Ethan

I was bent over my history textbook, highlighting an important sentence regarding the fall of Rome. My desk lamp illuminated the pages as I slid the neon yellow highlighter over the words. I was completely absorbed in the story of Romulus Augusts and the Germanic invaders when I heard a tap on my window. I lifted my head and looked towards my curtains, which were half drawn.

Tap!

Then another tap.

Then another.

I moved towards the window and peered down into the courtyard below. Ethan was standing under a lamp on the brick sidewalk. He was grinning and holding a paper bag. I opened the window, popped the screen, and leaned out.

“Well, hello there,” I called down.

He lifted the bag and said, “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“I’ll be down in a sec.” I closed the window and rushed to my mirror to check my appearance. Satisfied, I jogged out the door into the hallway, and rushed down several flights of stairs.

When I opened the building door to let Ethan in, he bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. I still wasn’t used to his height or the sheer size of him. He was over six feet tall and had a massive frame. He was muscular and solid. He could pick me up like I weighed nothing. Yet, despite his hulking physique, he was calm and quiet. His size may have been intimidating, but he had a gentle soul. It was my favorite thing about him.

We walked into my building and I stopped at the elevator doors.

“Let’s be lazy,” I said as I smiled up at him. When the elevator doors closed, he wrapped his free arm around my waist and buried his face into my neck. As he trailed little kisses up and down my neck and shoulder I asked, “So, you gonna tell me what’s in the bag?”

“Nope.” He let out a short laugh. He knew I didn’t like delayed gratification. He was being coy on purpose.

I exhaled loudly in frustration and he continued to hold me until the elevator doors opened to my floor. We walked down the hall in silence, holding hands. With Ethan, the silence was always comfortable. Stillness came naturally to him but not to me. I learned quickly after meeting him that I didn’t always have to fill up space with chatter. I enjoyed just being in his presence without talking, which was something I’d never experienced before.

As I opened the door I whispered, “Everyone is either out or asleep.”

“Good,” he replied, and he quickly ducked his shoulder so I’d fall over it as he held me with only one arm. He was still carrying the mystery bag in his other hand. As we entered my room, he shut the door softly with his foot, dropped the bag on my desk, and tossed me onto my bed. He climbed into bed next to me and laid on his side, perching his head on his hand like he was a model posing for a photoshoot.

He pulled me close, and kissed me deeply. His moustache tickled my nose but I didn’t pull away. I loved his moustache. It was the first thing I noticed about him.

In the beginning of the semester, I was crossing the street from my apartment to campus. All of a sudden, I saw this huge guy riding a skateboard towards me. He looked comically large next to all of the normal sized people walking by him. His muscular legs deftly maneuvered the board like he’d been born with it attached to his feet. He was so graceful for someone his size. As he got closer, I noticed that he had a big, handlebar mustache. It was surprising to see. I was used to the baby-faced frat guys I hung out with at parties. I’d never seen any young man on campus sporting a Tom Selleck stache. He passed me on his board and his face was serene, like he was in another world. In that moment, I willed him to notice me. He sped by without looking.

I pulled away from Ethan’s kiss and grabbed his face with both hands.

“Tell me what’s in the bag, or I’m kicking you out!” I whispered aggressively. He smiled wide and shook his head and pulled me in for another kiss.

“Not yet,” he bent down to kiss me again, but I shifted my head and dodged it.

“You interrupt my studying with your pebble throwing and all of this kissing, just to tease me with this mystery bag? Whatever’s in there better be good!” I laughed and tried to lunge for the bag. He caught me and said, “Patience, kiddo.”

He called me “kiddo”. He threw pebbles at my window to get my attention instead of just texting me. He wouldn’t let me get out of his car until he came around to my side to open the door for me. He quoted Jung and Nietzsche. He wore his hair combed over. He wasn’t just an ordinary college student. He was like a time traveler sent to this modern age to make me weak in the knees. He was the most interesting person I’d ever met.

He got up and held the bag. “This is going to be anti-climactic,” he chuckled.

