Dragonmerde

There weren't always dragons in the Valley; it used to be a peaceful, well regulated place. Oh yes, unicorn scat and pixie dust were a bit of a problem (pixie dust does get into every crevice), but nothing to compare to the great piles of dragon poo littering the fields and byways. Why Farmer John lost an entire field of potatoes, buried under a great flap of dragon dung. And it's a shame dragon scat has no fertilizing properties, it hardens to stone and blights everything around it for several meters.

*Dragons are too stupid to use a litter box*

"Now Hermione, dragons aren't stupid, they are just different."

*Pshawerr* The fa...fluffy orange cat replied.

Wisewoman Nan sighed. Cats are so judgemental.

"Time to tend the animals." Allowing the sheep time to graze was becoming a problem as dragons have no concept of boundaries or property. One of her old ewes was picked off just last week. Poor Rose was too slow when the dragons appeared. She missed the old girl. Sheep do not communicate well, all she could sense from them is *food* or *danger*, but they are good company. There is nothing more relaxing than a sheep or two chewing their cud nearby while she was spinning their wool. Chickens are even less communicative, not one coherent thought in their feathered little heads. Dogs and cats are much easier to understand. Kienan leapt to his feet, wagging furiously, eager to join her. Hermione stuck her tail in the air and padded to her cushion by the hearth. Kienan, a small rough coated sheepdog, ran circles around Nan on her way to the door, "Dog! Stop! You will be the death of me". He skinned his ears back and scurried to her side, momentarily subdued.

Nan, cautiously opened the door to the cottage...no shadows from overhead...Kienan burst from the door barking ferociously then stopped stiff legged and sniffed the air. He bounced and wagged his way back to her. *No dragons, all clear* "Thank you love, but I could already see that" Nan replied. He dashed away to sniff a bush and pee, then alerted to the figure approaching her gate.

"Good morning to you Nan"

"Why good morning to you too Mathew."

The councilman drew up his suspenders and lowered his brows, "Something must be done about these pesky dragons! We're having a meeting this evening to discuss the matter, I'm hoping you'll join us?"

"Oh, well, yes, I suppose I could, though I'm afraid I have no notion what can be done with the..er..pesky things"

"Good, good, see you then; 5pm at the village hall." And Councilman Mathew strutted away.

"Oh dear, what can I possibly contribute." Nan mused.

*You are the bestest, most smartest, most kindest...mrph* Nan closed her hand around Kienan's muzzle.

"That will do dog."

**********

The Village Hall

Nan shuffled in through the village hall door, took a seat at the back and pulled out her knitting. The sock was taking an eccentric shape and she couldn't quite figure where it had gone wrong. Tsk, Hermione had been into her knitting bag again, the wretched cat. She was so involved with untangling yarn that she missed the opening statements, but started when she heard her name called.

"Wisewoman Nan, I say, Wisewoman...Nan!"

"Oh! I beg your pardon Councilman. Yes, Mathew?"

The councilman rolled up onto his toes then rocked back onto his heels. "Wisewoman, it has been said that you communicate with other beings? This is true?"

"Oh! Well, no, I wouldn't say I exactly communicate. What I mean to say is....I catch only little bits and pieces you know and only if the beast is willing."

"Ah! But that is much more than any of us can say or do." Nan could see where this was leading.

"Yes, but truly, dragons have no interest in communicating. They don't even recognize us as beings!"

"Nevertheless, something must be done, this situation can not be allowed to continue!" This was Farmer John bellowing.

"Well, but, has anyone asked other burroughs how they have managed their dragon problem?" Nan was sure she did not want to be the one to approach a dragon .

"A delegation from the next valley over suggested offering a virgin to the dragons as a sacrifice." Alderman Nathan interjected.

"Sacrificing virgins! Of all the ridiculous...and pray tell, WHO would be willing to offer themselves up to a dragon? And why a virgin anyway? How could a dragon possibly know or care? AND how is that even a solution to the problem? WHY give the dragons a taste of us? Not a wise move in my opinion." There was silence except for some shuffling of feet and sidewise glances.

"As I thought. Why is it every man's first solution to a problem is to throw some poor woman under a wagon?" Nan fumed, she was feeling a bit dragonlike.

"Ahem, yes, well, we can table this discussion for the moment. There is also the issue of waste management to be addressed. What are we going to do about the current deposits of..er..dragon dung?"

Hal, the county ragpicker, stood up. "What's it worth to you to have that stuff taken away?" There was immediately a hum and a clattering of voices. "There are no funds for dragon waste removal!" and "How are we going to pay for it!" then "NO more taxes!". The meeting degenerated from there with no further meaningful discussion.

**********

Next Morning

The next morning Nan lingered over her brew. Mornings were not her favorite time of day. She leaned against the door jamb and watched the pixies and fairies squabble over blossoms in her garden, their high pitched nattering quite distinct from the whine or buzz of an insect. There were unicorns tra la laing through the meadow, scattering rainbows of morning dew from their hooves. Oh no, the dratted beasts must have knocked her pasture fence down again. Sure enough, the lambs were baaing and gamboling after the rainbow maned menaces.

"Kienan, the sheep are out!"

