Exit Interview

Do you have a minute?

For you, of course. Just let me -

Thank you. I’m afraid I’ve come to give my two weeks’ notice.

What?

It’s all in my letter of resignation.

Letter of…

I’ll just read it:

To whom it may concern,

While I have enjoyed the last fifteen years here at 345 Arizona St, I think it is time for me to move on. I appreciate all the projects you let me be a part of, even taking the lead sometimes. I believe the skills I've learned here will serve me well no matter where the future takes me. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that the company is moving in a direction I cannot be a part of. While the shift in my priorities has been gradual, it was hastened by the recent onboarding of two new colleagues -

Colleagues? Are you…are you talking about our children?

Yes. It’s all in the letter. Where was I? Ah. The recent onboarding of two new colleagues. Their lack of courtesy and even basic bathroom etiquette -

Courtesy!? They are two!

While still receiving top marks from management -

Am I…am I management?

Of course. Because of this, and many other issues that can be provided in detail upon request, I have determined it is time to separate from my current position. As is customary, I will stay on for two weeks -

What the hell is customary about this?

Two weeks to help finish any current projects I’ve been assigned.

So, what, you’re gonna finally fix the light? Paint the damn walls? What the hell are you going to do in two weeks you haven’t bothered to do in years?

I’m also willing to help find my replacement.

Oh, I don’t think I’m going to have a hard time with that. The bar is getting lower by the minute.

If you prefer I not remain for the two weeks-

You’re damn right about that.

Then I would like to go ahead and use my accrued vacation time -

What the hell are you talking about!? Did Jenny next door give you some of her mushrooms?

No, I would never take those. It would violate the company's drug policy.

Oh, I’m suspending that policy. For me.

Well, if I can’t use vacation days, I would like to discuss a severance package -

If you don’t leave right now, I will sever a package.

Well, I had hoped to have time for a farewell lunch. We can even invite Amy and J.J.

Want to know the truth? They don’t even like you. I’ve been trying to hide it, but Amy calls you a dweeb. J.J. Questions if you’re even their real dad. I told him I’d never had an affair, something I'm starting to regret. Then I had to explain what an affair was because, again, he’s two! I’ve never seen a kid look so disappointed. Had to buy him an ice cream.

Well, I’m sorry we couldn’t part on more amicable terms. I do wish you and the company good luck in all your future endeavors. Can I ask for one thing?

I am going to regret this. What?

Would you be willing to write a letter of recommendation?