"Dreams Never Die"

Our idea of an exciting date was to take the train into the city and spend the day going to museums together. We’d go for hours, barely saying a word to one another. Tom was someone you could be silent with, and when he spoke, it was because he really had something to say.

He told me he had always wanted to be an actor. He dreamed of being on the A-List in Hollywood, and in major movies. He moved to Los Angeles–the city of angels-when he was in his twenties and came back to our small city when he ran out of money, only 3 months later. Still, he promised himself he would save the money from his bartending job and would try again in a year’s time but then he met me and decided to stay.

Tonight, he says, he has a confession to make.

We are sitting at our favorite Italian restaurant, the one with the stark white tablecloths and unlimited “to die for” garlic bread sticks. I’m sipping a glass of sparkling water with a thin slice of lemon; he’s drinking dark red wine. It’s his second glass, but I’m not judging. We’ll be walking back to the hotel; no one is driving. I’ll keep him upright and not falling over, if I need to.

“I still want to go out there and try to make it,” he said.

I swallowed, feeling a tinge of guilt. Why is it that he is telling me this now? We are both nearing our 50s. We have three children. Sure, they’re all out of the house, Matt’s in his last year of college. But, why in the world would he decide to tell me this now? Maybe we can talk about his later, I said.

“Why now, Tom? Why now at 49?”

Aren’t the older actors referred to as… ‘silver foxes?'

The original James Bond: Sean Connery. Harrison Ford. Richard Gere. Didn’t they age well? Well, yeah… they sure did. Ford and Gere are still alive, and the late Mr. Connery—the BEST James Bond in my opinion-- was handsome. My mom had the HUGEST crush on him anyway.

My Tom is handsome, with blue eyes, crow’s feet which nicely frame his eyes, “smiles around the eyes,” smooth Scotch-Irish skin, a dimple in his chin. I’ve always admired the way Tom looks, and he has aged well.

And, as if he is reading my thoughts, he smiles. That bright toothy, slightly crooked smile I fell in love with.

“Why are you telling me this now? I said, then took a long sip of my water. “Being a doctor was your second dream?!”

“Oh, no. No. I love being a doctor. I just –acting was my dream when I was younger.”

I swallow the water that I’ve been swirling around my mouth. And exhale.

“That said, Debbie, he continues., “it was a big dream–a huge dream– remember I started out at theater college.”

I nodded my head. “I remember.”

His parents told me at one point they thought he just needed to get that “acting bug” out of his system. Let him take a few acting classes and decide it’s not for him.

The plan worked.

He’d only attended for one year when he announced he’d rather try for pre-med. Maybe he’d finally grown out of his Hollywood dream. Who at some point hasn’t had a dream to take part in the entertainment industry?

“But Mel Robbins– you know the self-help guru?” he continued.

“Yup, know her.” Tom likes to watch her show while riding his Peloton bike. He tunes in to YouTube and catches each of her podcasts while he sweats. The kids think this is the funniest thing ever.

“She said the dream you have had since your 20s… once you tell yourself you’re going to do, you must do it. Or it will haunt you.

Are you haunted? I want to ask, but that’s a rhetorical question, obviously. Why else would he bring it up?

Another sip of water. Deep breath. Count to five. (Didn’t Mel Robbins suggest that, too?)

“So, what do you want to do, Tom?”

“Not sure, Deb. Maybe read a book on acting. Take a course. Try out for local theater .”

That’s a good start. I support that.

“Can we go to Los Angeles for our next anniversary?”

I laugh. “Ok. Sure.”

Our first course arrives, 2 bowls of green salad, a bowl of Antipasto to share. A fresh basket of breadsticks. My water is refilled.

“More wine for you, sir?”

“Oh, yes! Please and thank you!”, Tom said.

I’ll be walking him back home tonight, for sure.