Economic Love

“What’s the matter with you”? “I’m not letting you walk out on me”.

Cindy was furious with Rosar, he was not only walking out on her. He was walking out on everything they had built together.

“Cindy listen, this economy has dwindled our savings to nothing, caused us to place our kids in public school, and destroyed our relationship”. “You should be just as mad if not more as I am.”

Rosar walked over to the sofa and picked up his coat and keys and headed for the door. Cindy stepped in front of him and touched Rosar tenderly. Rosar looked into Cindy’s eyes and

He saw the hurt and pain. Most of the pain was caused by the unfulfilled expectations of him as a man and a husband. He couldn’t stand the guilt he felt. Rosar blamed himself for everything they were going through. He felt he should have protected his wife by making better decisions. Now he had to make it right, but he had to do it alone.

“I have to make things right by you and the kids.”

Rosar tried to head for the door but Cindy sidestepped again to cut him off.

“You don’t have to leave to make things right.” “We are stronger together than we are apart.”

Rosar moves to the side to get around Cindy. She puts her hand on his chest to stop him.

“Please Rosar, don’t…

Cindy’s words are broken by her heart screaming from the pain of Rosar leaving her. He’d always threatened to leave when they were having a nasty argument. She never thought that he would actually do it and thought it was best for them. Cindy placed her other hand on his chest to stop him once more.

“Please Rosar, don’t do this.”

The tears in Cindy’s eyes were pooling and her vision became blurred. Somehow she managed not to blink.

Rosar grabbed her hands and kissed them. He let his lips linger longer as he inhaled the smell of the hand lotion he picked out for her on Valentine's Day three years ago. He loved that scent on her. It seems as if it were made for her and only her. He fought the urge to take her into the bedroom one last time before he left.

Rosar kept replaying in his mind why he knew this was the right thing to do. He wanted to go away from where they were living and explore options of a life they can build for themselves somewhere else. He knew he couldn’t drag Cindy and the kids along. It could be somewhat of a wild goose chase to find contentment for his family. Living in Florida, the cost of living was so high. They used to could make all ends meet and then some with his full-time job and the part-time job. But it just wasn’t enough anymore. He watched as Cindy came home tired every night from working two jobs to help keep their family barely above water. Rosar did some extra jobs here and there but nothing that would pull them out of the red. The last straw was when he had to withdraw their sons from the school they loved and put them in public schools. He secretly cried that night while Cindy and the kids slept.

Rosar rolled Cindy’s hands around in his.

“When I first laid eyes on you eleven years ago”. Rosar paused to look at his beautiful wife. She didn’t look a day over 20. Her hair was resting on her forehead in a sexy curl, the rest dropped down just before her shoulders. She was of medium build and just the right 5’6 proportion for his 6-foot muscular frame. He loved to pick up her during their lovemaking. It made him feel strong yet vulnerable to the love he needed from his wife and she would give it freely to him.

“You were ambitious and had a fight for life I’ve never seen in anyone before. You’ve brought that fight into our marriage and I am thankful for that. I’m not giving up on us, but just trying to make a better life for us". Rosar walks Cindy over to the couch and before he sits her down he stands and holds her.

It felt like an eternity standing there as Cindy wept in his arms. She always felt so warm and inviting when in his arms. She had a tough exterior to some but in their little world. She needed protection, protection from him.

Through this whole conversation, Cindy was thinking how did their marriage get to this point? The beginning was hard, harder than the present state, but they have always been able to get through life situations together. Who was she going to have to lean on now? Who was going to encourage her when she felt the weight of kids and life bearing down on her?

“I promise Cindy, I will send money to you and the kids every two weeks”. Rosar’s voice broke her thoughts. “Baby please, you are making this hard on me. Cindy lifted her head to stare into Rosar's eyes with a burning gaze. She wanted to spit words of hurt, but that would only damage the situation further. Cindy pushed her hair away from her face and tucked a stray strand behind her ear. She took a seat on the sofa and Rosar followed her. They gazed at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Despite her feelings at the time, Cindy kissed Roar on the lips and stood up from the sofa. Keeping her face soft and emotionless was hard when she was feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, and alone. “Go” she whispered. Rosar tried to speak but Cindy cupped his chin gently. “Go, please”. Rosar sensed the defeat in her voice and decided not to plead with her understanding his reason anymore. He leaned in to kiss her once more on the lips but Cindy offered her cheek. She immediately regretted her decision. She didn’t know if this would be the last time she would have the chance to kiss his lips. Maybe if she had he would be in the bedroom right now unpacking his bags. “I love you, Cindy”. Then she heard the click of the lock on the door. It sounded like a delayed gunshot that pierced her in her heart. Tears started to burn her eyes from staring at the door.

“Open. she said in a whisper. Please open and come back". Cindy walked to the window to see if she could still see Rosar. Surprisingly he was standing outside staring at the house.

Cindy and Rosar’s thoughts were in two different spaces. Rosar wanted to go back in and tell her he was sorry and that he wasn’t leaving her. He was leaving the unpaid bills, and the collection agency threatening his wife’s car repossession. It was frustrating not being able to buy his wife a new pair of shoes or a steak dinner. She always said it was fine and that they would make it to that point one day. But he could see the embarrassment in her eyes when her friends asked her to go out and she couldn’t go. Then there are the kids. He had to go.

