Don't think about a pink elephant Chp.1

Prologue

The world, spinning like a wheel,

crushes everything with the need

to escape this hellish mace of needs.

Some people tried to get on top,

but to no avail. It only got them stuck.

Someone dared to let it be,

but the mace of hell still appeared.

Once the spinning stopped,

a hunter took it as a trophy.

Sadly, his cat stood and looked,

then turned the wheel from the top.

To no one’s confusion,

the spinning began —

down the stairs,

right through the hunter’s heart,

and onward through the world.

Still spinning,

knowing it does its job —

the god sent it out into this world.

Chapter 1

Felix had only come to his garden to water the plants.

Somehow, he'd already been there for four days.

That day alone, he'd spent six hours sitting on the sofa inside his little garden hut, scrolling on his phone. The plants were still waiting outside.

So were the groceries he'd brought with him.

He truly knew he was sinning, so he went outside for a quick cigarette break.

>>What am I even doing? I spent 6 hours on the phone again and did nothing.<<

Meanwhile, he ran a hand through his hair.

>>Maybe I should just water the plants so I can finally go home from my garden.<<

He thought about the groceries sitting inside the hut.

>>I should probably put those away too.<<

He didn't.

He seemed to be trapped inside his mind and his phone.

>>A quick walk should surely do the trick.<<

He wandered off into the woods. No light, just the noise from the nearby Autobahn.

He kept walking.

It didn't help.

>>Don't think about a pink elephant in a fridge.<<

His mind wandered somewhere else again.

Quietly, he started singing.

>Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...<

He reached the farmer's little self-service hut and grabbed another bottle of that delicious apple juice before walking back to his garden.

He walked through the forest again. Somewhere beside him, a branch snapped. A few seconds later, something moved in the bushes.

>>I should just learn to operate like a normal person and not be walking around at 3 a.m.<<

>>No, just stop thinking. Think NOT about a pink elephant in a fridge. Just go back to the garden and do your thing.<<

As he returned to his garden at 4 a.m., he filled the watering can.

>>I've been here for 4 days and still haven't done the plants. Just let me turn up the music.<<

He put on some brass music and started watering.

One plant.

Then another.

Then another.

For once, he wasn't thinking about anything else.

His phone interrupted the music with an ad.

Felix pulled it out.

>>Just skip it and keep going.<<

He skipped the ad.

For a few seconds, his thumb hovered over the screen.

Then he opened YouTube.

One video.

Another one.

Somehow, he ended up on social media.

The watering can was still in his other hand.

A video of some muscular guy appeared.

Felix stopped scrolling.

>>If I still worked out, that would've been me.<<

He kept scrolling.

Eventually, he put the watering can down and sat on top of the well.

>>Just for a minute.<<

His thumb kept moving.

One video became another.

After a while, sitting on the well became uncomfortable, so he got up.

Not to continue watering.

He crawled back into his little garden hut, phone still in his hand, and dropped onto the sofa.

He lay there and kept scrolling.

When he finally looked up again, daylight was already coming through the window.

He checked the time.

Three hours.

The plants were still waiting outside.

>>For fuck's sake.<<

He got back up, stepped outside and picked up the watering can again.

And somehow, that same little battle continued for another two days. He slept on the sofa whenever he got tired, woke up, picked up his phone again and occasionally remembered that there were still plants outside.

By the time he finally watered the last plant, a two-hour task had taken him six days.

Felix looked at the last plant.

Six days.

For fucking plants.

>>Finally, I can get home, lie back on the couch and enjoy my time.<<

He checked on everything and headed to the nearest train station.

The groceries came with him.

After six days in the hut, they weren't looking particularly good.

He sat on the train, impatiently scrolling through his phone, before walking back to his place.

He arrived and spent the whole afternoon on the couch, smoking and watching YouTube.

Until he noticed some flies.

He followed them and saw a huge horde of around 70 small flies in his kitchen, which looked more like an abandoned butchery than a kitchen.

Not the nice black flies, either, but those radiant green ones that looked almost toxic.

Flies everywhere, trash everywhere, lying around and judging him.

Then a few of them started flying toward him.

>>Nope.<<

He turned around and went straight back to the couch.

He went out onto his terrace again to smoke more and drink more, just to keep his mind quiet. He was tired, but not tired enough to go to sleep.

He had been awake for more than thirty hours by then.

As usual.

An idea went through his head.

>>I need to get out of here, away from that smell and this bullshit, and do something with some "normal" people.<<

He texted some friends he hadn't seen in a long time, but of course nobody answered at 6 a.m.

He finished his drink and went to sleep on the couch, like always.

When he woke up at 7 p.m., he saw notifications from some of the friends he had messaged, but he had missed the plans he'd made, except for one that was supposed to happen in an hour.

He quickly showered, got ready and went out. He wasn't used to going out anymore, but he knew it was something he needed.

He met one good friend of his, and they went to karaoke like always. He wasn't really enjoying it, but he guessed it was better than watching the flies multiply.

