Eavesdropping
Chapter Thirteen: Dear Society, Can I Be Pretty Too?
I situated myself more comfortably on the top stair. Every little detail was being spoken above my head, and as much as it wasn't my business, it was luring like the trailer of a movie. Below me was a fright of past memories that were knives to my skin.
It's selfish, but I chose eavesdropping for my own relaxation. I'm sure something would have moved me not to listen if I was in good mind. I stand by that.
"You better have me on speaker! We made that promise, remember?" Connie demanded through the phone. I recalled that the times Carmine would speak to his mother, she was on speaker. It never occurred to me that they made that kind of promise. I've never heard anything like it before.
Not that I'm one to be able to say there's a lot I heard before.
"I do! I do! Jeez, Mom. I haven't broken that promise. I'm not the kind of person that breaks promises." He defended himself right back at her. By the slight shift in the floor I could tell that from his position laying into the carpet, he shot himself back to sit up out of the emphasis of his response.
"Good. I'm glad that hasn't changed. You remember the reason we made that deal in the first place, right?"
Carmine hummed the intro to a song to seal his irritation before he could bring himself to answer. "Yes. The conversation is more casual and true when my hands are off the phone." He sighed, allowing peace back inside of his body. "It's so the conversation is freely spoken."
"Nice. That's right. Because you're a little idiot that forgets you're talking to a human when you talk on the phone. Speaker helps you, dork. Especially if you want to initiate the conversation, then you have to make me want to listen to you. Don't be so emotionless of the receiving end."
"Does that mean I can talk now?" Carmine whined. He was used to his mom saying this when he called her, and it was another repeat of what he clearly disliked. If he waited to be alone to talk to her, it must be important.
I'm so messed up to be sitting here, listening, but I can't get myself away.
"Sure. What is it this time, Carms?" Connie was affected by Carmine's impatience, but she didn't mention it.
"It's about a girl." He answered. My entire body went numb, but it was 50-50 in a good and a bad way. Part of me was always hopeful, but the other was realistic. Those things don't mix well. My brain doesn't know how to think anymore when it comes down to that. If I couldn't leave the scene before, I definitely couldn't now.
"A girl?" Connie intended to draw him out some more. To elaborate on what he meant.
"Yeah, that's what I said. A girl." His hesitant approach to it the first time was completely forgotten this time around. It couldn't be misheard. "She drove me crazy when I first met her. Not a normal kind of crazy, but an up the walls kind of crazy. Yet somehow? Now? When she's too far away, even if we're sitting in the same room, but she's not next to me, its like I lose the only part of myself that I like. She's part of me now, and she's the only part of myself that I'm proud of."
"That's not a shocker, Carms. You probably loved her all along." Connie didn't have to think to answer him. It's as if she knew the topic like the roads of her hometown, by her own experience. I took a deep breath. The topic of love always churned my stomach. "After all, sometimes the one you think you hate you actually love the most. It just started to dwell on you what your feelings really are."
"Maybe." I knew he had to be doing that thing he did when he heard something he didn't know how to react to; it was some sort of shrug but with only one of his shoulders. He paused before he spoke, having no choice but to take in what his mom had told him. "But I'm a terrible person, Mom! I told her I didn't love her even when every centimeter of my body knows that it does. I mean, I didn't say it, but I know she read my eyes with no trouble. I'm too afraid to love her. After dad died-."
I nearly fell straight down the stairs when he said the last part. I've never met his father, but I didn't assume that he died. Carmine is from abroad so there's so many possibilities of where he could've been. Maybe he wanted to be near to Carmine for a while. I never chose to ask about it, but there's so many things I just assumed, and death wasn't one of them. It wouldn't have ever been, if I didn't overhear.
"If this is about how miserable I became when your dad died then you need to stop thinking about th-."
