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Everything She's Ever Wanted

TW: suicide and suicidal ideation, prescription-drug abuse, death of one’s parents, murder & individual and generational mental health

By Bree Alexander (she/her)Published 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 9 min read
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photo cred: http://anastasiiaphotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/09-3672-post/097-wedding-photography-at-alexander-homestead-charlotte-north-carolina.jpg

TW: suicide and suicidal ideation, prescription-drug abuse, death of one’s parents, murder, & individual and generational mental health

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Tyler was drying off after his shower when he heard his phone ring. It wasn’t the default ringtone, but a custom ringtone he had assigned to only one contact saved in his phone. The phone rang twice, then he heard Amber’s voice asking the person on the other line who they were.

I’m fucked.

He walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. What he really wanted was to grab a strong drink before diving into the conversation he knew was waiting for him.

“Alyssa wanted to know if you wanted to meet at the restaurant or if you wanted to pick her up. Who the hell is Alyssa?”

“Why are you on my phone?”

“I was taking a message for you. Who the hell is Alyssa?”

“Just a friend. And for the record, I would never invade your privacy like this.”

“You are the one cheating on me, again, but you’re making it seem like somehow I am the one in the wrong here? Because I answered your phone. Do you not see how messed up that is?”

“Like I said, she is just a friend. I’m allowed to go to dinner with girls who are not you. That doesn’t mean I’m seeing her or in a relationship with her. You need to stop being so paranoid.”

“So, she’s a friend just like Julie and Michelle and Tara and Emma? They were all just friends, too, right?”

"That was a long time ago, Amber. You said you were over it."

Tyler snatched his phone out of Amber's hands. She may have said that, and even believed it at the time, but it didn't mean that trusting him was easy. He would cheat. Amber would forgive him. He'd promise to not do it again. And Amber would believe him, until the next time. She couldn't help it. Tyler was her high school sweetheart. They started dating when they were just 13 years old and he asked her to marry him just a few days after they celebrated their 10-year anniversary. They were young, but she knew this was the only man for her. He was the love of her life, but the longer they were together, the harder it was getting to convince herself to stay in this relationship. The good moments were becoming few and far between, but Amber knew she could not live without him. Her entire identity was wrapped up in Tyler and this relationship. Without him, she didn't know who she was and she was not sure that was a person she wanted to know.

"Tyler. Is this something you still want?"

He looked up from his phone and stared blankly at her for what seemed like an eternity. She was the only person he had ever loved, but there was never a time in their relationship when he was all in. It wasn’t that he was looking for an out or that he felt like something was missing, it was more that he didn’t want the responsibility that came with their life together. Tyler started dating Amber quickly after her parents tragically died in a car accident. He helped manage her medications and knew that their relationship was one of the things that gave her life meaning. She told him that all the time. It was a lot of pressure to put on anyone, let alone a teenage boy. Tyler knew he was the person Amber wanted, but he had no idea just how much she needed him. Sometimes, it was too much for him to handle and maybe he was doing this as a way to sabotage their relationship. Maybe his cheating would get to be too much for Amber and she'd finally give up on him. But, deep down, he knew he wouldn't be able to live without Amber. His identity was as dependent on this relationship as Ambers.

"I love you, Amber. I always will, but sometimes this is too much."

"What are you trying to say? That you're done? That this is over?"

Silence.

"So, this is it? This is how 12 years together ends?"

Amber stormed out of their apartment before Tyler could offer a response. She got into her car and drove as far as she could before her car came sputtering to a stop. She looked at the dash and realized she had run out of gas. Her mind was too preoccupied to notice the blinking low-fuel sign. She got out of the car, kicked the door shut, and started walking back the way she had come from. She was hoping that she had passed a gas station at some point on her drive.

Amber had never been out this way before. She was completely lost, but didn't mind. It was much more peaceful out here than in the city. As she walked along a fence line, she noticed an old, run-down barn at the top of the hill. She had always wanted to be married in a barn, so she took this as a sign that maybe her relationship could be saved.

She hopped over the short fence that divided the highway from the land and trekked up the hill to the barn. The deep color of the wood had faded to a dull shade, assumingly from years of wind, rain, and minimal upkeep. She entered through a hole in the side of the barn’s wall and turned on her cellphone’s flashlight to get a better look around. She scanned the walls, in some places being able to see the trees swaying outside from where she stood, and noted the cobwebs that covered the large openings. Amber walked around the barn, noticing beams of moonlight shining onto the dirt floor. She looked up towards the roof, able to see the stars and moon through the large holes in the ceiling, and stood, unmoving, underneath the moonlight.

She closed her eyes and in her mind was singing the words to “I Thought I Loved Her Then." As she sang, she twirled around the dance floor, imaging herself in Tyler's arms. She opened her eyes and turned to face what she assumed was once the entrance to the barn. She envisioned one dozen round tables, adorned with white table cloths and mason jars full of sunflowers and baby’s breath. Each table was cluttered with candles and two bottles of wine for their guests to enjoy. She looked up and pictured strings of lights draped across the rafters and hanging down the barn’s walls.

She drank it in: the memories she would never have and the life she would never live. She knew if her parents were alive that her father would tell her to “suck it up, buttercup. Stop being dramatic. You can either accept Tyler for who he is or walk away from the relationship. Don’t try to change him. It won’t work.” Her mom would offer different advice. She would tell Amber that if this is the love of her life, then she would need to do whatever it takes to keep him. She would need to show Tyler just how painful a life without her would truly be.

Even though the police had ruled their death an accident, Amber knew that was not the case. She had found out that her father was not just having an affair, but that he had an entire other family. Amber was at the mall a few towns over when she saw her father getting ice cream with a woman and a young child. Being Amber, she walked right over to them and confronted them. He told her everything and begged Amber not to tell her mother. He promised that he was going to tell her when they got home. That night, Amber watched her mother’s entire world crumble. Her dad decided to stay with her mom, mostly because she threatened to kill herself if he left, but she was never the same after that. She was incredibly paranoid, anxious, and irritable. Her mood swings were intense and Amber spent those next five months hiding from the two of them. She was sick of hearing them fight and that was all they could manage to do anymore. The night before the accident Amber remembered her mom coming into her room, sobbing. Through her tears, Amber’s mother whispered, “you have the power to make this life exactly what you want it to be.”

Amber knew that the only way her mother could keep her father for herself was if she killed him. So, that is what she did. Amber is convinced that her mother drove off of that cliff with her father in the car so that he could never leave her again. That was her mom's way of expressing her power. Amber knew people would not understand her mother or the reason she had done what she did, so she never told anyone what her mother had said that night, but Amber understood. Now, more than ever. Amber rummaged through her purse and pulled out each of her prescription bottles. She poured the contents of the bottles onto the barn’s floor. She was not afraid to die, and honestly, death seemed much easier than living most days. But more than anything, she wanted Tyler to know just what it would feel like to live without her. She took a deep breath then swallowed all of the pills without a second thought.

Tyler tried calling Amber’s phone the entire time she was gone, but it was going straight to voicemail. He was starting to get nervous. She had done this before, but never for this long. She was forgiving to a fault. It was something Tyler loved about her. He decided to turn on the find my friend’s app and track her phone. He would never forgive himself if something bad happened to her while they were fighting. He drove until he found her car. He parked behind it, at the bottom of the hill in front of the barn, and took off from his car in a sprint.

"Amber! Amber!"

Amber opened her eyes, still groggy from all of the medicine she took nearly an hour ago. It took all of her energy to just sit up. She leaned against the wall of the barn and Tyler rushed over to her, scooping her up in his arms.

"I am so sorry!"

"You came for me."

"Of course I did. I love you. I have always loved you.”

Amber smiled. For the first time, she felt like she was Tyler's entire world. He had never looked at her like this before. With such worry and compassion. And truthfully, he had never cared for her this much before.

It was getting harder and harder for Amber to focus and make sense of her muddled thoughts. The line between reality and the world she was creating for herself was beginning to blur. The world she was living in was less enticing than the place she had created in her mind. There she was happy and complete and whole. There she didn't have pain. There she had everything she could have ever wanted. For the first time, in a long time, maybe in her whole life, she felt at peace.

With her last, dying breath, Amber whispered "I will always love you."

That was it. She was gone. And for the last 5 years, Tyler has spent every day trying to understand why Amber did what she did and why he never saw it coming. But the truth is he would never know why.

All Tyler was certain of is that he would never forget Amber.

She made sure of that.

Short Story
1

About the Creator

Bree Alexander (she/her)

Mom of three (2 fur babies and 1 human). Married to my wife and best friend. By day, a researcher steeped in higher education reform and efforts. By night, an aspiring writer, reading enthusiast, and roller derby-er in the making.

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