*Sheep? Where are the sheep? Let me get the sheep!*

"Go out"

*Sheep! sheep! sheep! Wait, what?....No, no, no! Pointy heads!*

"Kienan, away."

*But, pointy heads*

"Kienan, away!"

*But...*

The little dog hesitated, took two steps, stopped, looked over his shoulder then dropped his head and scurried to the other side of the sheep. The sheep turned back to Nan, but then so did the unicorns. Kienan yelped and raced the sheep back to Nan's skirts. Suddenly a great shadow passed overhead and a dragon whooshed and swooped and snapped up one of the unicorns! There was a great deal of blatting, baaing and yelping. Nan may have yelped and blatted a bit herself. The unicorns were in a great fuss and galloped after the dragon who was well away from them with just two beats of his wings.

"Goodness!"

The dragon had been no more than a few meters from her when it made it's pass, way too close. It had an odd odor, a bit like burnt toast. Nan felt pity for the poor unicorn, they are nuisances, but to be eaten by a dragon! The dragon disappeared over a ridge. There was a loud belch and rainbow sparkles shot into the air then slowly drifted to the ground.

**********

Bickering By the Hearth

*...and then the dragon turned tail and flapped away, vanquished by the great and terrible Toonie Dog!*

*In your dreams. What really happened? Stupid dog*

*Well...you are a stoopidhead cat! I'll...I'll bet you would have run away screeching with your tail on fire if you ever saw a dragon! *

"Quiet little ones, no name calling."

*stoopid head*

"Kienan, enough."

Nan sighed. The fence was mended and the flock safely in the shed, but she was resolved that something had to be done about those dreadful dragons and she was afraid that she would have to be the woman for the job.

Chapter Two

Village Hall Again

Nan approached the village council that afternoon. Although she felt that something needed to be done she was not keen to be doing it all on her own. She was met with a decided lack of enthusiasm.

Finally, Nan's niece, Lucy piped up and said she would go. Lucy was restless with adventuring on her mind and anxious to see what was outside the borders of their little village. This placed the young village men at a disadvantage, it was now necessary to prove they had courage and a spirit of adventure. That Lucy is a comely lass may have had something to do with this change of heart. Nan, imagining the bother of several randy young bucks sighing and vying after Lucy, decided that one volunteer was enough. She chose Liam who had the widest shoulders (good for lifting and carrying) and the least amount to say. One more volunteer was needed to balance out the troupe. None of the older men were foolhardy enough to offer. The one who was had a wife not in favor of him becoming a dragon's dinner. In the end, Hal, the county rag picker, agreed to go in exchange for a tidy pile of silver. He would be an asset, the countryside and byways were well known to him.

It was agreed that the adventurers would gather in the morning to set off on their quest. Farmer John offered to look after Nan's garden, flock and hens whilst she was away, as long as "they didn't dilly dally until harvest time". He could not abide cats however which presented a problem. Hermione not being an adventurous sort, Nan could foresee difficulties ahead. Kienan would of course be joining them. He would never consent to stay home if Hermione was going. Such a jealous little fellow.

**********

The practicalities of planning a trip were causing Nan concern. Tramping through the hills was outside her inclination or experience. She needed to pack food, water, utensils, clothing, bedding and some sort of protection for inclement weather. Let's see, oh yes, she would need her ointments, herbs and dressings. Someone was sure to fall ill or injured at the most inconvenient time and place.

The resulting mountain of absolute necessities was alarming. She had neither horse nor wagon and doubted she could fit it all into her wheelbarrow. Then Hal pulled up with his donkey and cart. He did not take kindly to Nan's really most reasonable request that he lighten his load. There was no need at all for the all the bits and bobs he'd crammed into his modest little wagon. The donkey stood hipshot with his head drooping. Nan tried a gentle query, but sensed only a sullen grumble from the beast. Lucy arrived with great verve and gusto and in trousers! Nan didn't know what to think of the rusty old sword Lucy had strapped to her side.

"Really Lucy dear, do you think carrying a weapon is wise?"

Lucy attempted to swish out her sword but caught it on her belt. The sword was quite dull however and her belt continued to hold up her trousers.

"And Lucy? Trousers?"

"Auntie Nan, you would not believe how comfortable trousers are and how easy it is to stride about!"

"Ah yes, well...."

Liam arrived at this point and though his eyes popped out when he saw Lucy (and her trousers), he made no comment about them or about anything else for that matter.

After reviewing everyone's provisions, Lucy was sent back home to retrieve a few of the basic necessities she had neglected to pack such as a warm jacket, extra socks and a blanket, not to mention a few food items. Nan was not prepared to feed the entire lot of them all on her own. Thankfully, Liam came well provided for which was fortunate as there was a lot of him to feed. Finally, it was agreed that everything that was needed was packed and they set out for the northern hills. Hermione began whining immediately about having to walk begged to be carried. Hal grumbled but allowed her onto the wagon. Kienan was beyond excited and covered more than twice the distance by dashing ahead then dashing back again.

Lucy began chattering to Hal, asking him how far they had to go before they could expect to see the dragons. Hal was still a bit cross over having to leave his bits of rusted wire and broken crockery behind. No one can stay grumpy around Lucy for long and he soon warmed up to her and began to describe the path they would take.