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Hardly A Diamond Member Experience...

An Overdue Review Of The Titanic

By Bonnie Joy SludikoffPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
1
Hardly A Diamond Member Experience...
Photo by Mimipic Photography on Unsplash

Titanic Review by: Karen D. Krasinski

Rating: 1.5 Stars

Comments: First of all, the ill-fated voyage was nothing like people say. Sure, the ship was beautiful, but she also had tons of problems. People complain about the main issue being a less-than-appropriate amount of life-boats, but I beg to differ.

Had my life not been cut short by negligence and a failure to deliver on basic upper-class expectations, I would have sued the hell out of whoever owned this ship.

Sure, all of the deaths were terrible --blah blah blah -- but the death of class was just purely unnecessary.

Don't get me wrong: I believe everyone deserves the right to travel. There are beautiful things in the world and everyone should get to experience them! But obviously, not from the same vantage point as those who can afford the best things in life.

After all, how can we really enjoy and treasure luxurious experiences if we don't get to take comfort in the fact that we're having a better time than everyone else?

And that was the subject of my first complaint to the manager of the Diamond Customer Experience on the Titanic. My sister Agatha was busy with her three young children, and my brother Leopold was concerning himself with some boring male concerns, but it was I who was addressing real issues from day one of our voyage.

That is: Why were there so many goddamn commoners on our deck?

We were told that as the top 1% of the ship's esteemed guests, we would have a special experience, and yet, there we were, sharing air with unshaven men and little girls wearing handmade clothes.

It was all quite disappointing! And of course, this one was only a small argument. Truly-- I barely smacked that maid who came by with the pitcher of lemonade. Besides, I was quickly distracted by the invitation to see my stateroom.

It was quite small.

"Well, Karen," they told me, "that's how things are on a ship."

They assured me though it was (in their words) "cozy", it was still much bigger than everyone elses! I told them that was not good enough. And yet, they still refused to relocate my neighbor to allow me to properly store my belongings. And for that reason, I was unable to unpack my 5th and 6th suitcases. My poor silk handkerchiefs and casual shoes were unable to breathe, as was I.

Because in case you've forgotten from a moment ago--how could a woman of breeding breathe properly on that dastardly commoner deck?! I mean, I'm sorry-- did I accidentally step on a train?

On our private tour, our guide shared that they expected cruising to become a luxurious way of travel and I am shocked to report that came true.

I have to say though, I do enjoy some of the modern ocean liners.

The Disney Cruise Lines are a bit strange, but the Virgin Voyages are nice for when you're looking for something a little wilder. I know, I know... Not as luxurious, but see, I'm really not the snobbish wench you've obviously made me out to be! I can be agreeable in "modest" conditions as long as there's some incentive to behave.

And I do not mean tea time with my wet-blanket of an aunt. Clorelda is an embarrassment for one-- the way she holds her finger sandwiches is disgusting, and besides, it's not as if she needs the carbohydrates. But I had to spend some time with her-- my brother insisted she'd be dead soon and it just wouldn't have looked proper to ignore her as we normally did.

And I suppose he was right. Clorelda died in the Titanic iceberg "incident" as did most of the family, except my third favorite handmaid, and AHEM...apparently some of my silk handkerchiefs she stole from the luggage we placed in her peasant accommodations.

I mean, I suppose I didn't need my earthly belongings, but it's still a bit rude, don't you think?

Of course, the night of the "incident" was my last time on Earth as well. The frigid water was not refreshing as the drunk Irishman joked as he dived in, still holding a stein of beer.

I had fashioned a little raft out of a bar table, and with my winter coat, my sister's wintercoat, and three layers of thermal undergarments, I was actually ready for a night on the cold wavy seas.

After all, my schoolmate Rose apparently survived on a door.

At any rate, I was ready to go as the final pieces of the boat were smacking down on the water and then... SNAP! My left heel just popped right off. I swear if I wasn't dead I would have shut that independent shoemaker down.

I mean, "built to last" my ass! Anyways, that broken heel sent me tumbling down into the water where I hit my head. I don't remember anything else-- Just the feeling of no longer feeling bound to my beautiful, corsetted body.

What a ripoff. I worked hard for that flawless physique.

They say "you can't take it with you" but I can happily report that I know exactly where my suitcases sunk to and I have returned regularly to make sure they're still accounted for.

It's not the life I imagined for myself, but I've seen people with worst afterlives. So these days, if I'm not at the bottom of the ocean lurking near the first-class suitcases, I'm messing with patrons on Virgin Cruise lines.

Oh, just last week I tripped a guy who showed up to the late seating on formal night wearing a jersey. And...you're welcome.

Imagine showing that lack of respect at the Captain's Cocktail party!

I do enjoy the Captain's Cocktail Party, though. Quote honestly, if the captain of the Titanic had a Captain's Cocktail Party, I'm sure someone from my family would have pointed out any dangers that might have popped up.

Could have saved thousands of lives!

But as far as the problems with the Titanic, that's just the tip of the iceberg! Pun intended! See, my private tutor was wrong, I can be funny.

Percival Manworthy. Oh... He got away in a lifeboat as well, which is a miracle as he was so immersed in his studies, I would have expected him to go down with the ship. But he was an alright fellow with a mesmerizing neckline.

Once we knew I wasn't pregnant, it was a relief. Aunt Clorelda was concerned that I was just nearing sixteen, but I was quite worried about the fate of any baby I might have with Professor Manworthy. Sure, he would have our family money, but two of his grandparents would be of very common lineage. What a waste of the Krasinski genes and so many years of good breeding.

Once you work so hard for the things you have, it's a shame to just throw them all away. Funny enough, that's what Percival used to tell me when I was slacking off in our lessons. It was also the final lesson from Mama, who died in another ship voyage-- and also from an Iceberg, if you can believe it.

Well, not from hitting an iceberg, but from the Iceberg wedge salad with Blue Cheese. I wonder if that's why restaurants seem to serve it with Ranch these days. While some enjoy the pungent taste, Blue Cheese dressing on a salad was quite a risk. See, back in the early 1900s, mold detox wasn't really something you could do casually do with a naturopath! And for my parents, it looked more like three days of violent vomiting followed by a slow painful death.

And that's how we ended up with Clorelda as our legal guardian. Me, my brother Leopold, and my slutty sister Agatha and her three small bastard children.

It was Clorelda who'd said it would be best to leave our castle for a little "break" and board the Titanic-- she said we would be sailing toward luxury. What none of us knew was that she'd gotten a great deal of our trust funds wrapped up in some less-than-savory deals and we were about to lose everything.

Hearing where my finances would have gone in the event of my survival, I started to feel a little bit less bad about my broken heel. Of course I still blame that shoemaker, but the idea that we would have had to leave the Titanic voyage and do something unsavory like... get a job? ... I'll take my life at the bottom of the ocean any day.

Plenty of space. Beautiful jewel toned fish friends, and the ability to spend 2-3 days a week exploring ghost life. It could be worse- I could be a commoner.

But all of that is not to say that I appreciate this experience. Again, I implore you not to applaud The Titanic and if there were any way to claim damages in the afterlife, believe me I would have explored this to the fullest extent of the law.

-Karen

Fan Fiction
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About the Creator

Bonnie Joy Sludikoff

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