Failure

The shouting behind the emergency room double doors inside the New Domangue Medical Center was muffled but nonstop. It worried Yuri. Was that Lena? Yuri couldn’t tell. Was Lena ok? Was she hurt? Yuri lost track of her surroundings as she thought about the last time they talked. That was a few weeks ago. It didn’t go well. Lena said some things that hurt Yuri and Yuri may have said some ugly things back, the types of things Yuri knows no mother should say to her daughter. Sometimes Yuri can’t help it, unable to break from the old habits that shaped her childhood in the D.R. For a spell after that, Lena didn’t answer the phone, didn’t call, so Yuri let it go and waited. Yuri waited like she always has. Ever since Lena’s father died, it’s been this way. Ten years now and Yuri felt no closer to Lena than that day.

“Mrs. Salazar?” a female doctor asked, looking up from her chart.

“Yes?” Yuri answered.

The doctor sat beside Yuri. She asked Yuri a great deal of questions that overwhelmed her. Images of people in her life floated into view—family, coworkers, friends who cast piercing, judging glances at her. It made focusing on the doctor’s words difficult. The doctor continued.

“Has anyone in your family ever been hospitalized for hearing voices, for thinking they were someone who they were not?”

Yuri did not fully understand. Was she asking if her family was crazy? What sort of questions were these? She’d never heard such questions from a doctor.

“I’m sorry to ask so many questions, but Lena appears to be having some form of psychotic episode,” the doctor said. “I’ve paged the on-call psychiatrist and he’s on his way. I’ll send the nurse to come take you to her in a short while. Mrs. Salazar…”

“Yes?” Yuri answered.

“Before you go in, you should know that we restrained your daughter.”

Yuri stood up. “I don’t understand. Is she going to jail?”

“No, no, no. It’s hospital policy to tie a person’s hands down when they’re a threat to themselves or others. I’m afraid your daughter is in that situation right now. I just want you to know so that you aren’t shocked when you see her.”

The doctor turned away and pushed the large metallic plate beside the double doors. As the doors opened, the muffled, incessant shouting that somehow had faded from Yuri’s orbit erupted into the waiting room, becoming clear, for a handful of seconds. Yuri knew. It was Lena.

Lena was saying terrible things, cursing at the nurses, shouting profanities at everyone and everything in her life. Yuri could feel her heart falling suddenly, a pang shooting outward as it dropped. She took a step towards the double doors as if to follow the doctor, but before she could advance, they shut.

Yuri stood motionless, her head lowered, her mind racing. How could that be Lena? She’d never heard her daughter sound like that. It’s as if this was a different person altogether. Was she on drugs? Maybe she was drunk? Was she really crazy, like the doctor said?

Grabbing a nearby chair, Yuri guided herself into it. What do I say to her when I see her? Yuri wondered, then lost herself in thoughts of her little girl who was always too sensitive and fragile, a little girl who loved her Papi more than anything in the world, and who changed forever after he died. As she fell into her thoughts, she didn’t notice the shouting, now muffled behind the closed double doors, ebbing until it sputtered into silence.

The double doors opened again. Yuri sprung up as if someone had kicked her seat.

“Mrs. Salazar?” the nurse asked.

Yuri nodded.

“You may see your daughter now. Follow me.”

The nurse walked beyond the nurse desk and all other examination rooms, reaching the furthest placed room “ok, here we are. She’s a lot calmer now.” The nurse knocked on the patient room door. “Lena, your mother is here.”

Yuri’s heart sank again upon seeing Lena in a hospital gown, which only partly covered her body, her arms strapped to the bed rails. Her skin was streaked with dirt. Beneath her gown, only underwear, no bra. Her hair looked as if it hadn’t been washed in weeks. Yuri started to cry. She reached out and cupped Lena’s hand.

“Mija,” she said, “que te ha pasado?”

Lena said nothing but shook violently at Yuri’s touch. Yuri let go and stepped back. Yuri cried in shock, in disbelief that this could be Lena. She grabbed her rosary and prayed, softly, almost mutedly, but loud enough that it filled the small examination room. “Padre nuestro, que estás en el cielo…”

“Stop that fucking praying,” Lena said in a clear, commanding tone. “He’s not interested in your empty promises. Try the devil. He might listen.”

Yuri’s prayer abruptly ended. Her eyes flooded with red. She could barely breathe.

“Mira, coño, ingrata. Ya veo lo que eres. Una ingrata mala. ¡Una maldita!” Yuri shouted. She couldn’t help herself, tearing into Lena for being disrespectful, for being a terrible daughter. In that moment, Yuri was certain this wasn’t crazy. No, it was an unhappy child punishing her mother, taking it to the ultimate level just to humiliate. As she yelled at Lena, Yuri sensed a sliver of justified anger swelling inside. Yuri would make Lena end this unseemly act, as she had done countless times in her daughter’s childhood. After all, this was still that child.

Yuri waged battle with Lena for more than an hour, but instead of obedience, Lena railed incessant nonsense, which only infuriated Yuri more. Giving up, Yuri fell into a smoldering, thick silence that burned silently for hours until an ambulance whisked her daughter to a mental facility. As she stood outside the emergency room, watching the ambulance drive into the awakening day, Yuri cried once more, this time chastising herself as she headed home.