"It is, but it's not just that either. Love seems so overrated I can't bring myself to be open about it. In the movies, even the one I'm in right now, and in the books, the authors and the writers make it look like it's such a fascinating thing to experience. That it's alright in the end, but it's not true. Eventually, all the effort goes to waste." Carmine didn't let his mom finish. The further he got into the conversation, the faster he talked, and if he's anything like me, he does that so it's all said before we're able to regret it.
"But here's where you're wrong at, Carms." Her voice was soothing in response, even though he was calling him out for how his opinion would differ from hers. "Why are you thinking about how that love is going to affect you in the future? Why don't you think about what's here and what's now?"
"You don't understand. It's not that simple. It's too dangerou-."
It was Connie's turn to not allow him to finish. "Yeah. Love is definitely a dangerous thing. In every relationship you will find, something about it will be dangerous. But you can't sit around and wait for it to be easy. It's not gonna happen. You have to be by her side when it's difficult." She inhaled deeply. The profound wisdom behind her words brought a sting to my insides. "I know the movies make it look like love is always such a pretty thing, and you're right, it's not. But you can't spend all your time hoping it'll get better or different, because then you'll never know. You never tried. And even though you haven't pursued anything, you shatter your heart in pieces. If you want to make it worth it you have to do something."
Carmine couldn't answer. A painful silence hurt my ears more than screams ever could, but that had to mean it was so much worse for him. He had to feel that kind of pain too, to a higher degree.
Connie waited for the words to get to him before she spoke up again. "Carms. What is it you see in this girl? Why is she different than any one else?"
"Well, she," Ease came back to his mind to talk about the girl of his dreams. That tearful and hurting heart wasn't as stuck to how he talked. He started to see the sunshine in the rain because of that sort of question.
"She's my complete opposite. When I'm up in the earliest of mornings, she was up to gaze at the stars and appreciate what night has to offer. She's adventurous and wild when she's able to be, but I'm cautious and don't take those chances even if they come up and I wish I could. I've always lived by the rules I'm expected to live by, but she's more daring and out there, at the right times. Yet somehow despite that, I'm more of the confident one and she's shy. We're as different as heaven is from hell, as holiness is from wrongdoing, but some part of me finds that she can make me happy."
"Then what's stopping you?" His mom yawned on the other end of the line. The late night was starting to get to her, but she didn't fail to be a listening ear for her son.
"Because even though she can make me happy I'm the most toxic person that'd ever be part of her life." His voice was croaky and low. I wanted to say that it's because the late night was getting to him too, but I'm nearly certain that he's crying. Carmine has a sensitive side that he doesn't like to show, or that's what it seemed like. "And it's not something that I can work to change. If I could, I really would. I'd change because I know no one else could hold her heart as much as she deserved and I'd have to become better to properly take it on. But we're born on opposite sides of life and could never be meant to be."
"Who are you talking about anyway, Carms? Is it Nica or Arizona?" My chest pained after hearing my name like it'd been struck by lightning and electrocuted, but it could come out of her mouth without an extra wonder. She didn't have to hold anything back.
Carmine didn't answer for a good few minutes, but it felt like a quiet that lasted hours. I wished I could see the look on his face; if it was full of disappointment or happiness when he thought about whoever that "her" was, but there's no way I'd be stupid enough to perk up just for that. That'd ruin everything between us, especially after all that's happened between us just today. What we do have will crumble.
He cleared his throat, his voice later full of certainty and not an ounce of doubt. "What kind of question is that? Of course it's Nica."
The original 50-50 of numb hope and realism in my body was covered by realism and only realism. The answer I was begging for didn't come, and I had to take on the truth for what it was. We're the forbidden love of land and sea. The two could never mix, no matter what. Sand would always sink, and whether the sea cared or not, it wouldn't make a difference. It would never work.
Never in a thousand years and more.
Never in an eternity.
