Escape

I can't remember a time I couldn't fly. I'm still unsure if that is a good thing or not. He use to take me away, not just physically, but all the pain would fly away with us. I would lay there, frozen in time, close my eyes and silently urge him to come.

Dad had gone off to work and never came back. Mom spent many nights watching the door instead of watching me. If you would have just been better, maybe he would have stayed, she would yell. Then immediately cry and wrap her arms around me, say she was sorry, and that she didn't mean it. I didn't understand back then, how could I? I tried my best to speak only when spoken to, to close the door of my room when I saw him raise his fist. To run to the closet with my paper and markers when I heard the glass shatter against the wall. I would gladly take all the scars that had been burned on my soul and put them on my skin instead. At least skin could heal.

Billy tried to take his place but took more than that. Mom was having a mid life crisis and thought remarrying a young man would bring her youthful nature back, that it would prevent her grey hairs from sprouting or make her believe she wasn't broken. She let the evil in and I would never forgive her for that.

He would teach me softball and take me to karate. He taught me math and made me breakfast on school days. At night he would teach me that monsters look just like normal people. That first time I heard the creak on the floor, even at the young age of 6, I knew. I was wearing my new princess pajama, the one that sparkled and color changed and made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world; that was the last time I ever felt that way. I only wore them one night before having to throw them away, I couldn't look at them anymore. Maybe it was the pajamas that led him to my room that night. Maybe if I didn't twirl for him he wouldn't have hurt me. I grabbed my old pjs that were too small for the next night, but realized it didn't matter.

In the mornings I felt gutted, exposed to all of the world, as if everyone now knew my secret. I couldn't go anywhere without the feeling that all eyes were on me. Nighttime was the worst, as the sound of the whistling wind and the branches hitting the window numbed me. I listened closely to each and every sound, determining if it was nature outside or the thunderstorm inside that was about to erupt. Some nights I couldn't tell if it was real; I just knew whether I opened my eyes or closed them, it was a nightmare.

She knew, she had to know. Maybe she couldn't face another man disappointing her. Maybe she needed to use me as a scapegoat for all her failures. Or maybe she just didn't care.

On one of the many nights that I lay paralyzed in bed and felt warm breath on my neck, I saw it through the sunroof. His dark eyes matched the night sky like bullets around his pure white face. When he screeched I wasn't afraid. Take me with you, take me away, I silently begged. And he did. Together we flew the night sky and through fields of gold. I closed my eyes and felt the wind hit my cheeks like bruises. I begged him not to take me back when the burn of the sun was coming over the horizon. The closer we flew towards it the more painful the heat became. Please, let me stay with you, I implored as I watched myself slowly land back into my body on the cold bed. The owl would never keep me; he always brought me back down as the weight on top of me got up and left.

The owl visited many times throughout the years. Billy did too. When I finally could leave home I thought it was the end of my journey with the owl. Truth be told I was sad, he was a comfort and knew just when I needed him. I soon found out I couldn't escape him. He would visit me when navigating through the dating world became a repeat of my childhood. When I couldn't figure out who I was and what I wanted to be. When I realized no one was trustworthy. When the drugs weren't enough to numb the pain. Let me stay this time, I urged, let me stay with you forever. As always, he brought me back down after each flight.

At mom's funeral I didn't even cry. I stayed hidden in the back where no one could see me. I could see Billy from afar, his crocodile tears gaining attention from all the on-goers as I stood alone in the midst. It was the first time I had seen him since I left the house and my legs felt like lead, unable to move from the spot I was standing. I was a 6 year old girl again, frantically pulling at my sleeves, looking everywhere but at him. My heart started pounding so hard I thought it was going to burst right there in the open. I couldn't breathe as I turned away and fell to the ground. That's when I saw him, his wings spread open, always knowing when I needed him. This time we stayed at the cemetery as I looked down and watched myself throw a rose on the casket when everyone had left. Please, how about now? We can go together, we can go anywhere we want. But alas, he brought me back down and I had to go on.

I drank too much and don't remember how I got back to the house. I hadn't been here in over a decade, when I left I swore I would never come back. There I saw him, through the window, laying asleep on the couch as if nothing happened. He took the house, my mother, and my childhood. He took my innocence and I couldn't find myself after that. I couldn't stop my body from shaking as I turned and grabbed the keys to the old car, still hanging in their same place in the shed, as if time stood still here. This old car, the one that we drove during family trips, in which he would test me on my spelling words, where he told me he would always be there for me; the car that I dreaded to be alone in with him. I took it and drove in the darkness as fast as I could. Tears blurred my vision as I put the high beams on and sobbed while pushing harder on the gas pedal. All the way up in the middle of the road, waiting for me, was the owl. Beautiful and elegant with his wings spread wide open, he was a majestic creature in the moonlight, a savior of sorts. If there was one constant in my life it was him, the barn owl. He screeched and took me with him. This time he let me stay.