Fixing Dad's Shed Roof

Simon,

Thank you for coming over. A few words to the wise from your mother (I shall keep it brief).

1. Your Dad has not slept since the roof blew off his shed. He may keep going for a lie down, but this is different to sleep. Do not poke the bear.

2. To you, I am sure this is a case of a bit of felt coming off a roof. This is not the case for your Dad. Please remember this.

3. He is grumpy, however, he does want to help. Please let him. He can check your measurements and whatnot. He is good at that. He enjoys doing that. If he has to re-measure two or three times to be sure of the accuracy, please don't let it get to you, Simon. Bite your tongue.

4. There's a pack of digestive biscuits in the cupboard under the kettle if you need to put something in your mouth to help keep it shut. Your Dad will not offer you a biscuit. He is not being rude, he is distracted.

5. I cannot stress this enough - he really does want to be helpful. Please include him. However you see fit. Let him hand you the nails and what-have-you. Trust your mother, he'll become agitated if you don't involve him. Even a gnarly old bear like your Dad likes to be included.

6. That said, remember this: Do not let him near a hammer. I will never forget that time he smashed his left hand trying to "help" your Grandad. I DO NOT have the time to take him to the hospital again, and I really do not think his nerves could handle another trip there either. We have both had enough of hospitals to last a lifetime.

7. You will not stop him from going up the ladder, Simon. He will have to look at the work that has been done. It is not personal, he does not doubt you, it is simply his way. Be prepared as he will shake like a leaf, but know that he will be okay. Shaking is his normal. Just hold the ladder steady for him while he is going up and down.

8. Expect questions. Lots of them. Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes. He has not changed, Simon. He will mither. Please, please remember that he is only worried about his roof, not about your work. He is trying to put what is happening in order and make sense out of it. That is all. We both know you are very capable.

9. Make peace from the outset that your Dad will want to test the roof before you leave. It is what he does, and you know this. Do not get upset when he gets the hosepipe out and saturates the roof for twenty minutes, maybe longer. He is not testing you, Simon. He is testing his roof. Please, please do not take any of this personally. The devil is always in the detail with your Dad. Remember: He does not line the plant pots up around the edge of the patio in volume order for fun. Go and stand in the middle of the patio and look at them if you need any reassurance that none of this is about you. Your Dad loves you, Simon. We both do.

10. I suggest making both of you a cup of tea while he does his testing. Try to get your Dad to have a biscuit at the same time. He will forget to eat and drink otherwise. You know how he forgets, Simon.

11. I have transferred some money to your sister for you because your Dad does not know that we are paying you. I know you need the money. Your Dad does not. Please do not mention it. You are here to help, and that is all your Dad needs to know. I don't want him worrying.

12. If you need anything, I am only next door at Eileen's. I thought it best to be out of the way when you arrived. I did not fancy being the whipping boy in the mix. Besides, what do I know about fixing a shed?

Thanks again for coming over, Simon.

Love, Mum. xx

PS: Remember to tidy everything away when you are done. I could really do with a peaceful night tonight. I do not want to have to spend it with your Dad complaining. Bridgerton is on later, and I would very much like to put my feet up and enjoy it.