Cindy's thoughts were of happier times when they said to each other they would never be separated. She remembered specifically his vow of protection and always being a provider. Then they lost a few things along the way and that turned their lives upside down

Waking up to the bright Sunshine was like a cold shower after Hurricane Katrina. Cindy didn’t know what time or what day it was because she had spent the rest of the afternoon delirious after Rosar left. Reaching for her cellphone she checked the time and the date. “June 10th, 11 am, so I’ve been sleeping for two days. She groaned. I need to call the kids. The kids, Cindy thought. What about the kids? How was she going to tell the kids? She had the brightest kids in America. Tryce and Bryce were a gift to her from her late husband Thomas, which was Rosar’s third cousin. Thomas’s Uncle adopted Rosar when he married his mother. Thomas wanted to name the boys Trike and Brike but after some teasing, and reassurance he saw that Tryce and Bryce would be suitable names. When Thomas died in a motorcycle accident Rosar was there. They were fixing on bikes and somehow one fell on Thomas from the lift. Rosar followed all the rescue steps because he was studying to be a Paramedic. They rushed him to the hospital but after a couple of days and two surgeries, his internal injuries were too great. The boys were just 2 years old at the time and they had been married for three years.

Cindy had met Rosar a few times but it wasn’t until 1 year after the accident that they had a connection. Family and friends rallied around her for a couple of months, but Rosar kept coming by when everyone else was gone. He would take the boys out and spend time with them. He’d tell them stories about him and their dad. The boys absolutely adored Rosar. One day while the boys were at their grandmother's house Rosar asked Cindy out on a date. After a few months of dating, Rosar asked if the family would have a problem with him marrying Cindy. They thought it was a great idea because the boys already had a relationship with him and he was the man the boys needed to look up to. Cindy and Rosar were married two years after Thomas’s death. Now the boys were eight and thought of Rosar as their Dad.

“They are going to think their mother threw them away”. Cindy dialed the number and hit the speakerphone option on her cell. The ringing sound was annoying at first but then the sweet voice on the other end made her force a smile.

“Hey, mama.” It was Tryce, the older of her twins and a true momma’s boy. In a good way. Trice was very protective of his Mothers heart and could detect if she wasn’t feeling well. Cindy had to play down the situation in her voice as much as possible so that Tryce wouldn’t worry.

“What are you guys up to today”?

“First of all, no disrespect, but how are you doing Mama"? Tryce cut in on his own agenda.

"I’m well". Cindy sat up in the bed to adjust and brace herself for Tryce’s wrath.

“You don’t sound good and you didn’t call us yesterday”. Cindy let out a sigh.

“I just woke up and Daddy brought you a phone so that you could call me”. Why didn’t you call me? Convicted Tryce answered Cindy’s question.

“Yesterday we were at the dodge ball tournament with Uncle Free. Today Bryce and I are going to practice chess with Grandpa". Tryce had excitement in his voice. He loved to spend the summers with Thomas’s brothers and parents.

“That sounds like a lot of fun. How does Bryce feel about learning chess"? Bryce, Cindy’s youngest twin was all about the adventure.

“Grandpa told him we could go to the racetrack to check out the new go-carts, after we finished our lessons in chess". Cindy chuckled. “That sounds like a bargain he can’t refuse”. “Where is he now”?

“Bryce went to the store with Grandma. They should be back in a few minutes".

“Well, I guess I will have to talk to him later.” Is there anything else you want to say before I hang up"?

Tryce was silent for a while before he spoke. “I love you and so does Bryce.” Tears burned the back of Cindy’s eyes and she rushed to finish the conversation with Tryce. Cindy was glad the boys would be gone for a couple of weeks. Maybe she will have a better handle on the situation between her and Rosar. She knew she had to find a way to get her family back together. If Thomas’s parent hears about this they would want the boys to stay clear until a resolution is found. Cindy rolled onto her back and began to pray.

RING! RING! RING!

A faint sound interrupted Cindy’s deep sleep, she felt around on her bed for the phone. It fell to the floor with a loud crash. Oh no, what if it’s Rosar! She leaped up frantically falling from the bed searching for the phone as if it’s her last hope for air. She finds it and tries to piece it back together, but it stopped ringing.

SHAAAAZAH!

She screamed, then breaks out into a hysterical laugh. Cindy remembers her goofy conversations with Rosar about replacement words of frustration. Just as quick as she laughed she then sobbed uncontrollably. Cindy wasn’t just frustrated, but angry, disappointed, and embarrassed. Embarrassed about what others would say. You have finally gone over the edge Cindy. Her thoughts were beginning to get the best of her. Cindy decided she needed to talk to someone.

Dr. Michelle Freeze’s office was always a serene place to visit. Somehow it relaxed Cindy whenever she stepped into the office. It was like yesterday she could remember dragging herself into this office to talk about Thomas’s death. Cindy blew a breath of anxiousness and exhaustion. She knew this was going to be intense, but had faith in Dr. Freeze’s methods of pulling out the emotion that cause the frustration and pain. Cindy just wished Rosar were here with her. She wished she’d said something more to him before he walked out on their family.