Finding Home

“Papa.” Mary called into the classroom with a smile. Her father Jack was one of the premiere teacher in the regions, one of only three that had a permanent dedicated space in the Umiko dome. He had always told her that this had been a dream he had since he had been a child. Jack had met her mother, Janette, when he was doing his mandatory shifts on the Topside as part of the Pirate faction of the Buccaneers. Though the two had never felt the need to have a romantic relationship they had fun and were fond of each other.

When Jack had fallen in love with her dad, Jason, and they decided they wanted to have a child, Janette had offered to carry the child. Her Dad and Papa had married when she was 12.

She had taken after her mother and become a Captain of the Buccaneers, this time in the Trade Fleet. Janette had died just after her 20th birthday, her entire ship and crew had gone down in a freak storm. Specialized underwater ships had been dispatched to ensure that the bodies were all accounted for and they were buried along the seafloor properly. These ships had also scavenged everything they could from the wreck.

Mary herself, at 37, still had no interest in settling down. She had taken lovers aplenty, like her mother before her, but had never felt the deeper connection that her Papa and Dad had described. Her ship was her home, her crew was her family, and their family were hers as well. She was happy.

Her Dad was a designated Greeter and Foster. To the new ones, the ones abandoned twice for being attracted to more than one gender, he was the smiling face that soothed their nightmares. He cared for all the ones who felt wrong because of their upbringings. Made them laugh instead of cry. It was a prestigious position; one only a fraction could ever get to, even less could complete the training without a breakdown. It required patience, understanding and a strong will. The training lasted almost a decade and included going through the education of each of the islands; including the barbaric reeducation of Maljegaj, recreated by the few who endured it.

“Mary, I thought your rotation wasn’t up for another four moons.” Jack stopped his cleaning to come give her a hug.

“We got off early because Ken’s oldest is getting married next week. I thought I would surprise you and Dad.”

“It certainly was a fantastic surprise. Your Dad is most likely working late tonight, he has every night for the past week. One of the Newbies, you know.”

“Yeah everyone I ran into has been talking about this one but no one has said anything specific. Is it that bad?” She asked. Occasionally there were new ones who had been so badly treated or reacted so badly to the double abandonment that they were destructive towards themselves and others. Thankfully it was only very rarely that the Greeters couldn’t get through to them. For the few that were there was a special set of cells within the most secure areas of the Cordelia dome. Away from anything breakable or anything that could be used to hurt themselves or others these ones would live out their lives in solitude; it was rightfully used only as a last resort.

Mary’s Papa sighed, sounding sad and tired. “She’s already had to be sedated twice. Patty’s crew picked her up from Rezubian. She was inconsolable all the way to Perdita and reacted violently to the underwater elevator to the dome tunnels. Your dad thinks she might be severely claustrophobic, thankfully. He’s trying to convince the others to bring her up to Perdita long enough to talk to her and see what can be done.”

It was unfortunate that Perdita could not be an option for the young woman. The village had grown from the marooned handful that had been stuck after the explosion that had ruptured Palagelia and cut off contact from the other two underwater domes for ten long years, more than seventy years previous. Even with the patchwork expansion of the elevator’s platform and the huts that packed the shoreline that curved around their atoll, Perdita was always crowded. Too crowded to give the proper attention to a traumatized young woman. Too many ways that she could hurt herself.

Mary tilted her head to one side, thinking. Claustrophobia and hydrophobia, though difficult to deal with, is far easier to deal with than many of the issues that the Newbies had. “I have an open bunk on the Psyche, we can even have her sleep on deck if she can’t deal with sleeping below at first. Gary has decided he wants to start a family and he’s met the minimum.” This woman wouldn’t be the first she had taken on like this and likely wouldn’t be the last. “Oh, I just remembered. I met a Moran a few weeks ago.”

Jack tilted her head, curious and a little sad. “Oh, I didn’t think that there were any Moran’s left. Not since Dad died a few years ago.”

“Yeah, it was a sixteen-year-old girl we had to transport for the Shadow Group and their obnoxious male leader.”

“Hmm. I doubt there is any real relation. Dad kept the name Moran in honor of his husband, since we never found out if my father survived the Seperation or the war. Both of them were only children and so were all of my grandparents. Dad said they had talked about having another child but with everything going on just before the Separation they didn’t dare. As it was, your uncle was one of the last to be born using the Flying Cities method. Quite the controversy at the time. Of course it’s more normal now. I was one of the first after we got in contact with the Aces again.”

