Fraul, 4

Word of the Ezuran companies’ arrival had been twisting in the air like leaves. Fraul heard it in whispers and it set his heart to beating–he wondered if the companies included his own.

The night before their arrival, he slept better than usual. He bid Sandrine good morning and wandered out the door with his cup of coffee, sword belted to his hip, a driftwood cane over his shoulder. He glanced at the colorful flags hanging from her windowsills, and then turned for camp.

When he reached the lines of tents, Raru saw him first. Fraul smiled widely for the first time in weeks. The younger man jogged to him, saluted, and hovered before him.

“Sir,” he said, falling into step beside Fraul.

“Lieutenant,” Fraul said warmly, teasing, wandering to the center of camp and looking it over. Raru met Fraul’s gaze and said, “I actually had a question for you. Something back in town.” He glanced over his shoulder toward camp, looking uncomfortable.

“Do you, now?” Fraul asked, smiling even as his heart fell. “Town is a long way from here.”

Raru turned to him, remembering, drawing a short breath of disappointment. “Would you be able to get there?” he asked. Fraul glanced longingly at the healing tent, frowned and nodded.

They turned together and Raru walked silently, hands in his pockets, head down. He didn’t want to be the first to speak, though he had missed Fraul dearly. Fraul had always started their conversations and Raru wasn’t sure how he did it.

Finally, Fraul cleared his throat and twirled the cane.

“So, era,” he said, “Doing all right?” he asked.

“Ashin calls me era, too,” said Raru, deflating with a great exhale. He looked over, wanting to reach out and tug on Fraul’s sleeve like a child. Fraul felt his gaze, met it, and couldn’t suppress his smile.

“Means brother,” he said. “You use it for someone you know…like you and Ashin know each other. Since you were twelve or so, yes?”

“Longer than you,” teased Raru, and Fraul spat.

“Well,” he said. “I suppose so.”

They made the rest of the walk in silence. Raru bumped up against him once or twice, on-purpose. Fraul caught Raru’s arm to keep his balance, smiling even though these exchanges sent a twang of discomfort through him.

They slowed before an abandoned house, one window shattered with a stone. Sunlight leaked into its front room, and Fraul pushed on the unlatched door and sidled inside.

Raru looked at him, confused. Fraul, eyebrows raised, watched his face and prodded gently, “Isn’t this what you wanted to ask me about?” Raru was silent for so long that Fraul’s brow creased.

The smile started quiet on Raru’s face. Fraul led the way inside and the younger man followed him.

“So,” he said when the door had shut behind them. “We can talk again.”

Fraul shrugged. He felt tense, and his eyes flicked continuously to the empty street outside. He leaned the cane against the wall and looked around, thumbs hooked in his belt.

“It’s not bad, is it?” he asked, voice echoing off the empty room. Raru wandered to stand beside him, looking in the direction he was looking.

“You found it?” he asked, and Fraul nodded. He had to sit down. He would pay for those six miles later; for now he eased against the wall and made to slide downwards to the floor. Once there, he probably wouldn’t get up. Raru sat down beside him with chin to his chest. Both adjusted their belts to be more comfortable.

“Can I lean on you?” Raru asked, and Fraul nodded with eyes creased. Raru tucked his head up in Fraul’s collarbone, breathing his smell, trying to be careful with his weight. The only sound was their breathing, and this for so long that the shadows changed.

“You shouldn’t have…” Raru muttered when Fraul shifted. “I should have paid more attention. That Oreian was dying. I could have avoided him. That’s when you surrendered, after I…”

“Oh, I didn’t do it for you,” Fraul said lightly, lying. “I just…I was afraid, when I saw…when you…” He tossed one hand vaguely into the air and sighed. His eyes searched Raru’s. “You were dying. I may not be Heath. But I felt it.”

“I don’t remember much. But it scared the shit out of me, the way Heath looked at me when he saw me. He kind of…shook his head.”

“I’ve seen that look,” murmured Fraul. Raru bumped a knuckle against his hand.

“You still have your rings,” he said. Fraul took his hand back abruptly, before he could stop himself.

“What,” Raru asked, “am I offending you?”

“I think Sandrine’s pregnant.”

“Oh, Lord,” the younger man said. He almost found the whole matter funny; Fraul seemed to find it deadly serious.

“Raru,” he said slowly, “What I mean is…”

“What?” Raru challenged him.

“I just…” Fraul sighed. He couldn’t raise his gaze to meet the blue eyes, could only look at the army gear and the boots and the sword. He rubbed his face and sighed.

“It wasn’t supposed to go this way,” he muttered. “I tried not to think about the army anymore. And now they’re here, and you’re here. Which I suppose I knew would happen. I just thought…”

“Like you said,” Raru said dully. “You’re married. And I’m glad for you. Really.”

Fraul glanced down at him. Raru frowned, catching his gaze, and lifted his head. Fraul shifted slowly on his haunches, hooking his elbows around half-drawn knees. He turned himself to face Raru and the younger man mirrored him, his sheath scraping against the floor.

“You know about the laws here?” Fraul asked, voice low, flicking his gaze to the open window.

“Laws in Ezure, too,” Raru muttered.

“But not real laws, no? You’ve never been caught.”

“Uriel has,” Raru said, looking away.

“And he’s still alive–wait, who’s Uriel?”

Raru waved his hand vaguely, gesturing at something in the distance. “Nobody,” he said. Fraul’s eyes were hard and suspicious, but he was smiling.

“I suppose,” he said, “I have no room to talk.”

“Yes, you’re married. What’d you go and do that for?”

“I married her a long time ago. Before…”

Raru waited, one eyebrow raised. Fraul huffed in frustration and leaned in, hand on Raru’s shoulder. The usual jolt passed between them. Raru was almost too distracted by it to listen, but Fraul’s eyes were dark and serious and snagged his gaze.

“Look, era,” he said. “This is dangerous. I mean–I am half-dead already, but you, you are not–shh, don’t interrupt me. You have a future. You’re–what, seven years younger than me?”

Raru frowned. He didn’t like this topic. He stayed silent. Fraul’s eyes pinned him in place.

“And I don’t want you to get caught. For anything. You hear me? Be careful. For god’s sake.”

“So, what, I can’t come visit you?” Raru asked. Fraul wilted.

“No,” he said weakly. “Not the way you look at me. Don’t people talk, in camp?”

“Oh, Lord, no. You’re so funny, Fraul. You think we’re gonna be killed for looking at each other.”

“Well, we are! Here, I mean. Do I have to show you the graves?”

Raru rolled his eyes and flapped his hand. “Oh, sure, sure,” he said. He got out the flask and took a drink, and Fraul caught his hand.

“You don’t understand, Raru,” he said desperately. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“You know what I think?” Raru waved the flask at him, emboldened by it. “I think you’re afraid of yourself. I think you’re trying to protect you from me. And I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it anymore. And I’m not trying to bring it up, I promise. Just–listen. Please let me be with you. Let me be around you. I don’t even have to look at you. Just let me be there, while I’m at least in the same country as you. Then I’ll be gone. All right?”

Fraul had to look away. Raru had blue eyes that were always warm, and he had amber eyes that were always cold. But he couldn’t help himself and looked up at the blue eyes, and remembered almost dying.

“I don’t…” he said.

“Come on, Fraul. I’m about to get my feelings hurt. What’d you stake out this house for, anyway?”

He was right on a lot of counts. Fraul heaved a huge sigh and bundled up next to him, fighting himself, his back hurting. Raru, frowning, put an arm around his shoulders and listened for anyone approaching, any passersby who might have the impulse to peer in the cracked window. He was tense and he wished they were home.