---
"Rough night?" Carmine had brought up the section of his carpet that came up by its tiny hook. It's creak is what woke me up, passed out on the top of the stairs, more than him trying to joke his way into getting my attention. My back ached because of my sleeping position that lasted who knows how long, and the light of the upper floor was blinding, I had to squint. "Did you pass out on the stairs? You know there's a perfectly comfortable mattress at the bottom of them, right?"
"Don't even get me started." I tried to kid around back at him with my morning voice, even after what I overheard and the barricade of memories that took over so I wouldn't be tempted to mention it. I stretched to get the sore and agony out of my back, like an iron would to a wrinkle, but it didn't do much. With that, I got myself up to my feet and stepped back into the main floor. "When do you have to be on set?"
"Super soon. I overslept. We should get ready. We'll be late." The doorbell rang as he talked, and the fear that wrote itself on his face was proof he wasn't expecting anyone. He had his hand on my shoulder to be ready to signal me if the person separated by just his door was a threat to me and I had to head back down. "Who is it?" He shouted.
"Don't worry. It's me." A woman's voice shouted back. Carmine was relieved, but I didn't recognize her fully until she jiggled a key into the doorknob and came in. I put up too heavy of a guard when I barely know anybody on the planet and I was reluctant to match her sound with someone's, but when it comes to Carmine, he always knows his mom. That's why he wasn't afraid. Connie was here. Not a stranger.
"Mom." He greeted her, rubbing the back of his neck. The conversation I overheard last night made him shy when she approached. Maybe he doesn't show his vulnerable side to his mom that much either. "Nice to see you and no offense, but what are you doing here?"
"I got fired. That's what. So now I have time to accompany Arizona." She said. She didn't sound like she cared very much. Carmine tried to say something, but every variation got caught at his tongue. She went on before he could get anything out. "I think it's better for today. Her face is kinda out there on the media, and the officials won't show up at your house everyday. I know their patterns. They'll try to show up when you least expect it. Few days from now at the minimum. So you go to the set. I'll accompany her just in case."
"Shyet. I haven't properly apologized for getting you fired. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done the scan on her." Carmine wouldn't look up. He inspected the floor, his bare feet, or anything as long as it didn't risk skimming eye contact with her.
She hit him on the back of the head. "Don't apologize turd. That's not your fault." I can see where Carmine gets that part of his attitude from. "It would've happened someway or another. Any person working for the government, breaking a law that shouldn't exist and that I don't believe in would taste that kind of wrath. Stop being a baby. Now shoo. I didn't raise an unpunctual son."
"Alright. As you say. I'll be going." He ran up to the second floor for a quick change, and he was back down before I could count. A jacket, balanced on his finger over his shoulder was all he grabbed as he was heading to the door. Wow. The power of men is insulting. Imagine leaving looking like a king without trying. "Bye Mom. Bye Kansas."
I rolled my eyes. Connie caught me, and for a split second I thought I made a mistake, but she started to laugh. Her lips were positioned in a thin line, as she waited for the door to shut. Once she heard the sound of it closing, she opened her mouth. "Thank God. Now we can talk behind his back."
I let out an insecure giggle, but besides that I didn't talk, and she didn't add anything. It's been a while since I've been alone with Connie, and it wasn't one on one for very long. She introduced me to Carmine pretty fast.
It was residing within me that I barely knew her at all. She was a funny person and extremely down to earth, I could tell from her one phrase, and I had so many questions for her, but I didn't know how to say them.
"Mrs. Jung?" I asked. Yes, I didn't know how to say them, but oh- did I badly want to try. There was a lump in my throat when I began, but I wanted to know. I needed to know.
"Please, call me Connie." The woman finally decided to take a seat, crossing one of her legs over the other one. "Honestly the real reason I came here is because I wanted to talk to you. Did you have something you wanted to tell me too? Go on ahead first."
"Ahm, okay. Why-?" My lip quivered when I tried to finish my sentence but got stuck at its beginning. She raised her eyebrow, not in a judgmental way, but one that made it obvious she was willing to listen. "Why did you let me live? Why would you let a girl like me live?"
