EVAN

I knew from that first date that I was going to be in trouble. What started so innocent as an informal date would eventually ruin my life as I knew it. Up until that point, I thought I had known what love was. This would show me I didn't know shit about love. Looking back, I would realize that that wasn't either, but I let it consume me and take over my heart and cancel out my brain. Any rational thoughts were squashed by the idea of prince charming with the sapphire eyes.

It's a good time to mention that I was half-assing a long distance relationship at this time. Evan knew all about it. In fact, the reason for the "first date" was to establish a friends-with-benefits situation while there was distance between my so-called boyfriend at the time. It was his idea, my ex's. Evan also knew all about this and my initial intentions. His exact words were "I'll take any kind of relationship I can have with you as long as I can have you." This was the phrase that jump-started the fluttering in my heart. The phrase that made me feel like I was worth wanting. He knew exactly how to pull at my heart strings in just the right way to make me his puppet. I thought I was in control of everything that happened, but it turns out he was all along.

The first time he kissed me, I stopped breathing. Much like the parking lot of the first date in which I had anticipated it and was let down. We were sitting in my apartment on my tiny couch. One of his arms wrapped around my back with his other hand in my hair, pulling me into him. His pink lips pressed against mine ever so perfectly. Electric shooting down through my breasts and my stomach to my lady bits. I never recalled feeling like that previously with anyone. I had to pull myself away with staggered breath.

When I opened my eyes, they were met with his ocean blue eyes. He had a smile that spread all the way into them and made me feel wanted. I took a break and laid my head in the crook of his neck. I could hear his heart beat just as quick as mine.

When I was still in middle school, our English teacher read us a passage, from a poem or a book that I can't remember, about how the writer's soulmate's heartbeat and hers aligned. I listened to Evan's heart beat quickly in his chest and felt mine at the same time. They didn't align like 11 year old me thought they would if I found my soulmate. 22 year old me very much still believed in love and soulmates and had only really been hurt once in my life by my first boyfriend, which is typically a "love" that doesn't last for most people anyways. I frowned, but I didn't let him see that. He wasn't supposed to be that for me, remember? Just a way to pass time.

Let's take a minute to laugh at that joke, knowing this boy DESTROYED me in less time than it takes milk to rot in the fridge. That kiss, followed by that phrase, sent me down the rabbit hole head first. Landing on my head at the bottom and sustaining a head injury is the only way I can explain away most of my decisions between the end of June and the end of August.

Over the next few week, the make-out sessions became hotter and heavier than I had imagined it getting to, especially after moving them to the queen size bed for more comfort. I let my hormones get the best of me very quickly.

Laying bare underneath him in my bed, I could see the excitement in his eyes. As much as I HATED my body, he was taking in every inch of it as if it were some rare Italian sculpture in a museum he had waited all of his life to visit and see in person. We weren't hitting home base at this point, but we were definitely and quickly rounding third.

I had never enjoyed the act of which he was about to complete on me with his head beneath the covers and he was no different. It wasn't that it didn't feel good. I just felt awkward. What do I do with my hands? Do I look at him? Do I look at the popcorn ceiling above me? Watch the movie we had put on with no intentions of watching? I overthink it and it just ruins any enjoyment. So I switch the roles instead. I much more of a pleaser rather than a pleasee. I had never gotten complaints before about my performance and he wasn't about to start.

Afterwards, he was laying asleep in my bed while I watched him, one arm draped over my stomach and keeping me close to him. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I had decided to break up with my "boyfriend". It was never going to work out and be what we wanted it to be and I had made my peace with that. After all, I could have everything I ever wanted here with Evan, right?

The next day, during my EMT class, I sat in the second row and cried through the whole lecture while I broke someone else's heart for the first time in my life through text message. I wasn't crying because I didn't want it to end. I was crying because I was hurting him and I didn't like doing that. I knew it needed to be done. Things between Evan and I were rapidly heating up and becoming so much more than just a friends-with-benefits situation it had started as and it wasn't fair to my now ex to keep up the charade of the relationship while that happened.

I messaged Evan on my lunch break. It's done. Of course he already knew my plans for the day. Not so much that I wanted more out of things with him, but that I had planned to breakup with my ex. That morning, when I had told him my plans, I saw that glimmer of excitement in his eyes, like a hope for what could possibly come of this for him and me. Though neither of us mentioned the possibilities.

Per usual, he came over to my apartment so we could have all the privacy we wanted. He was still living at home while he waited for college to start in the fall. There were 4 years between the two of us. Which doesn't seem like such a big deal until you think about the fact that six months ago, this would have been highly illegal. I'm really good at looking past things that should be red flags.

This time, we slid right on into that home base. I had never had such an experience. While I wasn't a virgin, I had definitely never done the deed like that before and holy shit was it fantastic. Breathless, we lay there spooning (of course I was little spoon with how much bigger he was than I am). He nuzzled into my neck. I turned over on my back and looked into the cerulean blue eyes that I absolutely adored.

"You know how I broke things off with....?" I asked, already knowing he knew.

"Mhm," he stared back at me, narrowing his eyes out of confusion.

"It wasn't just because it had run it's course." I looked away and he sat silent. I don't know if he expected me to continue on or if he was still confused. "I also can't help but thinking that this would be better. That you would be better. For me."

A light bulb went off in his head and he grinned. He absolutely was thrilled at the idea of actually getting to date me. He kept smiling as he suggested that I come to the Fourth of July fireworks with him as a first official date together. I instantly hated my job for their stupid policy of making every single employee work every single holiday. That meant that my second shift schedule would not leave me enough time to get to the fireworks with him that night, not with the crowd of people it attracted. I really contemplated quitting just to be able to go with him.

"Hey, that's okay. There will be plenty more holidays we can spend together," he said. There would not be. This would be the one and only holiday that occurred over our whirlwind relationship. "Maybe you could at least come to early dinner with me and meet my mom though."

Stunned. Too stunned to speak. That was freaking quick. Another red flag that I stupidly ignored. "Uh.....sure," I croaked out finally.

That's how I ended up at an Olive Garden an hour north of me with Evan and three of his family members on the Fourth of July in the most awkward dinner I have yet to participate in.