Eat the cake

Clara arrived early at the café, she always did but it didn’t matter. She would wander around the attached farm shop, as always, she was drawn to the deli counter where cheeses, meats, pies, pastries, cakes and macaroons were displayed temptingly.

She wouldn’t buy anything now but perhaps as a reward for getting through her family lunch she could come back. She looked at the white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake, the black forest roulade, the treacle tart. Someone knocked into her and she apologized. She moved closer to the counter trying to move out of the way, feeling self-conscious. A young girl behind the counter offered to help her, Clara couldn’t tell if it was pity or disgust in her eyes, she shook her head and muttered “maybe later”. The girl retreated to her colleague and they laughed. Clara took out her phone and moved away. It was time.

When Clara made it back to the entrance of the café the queue outside was huge. Clara moved past them knowing that her mother had booked a table. She heard muttering behind her and someone snapped at her telling her there was a queue. When she got to the front, she saw her family were already sat, her 2 brothers, their wives and kids, her sister and fiancé, mum, dad and gran. The hostess looked at her mother who was stood up and waving at her.

“I guess you’re with them.”

Clara smiled tightly and nodded knowing the hassle it was going to be to get to them in the centre of the room. Why hadn’t her mum asked for a side table. As Clara made her way through the room it felt like the whole room was watching her. Her skin prickled as people moved and shuffled out of her way or pretended they didn’t see her so then she’d have to say excuse me. By the time she reached the table she felt hot, embarrassed and wanted to crawl into a hole and never leaving it again. Her dad helped her settle at the table.

“Clara, why didn’t you get here earlier before it was busy?” Her mother asked

“Yeah piglet, we saw your car outside when we got here.” Her brother Andy said.

“I needed the bathroom.” Clara lied. “Happy Birthday Gran.”

Her grandmother looked at her before quickly returning to her conversation with Mya about her upcoming wedding. Mya’s fiancé James looked uncomfortable, whether it was the wedding conversation or having to deal with the family. James was an only child from a single parent family and always looked like he was seconds away from running out the door at any family event.

The waitress came over and took everyone’s food order. Poppy, Will’s wife ordered fish and chips before grinning and saying well I am eating for two. Everyone cooed and made delighted noises. The poor waitress stood awkwardly until things calmed down. Mya and Maddie, Andy’s wife, both order chicken Ceaser salad no dressing or croutons. Mya was watching her weight pre wedding and Maddie self-consciously explained she still had a few post pregnancy pounds to drop. The men all order full English or pie and mash. No one expected them to watch their weight. When it came to Clara’s turn she ordered water, green tea and a club sandwich. Her mum frowned and sucked in her breath. When the waitress left, she asked Clara if she really needed all those carbs. Clara had actually wanted a raspberry milkshake, a full fat coke and the creamy pesto pasta special, but wisely said nothing.

Mya turned the attention back to her by saying she’d decided to not have any adult bridesmaids because it would be weird if she had Maddie, Poppy and Clara all in the same dresses. So, she was going to have Rose and Jade, Andy and Maddie’s daughters.

What Clara heard was Mya didn’t want her there, ruining too many photos. Which was fine she hated being photographed anyway, she was definitely getting cake after this, maybe a bottle of wine too.

When the waitress bought her drinks, Clara awkwardly reached for her bag but it was hung on the back of her chair. Her dad saw this and got it for her.

“There you go, piglet.”

“Thanks, dad.”

He patted her head fondly. Will spotted her fumbling in her bag, as Clara grasped the pill bottles in the bottom of her bag, she shook out 2 of each.

“Are you still taking those?” Will asked.

Clara swallowed the pills with a gulp of water before reply. “Yes.”

“Has your doctor reviewed them recently? Do you want me to have a word with them?”

Clara gritted her teeth. “No Will it’s fine Dr Stone knows what she’s doing.”

Will hmphed to himself, but turned back to the main conversation. Clara basically switched off and stared into space until the food arrived, sometimes it was the only way to get through family gatherings, especially the last couple of years. When they finished eating the talk turned to desserts. Mum and Gran were just having coffee.

“What are you having for dessert Clara.” Asked James.

“Um.”

“Come on, Piglet you spent the whole meal staring at the display cabinet.” Mya said.