“I don’t care, just give me my surprise!” I whined.

“Close your eyes.” I quickly shut them.

“Hold out your hands.”

He placed something long, skinny, and pointy in one hand.

A fork! I thought.

Then a box of something in the other.

I opened my eyes before he told me I could.

The box was a take-out container. In it, was a giant slice of chocolate cake. I salivated at the sight of it. It had several layers, with fudgy ganache and creamy icing.

“Cake?!” I whispered loudly.

“I figured you could use a break from studying,” he said softly. He sat back down on my bed next to me.

“Where’s your fork?” I asked with a sheepish grin. He knew too well that I never liked to share desserts. Our first date ended at a frozen yogurt shop and I very boldly told him I never shared anything with sugar.

He pulled another fork out of the bag. “I’m in a generous mood,” I said sarcastically. He put his finger into the icing and before I could duck, caught me on the end of my nose. I laughed and wiped off the icing, licking it off my fingers.

He let me take the first bite. It was so rich and decadent. It was the perfect balance of sweetness from the icing and bitterness from the dark chocolate ganache.

“Holy shit,” I practically moaned with a mouth full of cake. He smiled and took a bite. His eyebrows raised in approval.

We each ate a few more bites in silence until he said, “Hey, so I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

A fluttery, nervous feeling crept into the pit of my stomach, and the cake in my mouth suddenly felt like cement. I swallowed it as best I could, and smiled to mask my nervousness.

“Okay, I’m all ears.”

I knew what he was going to say. For the past few weeks, I had tried to play it cool. Ethan clearly liked me, but he was quiet bordering on withholding. I couldn’t always tell what he was thinking, which was frustrating for me, since I read other people so easily. Last week, in a moment of weakness, I asked him if he wanted to spend the summer with me at my family’s beach house. I had imagined a romantic summer full of beach walks and swimming in the ocean. But when I asked, I immediately regretted it. His response was lukewarm and noncommittal.

“I wanted to follow up with you about your offer for this summer.” His face was neutral.

The nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach turned into dread. I put my fork down. I wished I could wash the chocolate taste out of my mouth. I looked up at him, trying not to let my face show my disappointment.

“My older brother invited me to drive out to California to visit him this summer. So unfortunately, I’m going to have to turn you down.”

“Oh, that’s fine,” I said, plastering a smile onto my face. “You have to go see your brother. That’s awesome!” My enthusiasm sounded fake.

“I appreciate your offer though,” he said. He took my hand in his. It made mine look so small. I stared down at it.

“I couldn’t pass up the opportunity for a real adventure. Driving across the country alone, trying to get a job out there on my own, practicing surfing in my spare time, and meeting new people. It’ll be a struggle, but it’ll be worth it for the life experience.” He sounded genuinely excited.

And there it was. The struggle. The sinking feeling in my stomach deepened as I kicked myself for asking him in the first place. I felt like such a snob. I asked him to spend the summer with me at my parents’ second home, being lazy with me at the beach. I didn’t even think about the fact that he had to work to pay for school, while I had everything taken care of for me.

This wasn’t the first time I felt embarrassed by my privilege. It was evident in the fact that he took extra shifts at work to pay for our dates. I always tried to go Dutch but he was too chivalrous to let me pay. It was obvious in the way we planned our days. My days were filled with classes, and sorority meetings, and parties, and studying. His were planned around classes and his work schedule. So often when I asked him to hang out, he couldn’t- not because he didn’t want to but because he had real world obligations that I didn’t have to deal with yet. Tasks like making money and paying bills and being responsible.

I sat there looking at his hand holding mine and felt so embarrassed for my nativity and ignorance of the world outside of my privileged bubble. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I might cry.

“Thank you so much for the cake,” I finally said. “It was exactly what I needed. That was so thoughtful of you.”

He smiled and said, “It was apology cake. I know you had grand plans in your head for us this summer. I’m sorry if I disappointed you.”

I look at him surprised. Sometimes, he was so intuitive, it was spooky.

“You could never disappoint me, Ethan.” I leaned in and kissed him.