Every Ending Until the Last

The bottle made a hollow, grating, tinkling sound as it spun.  James watched nervously as it made its rounds on the pavement outside the gym.  The pounding of the middle school dance’s music was barely audible.  Even the pounding of James’s heart was louder as he waited nervously for the bottle to land on one of his friends who encircled it.

Then it landed on Ross.

It was a pretty even mix of girls and boys around the bottle; James’s odds had been fifty-fifty.  Yet the damn thing had stopped on his best friend.  A chorus of whooping went up from the group: teasing, humored, even a little grossed out as children are wont to express regarding kissing.  Ross, however, seemed purely amused.

James didn’t join any of them.  The trepidation he had expected to redouble instead became a shock of… was it relief?  Joy?  Excitement?  But before he could untangle his unexpected feelings—

“What are you all doing out here?!”

Everyone jumped at Mrs. Randall’s scolding bark.  The sound came accented with the screech of the gymnasium’s back door.  They all leapt up and bolted back inside.

“Spin the bottle!” Mrs. Randall chided them.  “Barely even hitting puberty and you’re already trying to give it away!  Wait ‘til I tell your parents!”

She certainly would have, too, if she’d been able to recognize any of their faces.  They darted away too fast, like a school of startled fish.

“Saved by the bell!” a friend teased James once they were back inside.  The comment made him flush.

Ross turned to James, still smiling at their misadventure, and said kindly, “You wouldn’t have had to if you didn’t want to, you know.  No one would have made you.”

“Oh,” said James, a little surprised.

“Come on,” said Ross.  “Let’s go find our dates!”

He disappeared into the crowd.

What James didn’t say was; “But I wanted to.”

“I still can’t believe you got a full ride to Notre Dame,” said James.  “What, are you good at kicking footballs or something?”

Ross laughed, a big, bright sound that cut through the overwhelming cacophony of the airport crowd surging around them.

“So you weren’t paying attention when you came to every one of my games?” Ross returned playfully.

“I was keeping score, dude,” said James.  “I wasn’t paying attention to technique or whatever.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” said Ross.  “Like you didn’t pick up anything in four years.”

“I picked up your goal average,” said James.  “I didn’t realize it was a good goal average.”

“Yeah, well, it was,” said Ross, almost smug.  “So full ride?  You better believe it.”

They paused in their walk as they approached the security line.  The joy faded from Ross’s face as he looked at the gate leading to his future and away from their tiny hometown.  And his best friend.

“What I can’t believe is that you’re moving so far away,” he said.  “I mean… I get it, Georgia Tech has a great engineering program, but Jesus, James.”

“I know,” James shrugged.

“You won’t even be home for holidays.”

“I know.”

“We’ve been friends for, like, ever, and I won’t see you for almost a year.”

“I know,” James sighed.  “I just….  I had to get out of small town U.S.A., you know?  And Georgia Tech fit what I was looking for, so.”

Ross frowned back at the security line.

“Well… I guess this is it,” he said.

“Yeah, I suppose,” replied James sadly.

They locked eyes for a moment, and neither of them wanted to say goodbye.  As unbelievable as full rides and far-away colleges were, neither compared to where they found themselves now.  Twelve years of friendship, growing up alongside each other, turning from wild, frivolous children into awkward preteens, into even more awkward teenagers.  Now they stood here, practically men, and it was all over.

James despised the fact that the moment they became adults and could leave behind their neighbors’ judgmental stares they were parting ways.  But he had wanted this.  Because he knew for a fact that Ross would never feel the way James felt about him, and every day it ate him alive from the inside out.  He needed distance.

For a moment James considered telling Ross all of this.  If they were going to drift apart anyway, why not speak the whole truth and Ross could figure things out without James around?

But that would definitely be the last nail in the coffin for their friendship.  Better to let it fade away between summer breaks instead.

“Okay,” said Ross.  “I better go.”