Many people applauded his singing, but then that dude showed up again.

>Sing Freestyler again!<

He answered:

>No, forget it. I ain't gonna sing that again!<

His friend immediately said:

>Feliiiix, yes, sing it again!<

But he refused again.

>>Why do they always bother me about that one boring song?<<

Later, he saw the song pop up in the queue.

>>Is this song for me? I told everyone already, no.<<

A few minutes later, the beat started playing anyway.

Felix looked toward the stage and saw Lukas standing there with the microphone in his hand.

He stayed quiet and listened.

Lukas didn't rap it as well as Felix usually did. He missed parts, came in late on some lines and still somehow kept going.

At one point, Lukas looked directly at Felix.

He smiled at him while continuing the song, almost as if he wanted to make sure Felix was watching.

Felix looked back at him with a half-baked smile.

>>I just wanna grab that damn mic and shove it up his ass so bad...<<

Lukas kept performing.

Then the song ended.

The room broke into applause.

Louder than Felix expected.

He looked around for a second, watching people clap and smile at Lukas.

>>I thought people enjoyed me rapping it, but I guess this isn't about me anymore.<<

>>I should probably just leave right now.<<

>Hey Lukas, that performance was stunning.<

>Thank you. I did this for you.<

>Yeah, you did very well.<

>>He did terrible.<<

He stayed there the whole night, and as the evening came to a close, he asked Lukas:

>Can you please get me home? I'm really tired.<

Lukas nodded.

>Of course.<

They started walking toward his car, away from the shitshow center.

>You know, I just have the feeling everything is repeating, like I'm in some kind of circle that I can't break out of.<

>Hm, weird. What do you mean?<

>I mean we—I mean, you do this karaoke evening for so long, and it's starting to get boring for me.<

>I really never thought about it.<

>I don't know. Maybe I should... Maybe it's better if we go somewhere different.<

>I don't know. I actually enjoy it.<

Felix did not respond and started walking faster toward the car, with Lukas following behind him.

They got into the car.

>But, you know, maybe just something... I can't describe it. Anyway, can you change the music in the car?<

>Yeah, for sure. You know my PIN. Put something on.<

He put on "Manea" by Fanfare Ciocărlia.

>I didn't know you were into this kind of thing.<

>Yeah, I started listening to them. I think some of their music is amazing.<

Lukas glanced at Felix, visibly confused, then turned his attention back to the road.

Felix was clearly vibing to the music, but that damn karaoke performance was still stuck in his head.

>>It's kind of like I'm a tourist in my own town, haha.<<

They didn't talk for the rest of the drive.

>Thank you for getting me here. Take this.<

He handed him 5 euros.

>Thanks, man. Good night.<

Felix went into his apartment.

The smell was awful.

He threw away the groceries he'd dragged all the way back from the garden. Six days had done exactly what six days usually do to unrefrigerated groceries.

He looked around for a moment.

Then he went to sleep.

Felix woke up again sometime in the afternoon. This time, he decided to do something different. Instead of watching YouTube, he decided that maybe gaming would be healthier.

Sadly, no.

He spent the next four days playing video games. When he wasn't playing, he was thinking about the game.

He barely ate.

Day and night stopped meaning much. He slept whenever he got tired, woke up whenever his body decided it was enough, and continued playing.

On the fifth day, he finally looked away from the screen long enough to realize:

>>It doesn't matter what I do. I always end up the same.<<

He grabbed some vodka.

And there it was again.

The phone. The cigarettes. The drinking.

Different distraction, same routine.

At least he didn't have to think.

Eventually, the radiant green flies became too annoying to ignore.

He grabbed some window cleaner and started spraying the flies.

It worked.

Now there were dead flies everywhere.

He decided to go to a bar just to get away from his apartment.

A guy nearby caught his attention. He looked strangely familiar, like someone Felix had known before, but Felix couldn't figure out who. There was something about him that seemed genuinely friendly.

>>Hopefully he speaks to me. He seems interesting, but how do I approach him? "Hey, how are you doing?" No, too normal. It doesn't matter. Why do I want to talk to him anyway?<<

He drank and drank, but nothing happened.

In the meantime, the stranger had left.

>>What if I just robbed a bank? Would they mind? Or what if I just left to go on a pilgrim's quest? Would they notice if I was away? If I just wasn't here?<<

>>NO. STOP. THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT, YOU MORON.<<

Felix went back to his phone to shut his mind up.

The remaining days of his vacation passed much the same way.

>>Tomorrow I need to get back to work, and I still feel like shit.<<

He told himself he'd go to sleep early.

He didn't.

The next time he looked at the clock, he had 20 minutes until work.

Felix turned into a tornado.

Shower. Clothes. Rucksack.

>>Where the fuck are the clean socks?<<

Somehow, he made it to work.

He worked as a bartender at a restaurant. He'd had the chance to work as a server, but he wanted to work at a bar, so he had declined it.

Nobody around him really talked to him.