“Do you know what your father’s name was?” Mary asked, curious. She had known that her Papa and uncle had been test tube babies and that the technique was exclusive to the Flying Cities.

“Mitchell, I think. Mitchell Moran.”

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Reality returned in increments, sluggish and dizzying. The first thing to truly register was scent. Salt, the smell that had been in the background and unnoticeable all her life, burst through her nose. Somehow it was strong enough to block anything out. Then before she even opened her eyes, memories came rushing back. She had failed again. The monster’s that even the Unnaturals’ deplored had tested her and she had failed. But the world had closed in, pressing the air from the box that she and the others had been forced into. She had tried to stay quiet, tried to stay calm but it was impossible. Pressed close to the wall in the mass of bodies was the last thing she could remember. But she must have failed.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fluttering of the young woman’s eyes alerted the group that she was beginning to come around. They were a motley group with four of the city’s top greeters including her dad, Jason, a handful of doctors who were there to make sure the sedation wouldn’t have any side effects, two elected officials, and Mary herself. All gather around the young woman lying on the most comfortable cot they could muster up on short notice. It had taken trekking almost all the way through the thick brush to the outer edge of the atoll to find space for some privacy.

Mary knew her dad would have liked more time to get things together for the girl but it simply wasn’t safe to keep her sedated for any longer than absolutely necessary. Even the few in the special cells were only sedated for a few hours a week at most.

The girl sat up warily in scanning the crowd with wide, untrusting and fearful eyes. She flinched, just slightly, when one of the doctors moved closer to do an examination. Then she stiffened her spine and endured the exam silently. Mary was actually kind of impressed. Then she spoke.

“Please” she said breathlessly, clearly terrified and determined in equal measure. “Please let me try again, I won’t fail this time. I promise I will pass your test, just don’t…don’t throw me away. I’ll do anything, just let me try again.”

There was a ripple of horrified silence throughout the crowd. Though distantly Mary noticed neither her father or the other greeters were particularly surprised. While the silence dragged on Jason pushed through the ring of people surrounding the girl. “Mind letting the professionals through?” he asked wryly. He sat almost gingerly on the side of her cot, seemingly ignoring her flinch. “It will be alright, my dear.” He cooed comfortingly at her. “My name is Jason. What’s yours?”

“I’m Lucy.” She answered immediately, almost eagerly.

“That’s good Lucy” The tone was comforting, soothing. It seemed to help. “Now we need to ask you a few questions, alright? This is not a test. It’s just so we can help you as best as we can. Is that OK?”

Still clearly in shock she seemed to steel herself, “Does, does everyone have to be here?” she asked, her voice faint.

Her dad smiled, “Of course not.” He looked around at the gathered people, “You all are going to have to leave. Not you, Mary” he continued even though she didn’t move. “Better to have a woman present.” The crowd thinned until finally the only people with Lucy were Mary and her father were in ear shot. “Is that better?”

Lucy bit her lip and nodded furiously, though she did still look a bit uneasy. She didn’t say a word though, just waited for instructions. Mary ached for her. Most of them came to them like this, unsure and yet so sure at the same time. Unsure in themselves and their own worth, but so sure they need to be on guard and waiting for a test that would never come. Normally it would be at least six months of intensive therapy before anyone like Lucy would even go through the questions she would be going through now, let alone being sent out on one of the ships. With her reaction to even the elevator down to the domes though that was not an option.

“So we’re going to start ok?” He waited until she nodded before he continued. “Now what is your full name?”

“Lucy Genevieve Cartwright” the girl answered softly. Her posture shifted with the first question to something that was almost subservient.

“How old are you Lucy?”

“I will be 20 at the third day of the next moon.” Mary saw that her father had pulled out a small pad where he was recording the information of the Ace databases. The young captain knew that the small data device was connected directly to servers on the Flying Cities.

“What Island were you born on?”

“Maljegaj.” The answer was relieving because it meant that while Lucy would still have a great deal of baggage to go through she wouldn’t have to deal with the horror that was the Maljegaj’s island ‘reeducation’.

“Ok, you are doing great, Lucy. Now the next part is going to get a bit more personal alright? Let me know if you don’t want to answer anything.” He waited for her to nod. “When was your last physical?”

“The day I failed my test.” She answered, still soft. The one good thing about the Island’s regulation was that they kept to a strict schedule about these things.

“Do you remember if there were any concerns your doctor had?”

