended to leave, we both just stood there searching each other’s eyes, until finally he kissed me, once again igniting the fire within me just like he’d done in his office. Only this time, he slowly leads the way to his bedroom and like magnets our lips never break contact, flames of passion were unleashed, engulfing us both and we were all too eager to oblige.

Laying down beside me, West rolled over to face me then said

“It's late, you could just stay here, with me!”

"Shower with me?” I asked softly kissing his cheek

"Sure!" he replied turning onto his stomach watching as I stood up and headed into the bathroom. Looking back, I smiled then said

“I take it your enjoying the view!”

“I am!” he replied with a silly grin

“Are you going to just lay there or are you coming to join me?"

“I’ll be right in” he smiled rolling over to check his phone

As I stood in the shower, I started replaying the evening over in my head, every intimate detail. All of the emotions from the overwhelming guilt, pain, and regret that I'd forced to lie dormant for so many years came rushing back and before I realized it, I began to cry. Hearing West climbing into the shower behind me, I attempt to gather myself. But before I can, he peeps his head around my shoulder, then turns me to face him. Out of nowhere my tears turn into a full-on meltdown and my guilt ridden past completely consumes me.

With water cascading down around us, I finally manage to gather myself enough to look up into his eyes and whisper

“I need to tell you something!”

Suddenly, the exam room door swings open, drawing me out of my fantasy. An older woman with salt and pepper hair dressed in a white coat walks in with a nurse dressed in canary yellow scrubs.

With tears in my eyes, I look up at them and say

“I’m so sorry, I can’t do this.”

Hopping down from the exam table, I gather my bag and continue

“I’d rather live through a broken heart than be consumed by a lifetime of guilt.”

As I stand outside the clinic, waiting for the car I ordered to pull up, I take out my phone to call West. He answers on the second ring.

“Hey Riss, I was just thinking about you”

“Hey, I know you’re flying out tomorrow, but I really need to talk to you before you go.” I state before he can continue

“My dad literally just told me that we’re leaving. How did you know?” He asked

“Lucky guess” I replied

“I’m flying back on the next flight. I really need to see you before you leave”

“Ok, is everything ok?” he asked now concerned

“Everything is fine. Just promise me, you won’t leave until we talk” I plead now able to grasp the fact that no matter what happened between us, anything that kept me from those feelings of guilt and regret, would be totally worth it.

“I promise! I’ll see you in the morning” he replies

“I’ll see you in the morning”

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

Short Story
2

About the Creator

Veronica Pollard

Loving house wife and mother with a passion for writing. With hopes of one day becoming a published author and script writer. This is the place to find a drama filled love story you'll love! Enjoy!

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