Poppy smiled kindly at her. “Do you want to share one.”

“You won’t get much.” Laughed her mum.

“Sure, what do you fancy.” Clara said attempting to ignore her mother and swallow down the tears she felt rising.

“Are you and Maddie going to share one, Mya?” Asked her dad trying to smooth the atmosphere that was starting to build.

Mya and Maddie looked at one another. Clara wanted to scream ‘eat the cake order all the fucking desserts it doesn’t matter.’ Who are you really trying to lose the weight for? One day of your life where you will wear a dress so tight you can barely sit in it. Or for the other mums at the school gate who all drink skinny lattes, while buying clothes that give them curves that aren’t actually there because of society’s expectations. Why was it okay for men to put on weight and have #dadbods but women had to have a baby and return to their pre baby body. What was wrong with middle age spread and muffin tops. Why was the world designed for skinny women, when the average women was size 16. If you were happy with your body what did it matter. Why did no one believe you could be happy at size 16, 18, 20, 22. Why did no one believe that a women could be sexy if she was soft and curvy with natural boobs that came from having flesh on their bones and enjoying a bloody good cake.

But as usual Clara said nothing, she realised she’d been in her head too long. Her mother and Mya were planning a shopping trip for the three of them to get Mya approved outfits for the wedding. God help her what would Mya approve for her to wear. She’d probably get stuck in some high-necked matronly gown that covers everything.

The desserts arrived and Poppy had ordered a fruit tart for them to share, no cream or ice cream. It was the saddest excuse for a dessert apart from maybe fruit salad. Poppy picked a piece of strawberry and kiwi off the top before looking at the other women sipping their teas and coffees, ignoring the petit fours that came with them. Clara had a mouth of pastry and a strawberry deciding it wasn’t worth it. She looked at the homemade truffles that came with the hot drinks and wondered if she could slip one or two in her bag to enjoy later at home., but no the men were eating them. Poppy and Maddie were discussing a pregnancy Pilates and yoga class, so you can stay toned. Mya, gran and mum were talking about bows for chairs. Andy and Dad were drooling over a car Andy was thinking of buying. Will and James were going over some rugby match they’d watched together.

When the waitress bought the bill the men made the usual attempt to be the fastest to put their card down but Gran got them all by claiming she was getting lunch as she didn’t get to see any of them often enough and as she would die soon it would be her treat.

As they all started getting their stuff together. Her dad came over to Clara bent down to help her. He slipped £10 into her hand and whispered, “Get the cake Clara, you only live once.”

The café was far easier to maneuverer across now it was emptier. Andy and Will both offered to help her but she declined, she could manage.

When she reached the deli counter, she decided she would order 2 savoury items and 2 sweet items so then hopefully the server would think she wasn’t some lonely fat person. It took a while to get served but then people’s eyes often seemed to slip past her. Twice she was bumped and she apologised. When the same girl from earlier asked her what she wanted, she asked for:

“2 Ham hock and Pea pies please and a slice of the cheesecake and a slice of the death by chocolate cake please.”

Once her order was complete and she’d paid for it. She made her way out to the car park. As she approached her car, she saw something under her windscreen wiper. It took some effort but she managed to get hold of the paper. She unfolded it thinking it was some sort of flyer. Written in large block capitals was:

FAT IS NOT A DISABILITY

Clara felt the tears rolling down her face as she struggled to transfer from her chair to the car. She dropped her shopping unable to reach it, she left it there. Once she got her wheelchair in the car, she reversed out of the disabled space going over the bag of food. The chocolate cake squished out the bag leaving a brown sticky mess, but Clara could barely see it. As she pulled out of the car park tears still streaming down her face.

The worse thing was Clara had always been the type to diet and stay skinny before the accident. The girl who had salad and accused Mya of stretching out her tops when she borrowed them. After the accident, losing her fiancé and hearing how she would never live a ‘normal’ life again, she had eaten her pain and grief. Unable to exercise easily and becoming depressed, food had been her comfort and she had ballooned from an 8 to a 22. At first her family had been understanding but now nearly 5 years later they didn’t understand she was still in pain, physical and emotional. Every day she woke up and remembered everything she’d lost.

So yes, she would eat the damn cake.