“She told me I was a little malnourished, that I should be eating better. Other than that I was healthy.”

That matched with what the doctors found when they were examining her. “That’s good, we will have some vitamins for you to take to get you completely ship shape. Did you have any family?” He asked delicately.

Lucy bit her lip, clearly trying not to cry, “Yes” she whispered miserably, “my parents, four siblings and dozens of cousins. They don’t know, do they? I just…just don’t exist for them anymore. What will happen to me? I’ve failed again.”

Mary shifted backwards as tears began to fall down Lucy’s face. She didn’t do well with crying. Jason though moved forward, carefully hugging the young woman. “It will be alright” he said in a voice that inspired belief. Mary marveled at how good her dad was at his job. “It may not seem like it but it will be alright.”

“How can it be alright?” Her voice was thin, at the edge of sobs. “I failed all over again.”

“You didn’t fail” Jason responded firmly while Lucy clung to him. “Because that was not a test. The elevator was just the way down to our home. Your home.”

“Then I can’t go home.” She stated with heartbreaking certainty, “If I cannot even get in the ‘elevator’ how can I find a home with you? How will this be alright?”

“You will find a home with us” Mary heard herself speak to her own surprise. “I have an open berth on my ship. You can come with us. I swear to you; you will find home.” Lucy calmed a bit and sat back, patiently waiting for the next question.

-Two weeks later-

Day 12, Moon 6

Dear Diary,

This will be my first entry. My ‘greeter’ Jason gave you to me to celebrate my assignment onto his daughter’s ship. I am expected to write as I need; likely this will be read by whoever Captain Mary assigns.

It is odd. You all are unusually kind for monsters. Maybe you are letting me get settled in, or perhaps because I am a monster too. I expected to be enslaved after my failure. How could I do anything but expect it? There are some things though that I will not fail at.

You may read this because I can’t stop you but I will not give you more than you already know. Nothing, I swear. I have failed my home, my family for the last time. Perhaps if I can prove not to be a monster like you they will let me come home…

Day 14, Moon 6

Dear Diary,

I have come aboard the ship called The Psyche. Captain Mary gave me her list of rules which I will write down at the end of this entry so I do not forget. I will have to ask what birth control is.

I can’t do much yet, I’ve never sailed before I became an abomination and then a monster. I can cook though so I spend a lot of my time in the Galley.

The monsters here are crazy. There were a few that talked about the Domes as if they still exist. As if that horrible box…an elevator Jason called it actually brings them there. Captain Mary was happy that I could work in the galley and sleep in my bunk. Apparently they were worried my claustrophobia would make everything harder. I don’t know why, it’s easy to move around here. Not like in that little metal box.

We already have an assignment but I don’t know what it is.

I’m afraid, whoever is reading this, I am not a monster. I don’t want to be one either. If I stay here though, what will I become?

Maybe I will escape at the next landfall. There must be a way to get home.

Captain Mary’s Rules

1. Consent is Key. I do not care who is screwing who. Have sex as groups, in couples, by oneself. But if anyone, and I mean anyone, has sex with someone who is not capable or does not give their explicit consent you will wish that I keelhauled you.

2. Show up for any and all assigned duty unless you are dying or injured. Swapping shifts are allowed provided you inform someone of higher rank.

3. If you are allowed off this ship at port, be polite no matter who is rude to you. We are a trading vessel and I will kick your ass if you jeopardize that. That means no plundering.

4. The good of the ship comes first. I will defend you all to the death but my ship comes first.

5. I don’t care how your relationship works out. Date or don’t, have a long term fling or a bunch of one night stands. I don’t give a shit. Let it affect the ship's business and I will kick your ass twice. Once for letting the stupid thing you did affect my ship. And once for making me sort out your relationships.

6. If you wake me up more than twice by having loud sex, you better expect me to join in.

7. For the love of the aces, use the provided birth control. It will be ten months before we touch back at the way station and I do not want pregnant crew members.

Day 20 Moon 6

Dear Diary,

I found that I quite like cooking even for the monsters. They are still being kind to me, likely on Captain Mary’s orders.

In other news my two bunkmates invited me to join them in what I later learned was some kind of sexual tryst. Sex with both a man and a woman. It’s almost like they don’t realize how unnatural their actions are.

I found out what birth control is. It’s so horrible that I can barely even write it. You read that, watcher. You and the other monsters are doing something so horrible I can barely even tell you about it.