"What do you mean girl like you?" The smile on her face faded a little bit, out of worry and concern, yet there was still something dazzling about it, and captivating. "You mean because you're not at the 100-rank? Looks shouldn't mean everything even if the world is trying to make it that way. That's one of the worst judgements to ever be made."
"But that's the thing. The world is trying to make it that way. They already have really, haven't they? That's why I've been in hiding for my entire life." I groaned, and cleared my voice so I wouldn't let out tears. "Nobody has seen the real me and I already know they look down on me."
"But here's another thing." Connie stared into my features, as if to study them. Last time she saw me, I was covered in rain and shivering in front of her. I ended up with mud smeared all over my cheeks, but she helped me when I was helpless. Here I was, more cleaned up, yet still far from reaching the standards. With the way she eyed me though, I didn't feel useless or invaluable. Even if I wasn't everything. I was something. "People are quick to judge. That's why this stupid law was made in the first place. But it's pretty childish in the end. You shouldn't let yourself be broken down because you're different. I know that's easier said than done but-."
I placed my hand on top of hers, and she slowed her speech into nothing. That's what I wanted, because I knew if she'd continue I would definitely break down. Another hush came over us, but it wasn't near as awkward as the first. This quiet was overall comfortable, and speaking up could be done comfortably too. "Thank you. I'm touched. Really, it means a lot."
"Has Carmine ever told you about his background? Like his father? Or anything like that?" She changed her position, patting the spot next to her to invite me to sit down. When listening to her, I sat on the floor without realizing, and looked up at her like some third grade student did his teacher. I accepted her invite when I noticed it.
"No. He hasn't told me much about him."
She chuckled as she talked, her perfect white teeth making an entrance once again. It was familiar from the first time we met. "He'd kill me if he knew about me telling another about this. I can see him already, saying that this isn't my story to tell." Her laugh intruded her for a moment from going on. "But jokes on him, I'm part of his background and have every right to tell it. He came from me and his father, that crazy kid."
I sat tight with expectations for her to continue without a word on my part. It might piss Carmine off, but I think his mom was right to an extent. She had the right to tell it too, because she's part of that history as well. Besides, I was interested to know what she had to say. I guess that could make my opinion biased.
"Carmine's father died before he was born, but Carmine watched my suffering for years when I mourned his loss. He remembers that so clearly until today, that it makes him hesitant to love or rely on anyone. It makes me wish I hid it better from him."
"There's nothing you could've done different. You have to do what it takes for you to heal. Loss isn't easy. I know that." She gently massaged my shoulder after my reassurance, a small but sad smile on her face. I don't know if I should've dared to ask what was on my mind, but I did it anyway, and if from the future I looked back on it, I probably still would've done it, even though it's probably too inconsiderate. "Forgive me if I'm crossing a line, but can I ask how he died? What happened to him? If it was before Carmine was born he must've been very young."
"You're not crossing a line. We've been through similar traumas anyway. We're on the same boat. And yes, he was young. He was around Carmine's age now." She swallowed. Her talking speed was gradually slowing. "He was slashed at his throat by officials sent by the government in the forest by the river."
I gasped. The death of my parents was tugging at me again, and she seemed to know more about it than I thought. She did work for the government, so I shouldn't be too shocked, but even so, she seemed to know a lot more than I assumed. "From the government? There's no way he was a criminal though? Was he framed for something he didn't do?"
Connie shook her head. Her dark, thick hair was tucked behind her ears after strands fell into her face from the movement. "No, no. It's nothing like that. The forest-punishments are only for one type of people. The ones under 100." She replied. Her feet softly kicked against the feet of the couch, one at a time, as she attempted to choke out the soul-stirring words in her head.
"Carmine's father was a 55er like both your parents were."
About the Creator
Shyne Kamahalan
writing attempt-er + mystery/thriller enthusiast
that pretty much sums up my entire life
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.