Glenn And The Magic Farm

Once upon a time, in a village just beyond downtown Cleveland, there lived a simple farmer named Glenn.

I apologize for the extremely overused set of prose that I just unloaded onto you. Glenn requires it whenever any of us put anything out into the press

Don’t get me wrong. Glenn is lovely. Any animal would be lucky to have him as a farmer. He wakes us up every morning with music and tends to us so carefully you would think we were all family. He would end every night walking around the farm and saying goodnight to all the animals who can say goodnight back, which includes me. Sometimes he would bring his son along. He was only there a week every month, but whenever he’s here, he runs around and plays with us for hours at a time. That kid sure is an adventurer. I constantly find him climbing to the top of the barn to look out at the majesty of his father's handiwork.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Humpowitz, better known (if known at all) as the hen who laid the world-famous Humpty Dumpty.

You see, my friends around the Fairy Tail Farm call me Humpty as a sort of playful dig at the name Humpowitz.

While I’m here, I might as well explain why we’re called the Fairy Tail Farm. Glenn was down on his luck a while back. He used to own a bustling farm full of crops and livestock. You know. Like your standard human farmer. But things changed quickly when a freak twister ravaged the farm beyond repair, taking everything while oddly enough leaving just an old hot air balloon.

Glenn’s wife decided it was too much as she took their son and returned to the city to try and make it by themselves. This tore Glenn apart, and desperate to find his new path, took off in that hot air balloon ready to change his life.

One day while Glenn was up in the air, surveying possible farm locations, he happened upon a flutter of fairies on their morning flight.

“Ahh, fairies,” he thought. “This is my chance.”

Glenn reached his arm out with all the dexterity he possessed, grabbed a fairy by the tail, and yanked. Naturally, the fairy did not appreciate the removal of her tail, but rules are rules. As far as fairy law is concerned, upon removal of the tail, the remover has the right to collect one wish from the fairy who hereafter shall remain tailless. The remover shall then be afforded any and all magic remaining inside the previously mentioned tail.

What was Glenn’s wish you might ask? Why it was for us of course. He birthed the most magical farm in the world right here on the outskirts of Cleveland.

We have cows walking briskly in the pastures, a young lady who is hopelessly obsessed with tending to her sheep, three dangerously corpulent goats, and up until about a week ago, a goose who laid golden eggs.

“Has he been talking about the goose at all today?” Asked Gruff; one of those fat goats I just mentioned.

“I’d have to wash my mouth out with soap if I repeated any of it.”

“That bad huh?”

“Well, how would you react if you used all your fairy tail magic on one thing and it was just taken from you?”

“Luckily for me, I’ve never been put in quite a spot, and I don’t see it happening any time soon.”

“Yeah, that’s a fair point.”

I remember the day that Goldy went missing like it was yesterday. That poor sheepherder somehow managed to lose her entire herd in about a second and a half. The fact that Glenn ever hired her in the first place is a mystery to me.

Glenn keeps a container of magic beans in a small cookie jar behind the sink in the kitchen. It is located just inside the pie cooling window where he was sure no one would be able to reach it. Obviously, that didn’t work out. One of these wild sheep managed to make its way all the way over to the window and knock the jar over, allowing some of the beans to fall to the ground.

Before the next morning, I hadn’t a clue what would happen if the magic beans were planted. Turns out they make a beanstalk that doesn’t stop growing until it hits something. What I was also unaware of at the time is that the Fairy Tail Farm was constructed directly beneath the home of a giant who apparently does not appreciate beanstalks penetrating his living room floor.

The giant slid down the beanstalk in an untethered rage, knocking every branch off on the way. The entire farm shook the moment he hit the ground. A few wooden planks popped off the barn. Our barn was constructed with magic, so dismantling it even a little bit should be just about impossible.

“Fee fi fo foom

Why’s there a plant

in my living room?”

This giant was only capable of speaking in rhymes beginning in fee fi fo. It is a rather inefficient means of communication if you ask me, but I would never say that to his face.