Birth Control is, and I can’t believe they do this, a way to prevent pregnancy. There I said it. They are spitting in the face of the gift of life.

I dare not speak too much of this as Captain Mary endorses it.

Day 30 Moon 6

Life goes aboard the ship. I'm sorry if I seem distracted tonight but... We arrived at Rezubian today. Many of my shipmates approached me saying that I shouldn’t go into port. I wasn’t the only one. I almost heeded their advice. I should have heeded their advice.

I hadn’t been there long the last time. A few weeks, maybe. But they all had been so welcoming. Just like my new shipmates are now. When I failed everything happened so quickly. Two days of terror before I was shipped off. I thought surely some must have missed me. It wasn’t home by any stretch of the imagination but it was closer than this ship of monsters.

Then I got to the port. The island port is small; that’s what struck me the first time. It was so much smaller than I was used to. It’s manned by only the most trustworthy according to Captain Mary. But she sounds so sarcastic that I’m not sure what she really meant, or maybe I did.

I helped to load the ship and all the while I could feel the stares, the disgust. Not all but enough. From the corner of my eye a few of my crewmates flirted with the local women.

Then I saw her. I never got her name but she had been one of the girls who failed the first test at the same time I did. She had been shipped off with me to this island. I had helped clean her up after the guards got done with her.

She was staring at me with the utmost hatred. Her thin arms were wrapped protectively around her pregnant stomach. Suddenly everything was too much. Suddenly I knew down to the depth of my soul I would never get home again.

I can’t write anymore right now.

Day 3, Moon 7

The last few days have been the most tiring of my life. A squall flared on our way to our next port. Captain Mary called all hands on deck. We had to keep the ship upright. To fail meant death. We didn’t fail, but it seemed close sometimes.

At one point there was this huge wave that swept across the prow. It almost swept me out to sea. Captain Mary had insisted that everyone be tethered to the ship while working on deck during the storm. It was that tether that saved my life.

It was exhilarating.

Day 7, Moon 7

I was not allowed to disembark this time. We arrived at my home and I was not allowed to leave the ship. “Policy” my roommate murmured as she locked me in. “You’re not ready,” Captain Mary said when my screeching didn't die.

How dare they? These monster’s, how could they keep me from my home. Keep me prisoner on this ship. They are the reason. They must have done something to me, made me fail. I am onto you, all of you. I won’t be broken by monsters. I will get home.

Day 17, Moon 7

I was held captive for the hours that it took to unload supplies. I felt the ship pulling away even faster than it had at Rezubian. They, you, probably didn’t want to be caught with captives aboard, right? They would have made you let us go.

I know you're a monster. I know it.

So why don’t they keep acting like it?

Captain Mary came down to personally explain. She said…and she must be lying right…She said that she protects her people, including me, and that she won’t subject me to the treatment my home island would give me before I am ready. That she can tell I am not ready to face them. That they abandoned me…

It has to be a lie; she has to be lying. They didn’t throw me away. I can go home, I know what I wrote earlier, but surely they wouldn’t have thrown me away.

I don’t know what to do…

Day 21, Moon 7

I was working mid-ship when we arrived at port. It was abrupt, there was nothing there before we arrived. I’m sure of it.

Captain Mary, like the other ports, addresses the crew before anyone is allowed to disembark. We will be in port until the start of the next moon and everyone will be allowed to go into the port. She said there must always be 10 people aboard but that we will all get at least four days off in shifts.

Captain Mary called it Hesoid.

My roommate joked that I would be welcome in more bars than he was.

Maybe I will be…

Day 26, Moon 7

I was given the first four days off. It’s been a whirlwind. Marcus was right, I was welcome in more bars than he was. A few of the regulars would tell about every time he got himself thrown out of wherever we were drinking. There were a few places though where neither of my roommates would go. Where I had to go in with others who had been born on one of the Islands but ended up on Captain Mary’s crew. Jackie, an older woman who had been with the ship for almost two years, explained it.

Hesoid is a place that grew from rescued children. They were very wary of people who didn’t suffer like many of them had. The people who were born like Captain Mary or my roommates didn’t know rejection like they did. Like we did. So there were places that would only cater to people whom the residents of Hesoid trusted.

It’s weird.

Something amazing did happen while in the city. I met someone.

Tiki was Faer's name. Fae was the pronoun Tiki asked me to use. I never knew there was anything but Female and Male. Tiki though, Tiki is amazing. We spent two solid days together and Fae will be coming to see us off. We aren’t going to be anything serious but it will be good to have a new friend.

Day 2, Moon 8

We left Hesoid yesterday, and yes, Tiki did come down to see us off. We won’t be back for several months but hopefully then the two of us can meet up again.

I suppose I should explain a bit about The Psyche now.

As a trading vessel we mostly bring food from one island to another. There are three divisions of ships that deploy from the way point and its strange elevator. The first is Trading which the Psyche is part of. The second is Transport, these are the ships that bring people between islands. Finally, there is the Pirate division. These ships mostly pillage and smuggle.

There is some overlap. My roommate, Jill, told me about a teenager The Psyche smuggled from Gaja to Rezubian a few weeks before I arrived. Apparently because they had brought her there in the first place it was their duty to pick her up.

Day 5, Moon 8

The air is cleaner out here than I have ever encountered, even when we moved islands when I was a kid. I don’t know why it struck me today. I was keeping watch in the Crow’s Nest when I took a deep breath and just…realized.

It’s peaceful in the Crow’s Nest. A great place to think. My roommates invited me to join them again. It was harder to turn them down than before. I worry sometimes that I am becoming the monster I feared. Other times I don’t think about it at all.

Shift change will be soon. I’ll need to get down to the mess for dinner.

Day 10, Moon 8

I impressed Captain Mary today. Half the ship is down with some sort of flu. I should say half the shift including me. But I was one of five of the sick to stay upright for my entire shift. I kind of want to curl into a ball and die. But I got a smile from the Captain.

I’m gonna go lie down now

Day 16, Moon 8

I am going to die a monster. I will never go home again and my family will never know what happened to me.

My roommates offered again, it had been a long day and they were both so good to me. I took them up on it. That was yesterday. I enjoyed it, I used birth control. I can never go home again. I don’t know how to deal with this. Maybe ask one of the others…

Day 20, Moon 8

I have been aboard The Psyche for two moons now. I can cook in Galley or scale the Crow’s Nest as if I had been born to her. I talked to Jackie about what I’ve been feeling. I was so sure this time was going to be the test that I failed. Just as I was starting to feel at home.

Then she told me that it was natural. Normal for me to feel this way. That everyone did. That I wouldn’t be sent away.

Now Captain Mary has something she wants to talk to me about…

The book closed with a snap. From the bed there was a groan and the reader smirked. “Done napping, Mary?” Lucy asked teasingly.

“Not yet,” the lump of covers fell away as Lucy’s captain sat up. “You managed to wear me out, girl. Good grief, where are you getting that energy from.”

“Well, Captain, you are growing older now…” She dodged to the right, snickering as Mary found the energy to hurl a pillow at her. It hit the wall of the small room with a soft thud.

“I should bump you back down to Galley Wench for that.”

“and just after we celebrated my promotion to your second in command.” Her fingers began to absently trace the spine of a nearby book.

“If I demote you we’ll get to celebrate it again. Now what has you so intent over there?”

Lucy looked down at the leather bound book, “I was just looking at my early journal. It’s strange to see how I thought back then. Especially now…”

“It will be fine, you’ve been to all the other ports. You are ready for Maljegaj.” Suddenly she smirked, “But enough about work, what’s this I hear about you having a date next time we pass through the Flying Cities checkpoint. On Devarra, right?”

Lucy rolled her eyes, “Honestly I think this ship runs more on gossip than anything else. I don’t have a date with Callie. I go dancing with her because her husband doesn’t like to dance. It’s fun. I might have a date with Tiki and Imira next time I have leave in Hesoid.”

Lucy let herself be distracted into a discussion about her dates and hookups. Let the teasing push the discomfort from her mind. Tomorrow they would arrive at Maljegaj. She would enter the society of her birth for the first time since she had been shipped off just under two years before. But she was not the terrified young woman who called her shipmates monsters.

She was now Second in Command of the trade ship Psyche. She was growing into her own skin. And she no longer felt like she failed.

“So do you think you’ll see anyone on the docks?” Mary asked when it became clear that Lucy couldn’t be distracted any more.

Lucy pushed her tongue into her cheek in thought, “Possibly. I think my cousin Ariana worked at the docks for a while. She married a Lister before I was discovered so I haven’t heard from her in a while. Social rules, you know.”

Mary made a face at the term used to describe a family who had someone fail that ridiculous test.

“Well when in doubt just remember my rules alright?”

Lucy laughed, “I would never do anything to hurt the Psyche, you know that. It’s my home.”