“Okay,” James agreed.

They embraced, and they both hated that this might be the last time they were this close for a very long while.

“Now you call me on one of those new-fangled cellphones, you hear?” said Ross as he pulled away, trying to lighten the mood in spite of the tears he couldn’t hide in his eyes.  “Don’t just... bury yourself in homework.  I want stories, and I want good ones.”

James couldn’t stop himself from laughing as Ross wandered toward security.

“Yeah, okay,” he replied.

“Seriously!” Ross pressed.  “Good ones!  Promise me!”

“Fine, I promise!” James shouted back.

“Okay then!” Ross said.  Then he waved.  “Bye, James!”

James waved back.  “Bye, Ross.”

The factory floor was nothing but hydrolics, MIG welder zaps, and saws buzzing through metal.  Even with ear protection, it grated on James’s nerves.  Keeping his head down and blinders on was his most reliable tactic when he went for inspections.

His redesign on the latest 747 had just been completed.  A few new mechanics had been working on the production and he needed to assess if any adjustments were required in the fabrication and assembly process.

The plane showed a few odd spots, but at some point James came across a series of joints that were near perfection.  He turned to the production supervisor accompanying him, taking his headphones off.

“Who worked on this section?” James yelled over the noise.

“New guy,” the man replied.  “Why?  Is it crap?”

“No, it’s great, actually,” said James.  “Who was it?”

The supervisor pointed and James turned to look, and froze.

“Holy shit… James?”

“Oh… my God, Ross,” James gasped as he recognized his best friend, aged four years since they’d last seen each other.  “Hi.”

“Hey!” replied Ross joyously.

He strode over and pulled James into a tight embrace.  James was so shocked he could barely summon the strength to return the sentiment.  The same company, the same plant, the same project thousands of miles from where they grew up.  What were the odds?  For a moment, James simultaneously praised and cursed fate for this coincidence.  The joy of seeing Ross was agony.

“What the heck are you doing here, man?” Ross asked, pulling away.

“Me?” James scoffed, smiling.  “I’m an engineer.  What the heck are you doing here?”

“Well, after my injury, I went home and worked at Gary’s,” replied Ross.  “But I kinda got bored changing oil, so I started looking for mechanic jobs: saw this one, interviewed, did the tests… and they hired me.”

“Wow,” said James.  “That’s… wow!”

“Right?!” replied Ross.  “Hey, why don’t we grab a beer after work?  Catch up?”

“So yeah, that’s me,” said Ross, picking up his beer from where it had languished on the bar top during his understandably lengthy narrative.  “What about you?  Tell me all the adventures of James Anderson.”

“Oh, geez, well…,” James said, suddenly unprepared to summarize the last four years.  “There’s not all that much to tell, really.  I… graduated Georgia Tech, went on to get my masters at MIT….  Before finishing up the grad program, I started looking for jobs in my field.  Found this here in Seattle.  Two years under my belt and still enjoying it, so… call it a win.”

“Man, from one coast to the other,” said Ross.  “How worldly of you.”

James sniffed a laugh.

“But what about… everything else?” Ross asked.  “What about… I mean, are you seeing anyone?  Have you found the girl of your dreams yet?”

James felt a pang of anxiety.  He had been out for a while now, but mostly with people in his new life, not necessarily the old.  Mostly because of how little he spoke with anyone from his hometown.  He’d told the important people he had grown up with: parents, sister….  Guess he missed one.  And for some reason, the thought of coming out to Ross was daunting.

Actually, he knew exactly the reason.  Apparently time and distance hadn’t diminished James’s feelings the way he had hoped.

“I’ve… had a few relationships here and there,” said James evasively.  “Nothing ever really stuck.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Ross.  “Hey; she’s out there, Jim.  You’ll find her.”

James had to sigh a little at the pronouns.  He wanted so badly to sweep it under the rug, but he couldn’t.

“Actually, no, she’s not,” said James.