Glenn rushed out of his house like a bolt of lightning. He immediately noticed the beanstalk and instead of a look of awe, he seemed far more annoyed. It was as if this was an event that was predetermined to happen. I had a decent view of the altercation from inside the barn. He looked up to the giant's eyes with the same expression, and spoke what felt like a prepared speech.”

“Oh dear giant, I offer my sincerest apologies. A clumsy error sent this beanstalk your way. We will have it quickly removed and pay for whatever damages your lovely home has endured.”

“Fee fi fo fus

I warned you not

to mess with us

Fee fi fo fours

Now you lose

something of yours”

“Oh merciful giant,” he screamed to the sky in hopes the giant would hear. “A warning. Just a warning, please. We are in hard times as it is. I am sorry for our transgression. It won’t happen again.”

But it wasn’t enough. The giant honed in on the most magical thing on the whole farm; the goose that lays golden eggs.

Without Goldy around for the last few weeks, Glenn has not been himself. He was distraught over the giant’s thievery. He stopped playing music and singing in the morning, and I hadn’t gotten a goodnight from him ever since.

After maybe a month of this, we’d had enough. It was intervention time. Gruff, Bo Peep, Gruff, Gruff, and I decided to stage an intervention. Yes, all three of the goats are named Gruff and I know how confusing that is. I’m sorry. I can’t change their names.

The five of us waited for Glenn to enter the barn. When he did, Bo Peep took her stick thing that served basically no purpose based on how awful she was at herding sheep, and locked us in.

“Ugh, for the last time Bo, you’re supposed to use it to herd the sheep,” said Glenn.

“No Glenn,” said Gruff. “This is an intervention.”

“An intervention for what?”

“For the way you’ve been acting since Goldy was taken,” I said.

“Please Humpty. Don’t bring up Goldy.”

“He’s obviously all you’ve been thinking about since-“

“Because we’re gonna lose the farm,” Glenn exclaimed. “How do you think I’ve been paying for all this land? Do you think all this magic farmland so close to Cleveland is cheap? That goose plopped out enough gold a month to pay our mortgage and a bit of the debt we owe the king after that egg boy incident. Without her, we’re screwed.”

His tone gradually slid further into melancholy.

“And I was about to invite Kathy back to see for herself how well we’ve been doing. I had the house made up and everything just how she likes it.”

He wiped back the first and only tear I’d seen on his cheek.

“I’m sorry guys. I just don’t know what to do.”

I never really considered it before that moment. The farm goods that we sent out weren’t doing us any good. It was all that goose.

“I know what to do,” said Bo Peep.

“Not now Bo-

“No. This is a good plan,” she interrupted. “Let’s get the goose back.”

“Bo, even if I could get up that beanstalk, I can’t outrun or even outwit that giant.”

“Yes, but we all know someone who can.”

She looked all around the room as if to ask for approval from everyone else. As soon as it clicked who she was talking about, I could see it. I could see this plan working. The Gruff’s and I all made hopeful eye contact one after the other followed by a smile directed at Glenn.

“No.”

“Glenn,” I said. “You know he can do it.”

“And not only that, he’d love every second.”

“Bo-“

“Don’t Bo me. I’m sorry for what I did. I’ll admit I’ve been a lousy sheepherder, but this will work. I promise you he won’t get hurt. He’s our best chance to save the farm.”

Glenn looked around the room. Even the anti-social chickens in their coop were giving warming smiles to our leader in anticipation of his decision to save the farm.

“Humpty, what do you think? You’re probably his best friend around here.”

“No one on earth is better suited for the job.”

And I believed every word I said. The only thing that kid loves more than an adventure is getting into trouble, and this was gonna include a lot of both.

“Ugh, fine. If y’all are this confident he can do it. Bo, what’s your plan?”

Bo went on to describe her plan to save the farm. To make a long story short, it involves some more of those magic beans, a cow, and Glenn’s wildly adventurous and daring son; Jack.

To be continued…