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Handsome White Guy

by Frank Macaluso 8 months ago in Script
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A ten-person parody sketch.

Handsome White Guy
Photo by Amy Humphries on Unsplash

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a radio program I created and produced in my college years. It is an attempt at writing a parody of the TV series The Bachelor in a style utilized by Saturday Night Live from it's 40th through 45th seasons, I ultimately did not end up using it for my radio show. Later on, I submitted it as a potential sketch to use for a sketch comedy program I produced via Zoom during the early months of the 2020-2021 COVID-19 pandemic. It was not selected.

I am posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

James: 27; the bachelor

Moira: 26; model

Yessenia: 25; author

Gina: 31; psychiatrist

Hannah: 24; flight attendant

Kailani: 25; medical radiographer

Victoria: 27; medical sales rep

Angela: 23; nursing student

Sarah: 27; stand-up comedian

Announcer

SCENE

The “Handsome White Guy” Mansion

Los Angeles, CA

TIME

Present day

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SETTING: A well-kept garden outside a large mansion. A bench sits center stage.

AT RISE: JAMES and MOIRA are sitting on the bench. An ANNOUNCER stands downstage in front of them.

ANNOUNCER : Did you miss this past season of “The Bachelor”? Good! Please enjoy our version!

(The ANNOUNCER walks off. Some romantic, guitar-driven music begins playing in the background. JAMES gets up and walks up to the spot where the ANNOUNCER once stood.)

JAMES : Hi. I’m a generic straight, cisgender, conventionally-attractive white man. My job is impressive but my penis isn’t. But that’s okay! I can’t wait to make out with a lot of hot women!

(JAMES walks back to the bench and sits back down. The music fades out.)

MOIRA : I’m so glad to finally be alone with you, James.

JAMES : Me, too. So, tell me a little more about yourself.

MOIRA : Well, I’m a former Miss Teen USA, and now I’m on this show. So, yeah, my career’s goin’ down the toilet.

(YESSENIA enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps MOIRA’s shoulder.)

YESSENIA : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

MOIRA : Yeah.

YESSENIA : Thanks!

(MOIRA gets up and exits. YESSENIA sits down in her place.)

YESSENIA : I’m so glad we’ve finally got some alone time.

JAMES : Yeah, me too. So, tell me a little more about yourself.

YESSENIA : Well, I write children’s books for a living. When I was five, my father and I moved to Chicago; he was trying to hunt down notorious crime boss Jimmy “Two Sheds” DeLuca. His younger brother was run over by one of DeLuca’s men while they were driving away from a bank robbery. Last year, he was blown up in his car, and now I’m continuing his quest for revenge.

JAMES : Wow. That’s hot.

(GINA enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps YESSENIA’s shoulder.)

GINA : (thick Brooklyn accent) Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

YESSENIA : Yeah, sure.

GINA : Thanks!

(YESSENIA gets up and exits. GINA sits down in her place.)

GINA : I’m so glad we’ve finally got some alone time.

JAMES : Yeah. So, tell me a little more about yourself.

GINA : Well, I’m from New York, which you can tell ‘cause of my accent, heh-heh! (dropping accent) Unless you don’t like it; I can get rid of it—

JAMES : No, no. I like it, I like it.

GINA : (back to Brooklyn accent) Yay! So, anyway, I’m a psychiatrist...

(HANNAH enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps GINA’s shoulder.)

HANNAH : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

GINA : Yeah, sure.

HANNAH : Thanks!

(GINA gets up and exits. HANNAH sits down in her place.)

HANNAH : I’m glad to finally get some alone time with you.

JAMES : Me, too. So, tell me a little more about yourself.

HANNAH : Well, this is kinda weird for me. You’re kinda the first guy I’ve ever dated.

JAMES : Oh...really?

HANNAH : Yeah...I’ve only ever dated girls.

JAMES : Ooh, hello! Well, uh, thanks for being vulnerable and sharing that.

HANNAH : So...do we, like, move in together now, or...?

(KAILANI enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps HANNAH’s shoulder.)

KAILANI : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

HANNAH : Yeah, sure.

KAILANI: Thanks!

(HANNAH gets up and exits. KAILANI sits down in her place.)

KAILANI : I’m really glad to finally get some time alone with you.

JAMES : Me, too. So, tell me a little more about yourself.

KAILANI : Well, I’m the Asian one...

JAMES : I’ll walk you out.

(JAMES takes her hand and starts to stand up and lead KAILANI toward the gate, offstage right.)

KAILANI : Wait! I have a sad story! When I was little, I slipped and hit my head really hard on the bathroom sink and now I can’t feel feelings anymore.

JAMES : Oh. (beat; sits back down) That’s hot.

(VICTORIA enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps KAILANI’s shoulder.)

VICTORIA : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

KAILANI : Yeah, sure.

(KAILANI gets up and exits. VICTORIA sits down in her place.)

VICTORIA : James, I need to get something off my chest.

JAMES : What is it, Victoria?

VICTORIA : Well...I’ve said, like, a lot of racist things on Twitter in the past and it’s probably gonna come up pretty soon.

JAMES : Oh. (beat) Well, it was in the past—

VICTORIA : And I’ve been saying a lot of racist things in the house. Mostly to the Latina girls. And I will do it again.

JAMES : Oh...

VICTORIA : But I don’t have a gag reflex. At all. If you know what I mean.

JAMES : Oh, okay!

(ANGELA enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps VICTORIA’s shoulder.)

ANGELA : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

VICTORIA : Yeah, sure.

ANGELA : Thanks.

(VICTORIA gets up and exits. ANGELA sits down in her place.)

ANGELA : I’m glad to finally get some alone time with you.

JAMES : Me, too. You know, I gotta say, out of all the girls here, you are definitely the best kisser.

(Half a beat.)

ANGELA : That’s kind of inappropriate, but okay!

(KAILANI enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps ANGELA’s shoulder.)

KAILANI : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

ANGELA : Sure.

KAILANI : Thanks!

(ANGELA gets up and exits. KAILANI sits down in her place.)

KAILANI : Listen, I don’t like to talk crap about people, but Victoria just told me to “go back to Guadalajara”.

JAMES : Eugh. Yeah, I might have to send her home. I’ll do it after Costa Rica.

(SARAH enters quickly, walking toward the bench. She taps KAILANI’s shoulder.)

SARAH : Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

KAILANI : Yeah, sure.

SARAH : Thanks!

(KAILANI gets up and exits. SARAH sits down in her place.)

SARAH: Hey.

JAMES : Hi!

SARAH : Look, I’m gonna be honest here. I’m just here for the all-expense-paid vacations and the fancy food. I don’t really wanna get married.

JAMES : Wow. (beat) That’s hot. I like that you can be blunt with me.

SARAH : Speaking of blunts, I’ve got some in my room. You wanna get faded and watch “The Princess Bride”?

JAMES : Oh, my God, I love you. (calling out to the producers) Yeah, I’m gonna pick her!

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SKETCH)

Script

About the author

Frank Macaluso

A comedian. I may have made a huge mistake.

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