“Oh, come on, don’t talk like that,” Ross encouraged.

“No, Ross… I’m gay.”

Ross’s eyebrows shot up.  “Oh!  Oh… wow, um… I’m sorry.”

James turned an amused if slightly offended look at his friend.  “You’re sorry?”

“No, no, I just mean… I’m sorry I was all… talking about finding a girl and stuff,” Ross fumbled.

“I mean, I never told you, so,” James shrugged.

“Yeah,” Ross shrugged.  “Yeah, I s’pose.

“…Have you always been gay?”

James snorted.

“Yeah, Ross,” he replied.  “Most people who are gay have been gay their whole lives.”

“Oh—God, yes, of course,” Ross laughed at himself.  “Duh.  So stupid of me!”

“It’s okay,” said James with a soft chuckle.

“Yeah,” said Ross, drifting into thought.  “Man, that… must have sucked growing up in our town, then.”

James nodded slowly.  “Now you know why I had to leave.”

Ross nodded as well.  “Yeah… yeah, now I do.

“I wish I’d known.  I would have helped you.”

Then James remembered exactly why he had fallen in love with Ross.  If there had ever been a moment when James needed understanding, compassion, or kindness in all their years growing up, Ross always gave it to him freely.  It was a strange trait that set him apart from the rest of the jocks at school; he never shied away from emotions.

So when he expressed regret at not being a shoulder to lean on, James didn’t say it was okay, or that it wasn’t his fault.

He said, “You did.”

James held out his beer for a cheers.  Ross replied with a small, heartfelt smile, then clinked his bottle with James’s.

And in the time he drank of his beverage, James contemplated seriously for the first time in eight years confessing to Ross exactly how much his company had meant to him back in the day.

But they had just caught up.  Seemed like a weird thing to spring on someone within four hours of reuniting.  So James chose the option that kept his feelings tucked safely in a corner where they could only do damage to him and not his friend.

“How about you?”

“Me?” Ross asked.

“Anyone locked you down yet?” James asked, forcing a teasing tone.

Ross laughed and replied, “Oh, gosh… yeah.  I uh… I actually just got engaged.”

James immediately clapped a muzzle on his emotions.

“Wow, really?!” he said instead.  “Congrats, man!  Holy crap.”

“Yeah!” Ross agreed.  “It’s still kind of sinking in.  I just asked her last week.  Her name’s Cassidy.  She’s… a hoot.  You’d love her.

“Wow, you know…,” Ross looked off into the distance, shaking his head, “maybe that’s why I ran into you today.  I mean, you were such a huge part of my life.  Really, Jim, I know we haven’t talked in years, but I still think of you as my best friend.  Would you… would you stand up at my wedding?”

James didn’t have much time to think over his response.  There were too many emotions to sift through.  Emotions he wouldn’t have had to contemplate if he wasn’t in love with Ross.  So to keep up appearances, he made the logical choice based on who he had to be for his friend, not who he wished he could be.

“Yeah, Ross,” said James.  “I’d be honored.”

“If anyone has reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Ross and Cassidy looked nervously out from the altar.  A soft murmur of laughter went up from the crowd at the silly, frightened looks on their faces.  But no one spoke.

Even James.  That didn’t mean a knot didn’t form in his stomach, a surge of electricity running the length of his spine.  He felt his weight shift imperceptibly off one foot, ready to step forward, because for those terrible five seconds the priest waited, James felt that this moment was his absolute last chance to tell Ross he loved him.

Then the moment passed.

“Let us continue.”

“Is he going to be okay?” James asked.

“Well…,” the nurse sighed, her face solemn.  “A head injury like this, patients usually show some improvement by now….  So far, he hasn’t.  At this point… he’s probably going to fade away.”

James felt a lump form in his throat.

“Why, uh—,” he choked around the blockage.  “Do we know why he’s not getting better?”

“Not really, no,” the nurse replied.  “We do see this sometimes.  Usually with people who don’t have any visitors.  You’ve probably heard that coma patients can hear people talking to them.  Sometimes when no one is cheering them on, they just let go.”

James nodded as tears slipped from his eyes.  He hadn’t been present to hear exactly what was said at Ross and Cassidy’s fifth anniversary gathering, but from what their work friends had told him, the fight had been bad.  And public.  And Cassidy’s brothers had gotten mad.  Luckily bystanders had stepped in, but not before Ross sustained a TBI.

It also caused Ross and Cassidy’s separation.  All their friends had sided with her, too.  Admittedly they had all been Cassidy’s friends before their partnership.  For some reason, Ross’s friends had dropped off over the years.  James had been the only one who made an effort to stick around, even if he felt like Cassidy hated him.  James didn’t really like Cassidy either.  It may have been why he’d held onto Ross’s friendship so tightly.  He hadn’t seen this coming… but he’d harbored a sense of dread.

Now James was all Ross had left.  Even his family had left him to die in this bed, which James just couldn’t figure out.  Ross’s parents had always been so kind, if a little hyper-religious.  Perhaps the fact that Ross was now getting divorced was too much of a shame for them to bear.  Better for their son to die than to divorce?  It seemed a flimsy explanation, but in his lifetime James had met a lot of people with a lot of flimsy excuses for very extreme actions.

“You’re his friend?” the nurse’s question pulled James from his thoughts.

“Yeah,” James replied.  “We grew up together.”

“Do you want to sit with him for a while?” she asked.

The thought of sitting beside Ross—his body still, silent, and connected to more machines by wires and tubes than James could count—made it difficult to breathe.  It was hard just standing in the doorway.

“Will it make any difference?” James asked.

The nurse shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she said.  “But even if it doesn’t, at least you can spend some time with him before he goes.  Say goodbye.”

“Say goodbye,” James repeated, contemplating the phrase.  Then he nodded.  “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay,” the nurse acknowledged as she left. “I’ll give you some time alone.”

“Thank you….”

James walked around to the opposite side of Ross’s bed, the beep of the monitor and the hiss of the ventilator off rhythm with his footsteps.  He pulled up a chair to sit facing his friend, and was still for a while.

Then he began.

“Hey, Ross.  I neeeever would have guessed this is how it would end….  Not once in all these years…. So not what you deserve….

“Do you remember that time, back in middle school when we all played spin the bottle behind the gym?  God, the things you get up to as a kid.”  James had to laugh.  “…But I think I knew even then.

“Oh, have I been keepin’ a secret from you, my friend.”

James reached out a hand to take hold of Ross’s where it lay on the bed.  He was unexpectedly warm to the touch.

“I honestly can’t count how many times I thought about telling you—that I wanted to tell you,” James continued.  “I don’t know what was stopping me.  I mean, I knew your answer, so… what was the point?  Strange thing is… I don’t think it hurt any less not saying something.

“Now we’re here,” James laughed bitterly.  “All those times I thought I would never have the opportunity again, but you just kept coming back around… and I kept missing my last chance….  I guess this really is my last chance.”

James gripped Ross’s hand a little tighter.

“I love you, Ross,” he said.  “So much.  I always have….

“And you know what, I always will.  And that probably doesn’t matter, but… I just couldn’t let you go without telling you.  Finally.”

James heaved a sigh, letting go of Ross so he could use both hands to wipe the tears from his cheeks, then run his fingers up into his hair.  The relief was so intermingled with his grief, all he could do was grip his scalp.

Then he collapsed back in his chair.

“And now… I guess we wait.”

Given Ross’s trajectory, his doctor expected him to pass overnight.  So James stayed.  He even slept on the hard, slippery couch in the room, though he didn’t really sleep much, if at all.  But the sun set, and it rose, and Ross was still alive.

Then, slowly… he began to get better.