Free Me, Please!

To the now-adult children who were read Kolobok in childhood:

Greetings from the Fox's underbelly. Literally. I've been ghosting here for as long as parents continue reading my story to their children. Quite frankly, I am fed up. Sorry for the pun but I want out. So hear me out.

You've been told that my fable's main message is, "Don't be too cocky and arrogant lest you be eaten by the Fox." Wrong. I was not being cocky or arrogant. I was rightfully proud of my achievements. Just put yourselves in my shoes, empathize: Wouldn't you be proud if you managed to outsmart the old hag that had made you and wanted to feed you to her good-for-nothing husband who couldn't even provide for her?

Or wouldn't you be proud that you ran away from a huge hungry bear, a bad gray wolf, and a long-legged hare? No two-legged animal like you, human, can outrun a four-legged beast like a bear or a wolf or a fast runner like a hare. And I have no legs! I just rolled! So imagine how fast I had to be, probably could beat any Olympic record in running! Or rolling. Wouldn't you be proud? I'm sure you would, especially when you can boast about it in a cute song you composed!

The second lesson you've been taught with this tale is, "Don't trust the cunning fox!" That one's correct, as I learned it a hard way. That b*tch was not even hungry when she tricked me! You know how I know? When I ended up in her belly, I was not alone there. She gobbled up a whole little rabbit just minutes before! A monstrous kid eater! But who would even investigate that, when you can talk about me, Kolobok, right?

Why is everyone reading this tale as if it's about me? My stupidity, my arrogance, and my inability to resist flattery? This is a pure case of victim shaming and blaming! Why is no one talking about the real perpetrator, the Fox? She was the one who tricked me for her one-second gratification! Was she ever punished for this? Of course not! Still runs around the forest, tricking others! And I am doomed inside her!

Yes, I am doomed to be in here until my tale is retold to clear my name. Once my story is corrected, I will be able to go to the Bun Heaven, to join gazillions of my crispy golden brethren you humans consumed throughout your history. I long for that so much!

So next time you read my story to your kids, make sure to explain to them who the real bad guy here is - the Fox! Free me!

Please?!?

P.S. Please NEVER read my wrong origin story to your kids again!

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466 words written for Rick Henry Christopher's unofficial Vocal challenge: