Fake

Donnie exhaled roughly as he pulled his car into the church parking lot. He barely noted the church’s tremendous size before he grabbed the wedding invitation from the passenger seat and rushed out of his car.

He was going to be late!

As Donnie raced into the church, he risked wasting the time to look at his watch.

One minute to go...

He definitely should have left earlier! Why, oh why, couldn’t he have remembered that traffic was a thing!

Donnie looked away from his watch just in time to see that the chapel doors were right in front of him, with a big sign that was topped with the word ‘Celebrate’ in big letters.

Okay, one more push!

In a less dignified setting, Donnie might have dared to let out a wartime yell or something as he rushed right into the chapel. His heart leapt when he saw there was an empty spot in the pew closest to him. And it was right on the edge, too.

Donnie didn’t hesitate as he slipped into the empty spot right as the numbers on his watch changed from 3:59 to 4:00.

He sighed with relief as he pressed his hand to his rapidly beating heart. That was so close...never again. Never again would he take an afternoon nap on the day of a good friend’s wedding.

“Hehe, time ran out on you, huh?” Donnie blinked as he turned his head to see a woman with a few facial wrinkles and hair that was mostly gray.

“Y-yeah,” Donnie answered with a nod, his voice still a bit breathy from his rushing. While the lady smiled at him with pure understanding in her eyes, Donnie noted with mild curiosity that both her accessories and her dress were black, with no trace of any other color.

The lady just smiled in response before she turned her attention back to the front, leaving Donnie free to catch his breath and to scan around the chapel himself.

His eyes narrowed in confusion when he saw that everyone else was also wearing black.

One or a few people wearing black to a wedding was one thing. After all, if the best thing you had was black, why not wear it? And it wasn’t like Donnie could talk. He had on a black suit himself. But for everyone, especially the ladies, to wear black? During the middle of summer? That was...wait. Maybe it was a black-themed wedding? If so, while Donnie was relieved that he wouldn’t stand out, he was sure he would remember if his friend’s wedding had a theme like that.

Donnie looked at the wedding invitation that he still had in his hand. It seemed just like any typical wedding invitation, with a picture of the happy couple and a date and time. He saw no mention of there being a theme, let alone a-wait. Wait a minute. Donnie blinked, but that didn’t change what he saw.

The time on the invitation said 4:30 pm at the east chapel.

Not 4:00 pm.

He rushed and panicked for nothing?!

But...the chapel was full. There was no way everyone else would arrive thirty minutes early. So why...

Donnie slowly picked his head up, and for the first time, he actually looked towards the front.

There was a big picture of a man with white hair and a friendly smile. Right by an open casket.

The invitation said that the wedding was in the east chapel, meaning that there was more than one chapel. He was in the wrong one.

Donnie just crashed a funeral.

...He was so dead. It was one thing to crash a wedding, but to crash a funeral where people were rightly emotional and mourning? Donnie was a horrible human being, even if it was just an accident.

Though…hang on. There was no one at the pulpit, and people were quietly chatting with each other in the pews as someone played soft, unrecognizable music on the piano.

The funeral hadn’t started yet. Donnie could just leave without disrupting anyone!

Feeling much better, Donnie started to get up.

Suddenly, the pianist started playing a different song right as someone came up to the pulpit.

“Thank you all so much for your patience. We had some things happen at the last minute that we had to take care of,” the unknown middle-aged man said with a smile as Donnie slinked back to his seat in despair.

He...he was too late. Maybe he should just pretend that he had to go to the bathroom? When though?

Well, at least Donnie had over twenty minutes to wait for an opportunity. Maybe they will stand up to sing a farewell hymn or something. Was that something people did at funerals?

“Oh, who am I kidding. I lied. We just wanted to start the funeral late to honor Jim’s memory. Do I need to explain why?”

The chapel unexpectedly erupted in laughter. No, they roared in laughter. Like what the joke the guy just made was the most hilarious thing they had ever heard.

Which...okay, maybe it was the kind of joke that Donnie had to be in the in-crowd for, but still. Even then, Donnie couldn’t imagine laughing this loudly over a dead man for being constantly late. Especially if that dead man had been a friend of his.

Speaking of which-

“In all seriousness, thank you all for coming. It really means a lot to Jim, and to us, his family, that you all took time out of your busy lives for something like this,” the man continued flippantly, like funerals were something trivial and annoying.

Donnie sat there, flabbergasted, as he scanned the room for the others’ reactions. It was just like before. Donnie couldn’t find a single frown or a single sorrowful expression. While he knew that some people believed that death wasn’t the end...wasn’t this a little much? Wouldn’t, no, shouldn’t they still be a little sad? Donnie was when his grandpa died. And that knowing he died at the ripe old age of ninety-two, and he had wanted to see his wife, Donnie’s beloved grandma, again.

But everyone here was treating this funeral...as some sort of joke.

“Oops, it seems I have misplaced my speech notes,” the man continued as he exaggeratedly patted his suit jacket. It obviously must have been another ‘in joke’ because the crowd laughed almost even harder than before. Some were laughing so hard that they teared up.

It was a pity that they weren’t tearing up for a certain other reason.

“Well, until I find them, is there anyone who wants to speak?” the man asked when the laughter finally died down. “Jim always thought that funerals should be like an open mic session.”

...This wasn't going to turn out well. Donnie looked around at the smiling faces that surrounded him. He needed to get out of here. Maybe he could make his escape when someone got up to speak?

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a long speech,” the man at the pulpit said. “It can even be-”

“Jordan, he wants to do it!” Donnie stopped scanning the chapel as he slowly turned to the woman sitting beside him.

Who was pointing right at him.

No…

“He’s been fidgeting the whole time!” The lady added happily as Donnie felt everyone’s eyes on him.

Nooooo!

“Oh, eager aren’t we? Come on up, young man! Don’t be shy!” Jordan cried as he beckoned Donnie forward, excitedly. Seeing no way out, Donnie stood up with slightly shaky legs as the people around him applauded him happily.

He...he had just wanted to see his friend get married! Was that a crime?!

Nevertheless, Donnie walked to the pulpit, wondering if this was how King Louis XVI felt when he was marched to the guillotine. Okay, the French king probably felt worse because Donnie wasn’t actually going to die, but…

How was he going to get out of this?!

Before Donnie could find an answer, he was behind the pulpit, facing a sea of unknown, eager faces, waiting to hear his every word, despite Donnie not having uttered a single sound yet. Despite none of them knowing who he even was. Feeling like there was no air in his lungs, Donnie took a deep breath, his mind scrambling to find an acceptable escape.

Maybe-

“Wait, I don’t know you.” Donnie blinked.

That sounded like it came from his left. But the only person that was on his left was…

Donnie slowly turned his head and came face-to-face with the man in the coffin.

Who was now sitting up.

“Are you a friend of-” Jim started to ask before a scream interrupted him.

The scream came from Donnie.