He saw his chef talking to the guests and became envious of him for being able to talk to them.

>>Why do they dislike me? I do everything I need to do, and I already know what they order without them even telling me. I'm giving it my best.<<

Another bon came in.

2x mango soda and one blackberry with water.

Felix read it, made the drinks and put them out.

Another bon.

Then another.

For a change, he decided to bring one of the orders to the table himself.

>Here you go.<

Felix looked at the guest.

The guest looked back at him, confused.

They stared at each other for a second.

Felix went back behind the counter.

As the restaurant filled up, his frustration with the job kept building.

Another bon came in.

He grabbed a glass.

The chef came up to him.

>Smile a little more.<

>I'm giving my best.<

The chef walked away.

Felix looked down at the glass in his hand.

His fingers tightened around it.

For a moment, he thought about putting it back where it belonged.

Instead, he loosened his grip.

The glass slipped from his fingers.

It shattered against the floor.

For a second, the sound seemed louder than everything else in the restaurant.

Felix looked down at the tiny pieces scattered around his shoes.

He smiled.

>WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!<

Felix looked up. The guests had turned toward them. Some stared in confusion, while others smiled, probably thinking the glass had simply slipped out of his hand.

Felix started walking toward the broom.

>Sorry, but I need a short break to cool off.<

He grabbed the broom, walked back and started sweeping up the broken glass.

He swept the pieces into the dustpan and dumped them into the trash.

Then he leaned the broom against the counter and headed outside for a cigarette.

The chef followed him.

>You know, just think from my perspective. You just need to enjoy the job. Otherwise... you should stay away from gastronomy.<

>I know what you mean, but everything seems to be turned upside down. I can't describe it. I actually like working in this industry. I don't know anymore.<

>You know, when I was your age, I always tried my best. Why can't you do the same?<

>I feel like I've got everything, but still nothing I actually wanted.<

>Okay, just smoke your cigarette and get back to work, please.<

Felix finished his cigarette and went back inside.

The guests had gone back to their conversations.

And somehow, the shift just continued.

Two weeks passed.

Nothing special happened. On his days off, he stayed home. On the days he had to work, he went to work and then came straight back home.

One day followed another, and somehow they all started looking the same.

Then one morning, Felix woke up.

He couldn't seem to find his phone.

Felix searched for it, but garbage was everywhere.

Suddenly, someone called him.

It was the chef.

Felix was supposed to be at work.

>Felix, you slept in again?<

>Nah, I just couldn't find my phone.<

In the background, there were weird noises from the plastic bags and crumpled paper.

Felix looked around his apartment.

He didn't want to go.

>Aaaah, Chef, I'm sorry, but I forgot. Today I've got an appointment with the doctor. I forgot to tell you.<

>>That appointment being just with a couch, haha.<<

>Oh yeah, sure, but next time tell me earlier.<

We all already know Felix does nothing.

He stayed home.

The next day, he was supposed to work again.

This time, Felix didn't even invent an appointment.

He simply didn't show up.

The day disappeared somewhere between the couch, his phone and the garbage around him.

Eventually, he fell asleep.

When he woke up again, he decided to go grocery shopping.

He was still smelly, but he didn't mind.

>>Just grab the things fast and get home. Really easy.<<

He had made a grocery shopping list at home, full of cleaning supplies, sweets and something to cook.

He bought it.

Everything went according to plan.

Almost.

When he arrived home, he put the rucksack down by the entrance.

The groceries from the garden flashed through his mind for a second.

>>I'll put these away in a minute.<<

He went outside for a cigarette.

Then he pulled out his phone.

The rucksack stayed exactly where he'd left it.

Later that day, he thought about going to feed the pigeons again.

>>Why not? It's relaxing.<<

He went to the store again, bought sunflower seeds and went into the park. The pigeons were already waiting at his spot.

He got all kinds of weird looks for feeding the pigeons, but at least it was something he could actually do.

Not like the rest...

He wanted to train the pigeons so that two whistles in a row meant food. He stood up and went from place to place.

>>Do they follow me, or do they follow the whistle?<<

He decided to sneak behind a tree and try his double whistle.

He tried it a bunch of times, but not a single pigeon came.

He finally used up all the birdseed, but since he was already in the city, he went drinking again.

He went to the nearest bar with darts and ordered a Kellerbier.

He played some rounds of darts, and finally he seemed to feel something.

Some other dude approached him.

>Can I play with you?<

>For sure, dude.<

They played three rounds of 701.

Felix liked having something to prove, even if it was only darts.

Felix won the first round, and the other guy won the other two.

They split up pretty quickly after the games.

Felix watched the guy walk away.

For a second, he wondered if he'd said something wrong.

>>It's for sure because I didn't shower and I look like a train wreck.<<

He ordered another beer and drank it really fast.

He decided he wouldn't take the bus today. Instead, he would walk home.

>>It was a really good day, I have to admit.<<

He opened the door.

The smell greeted him first.

>Okay. I can do it.<

He unpacked his rucksack and put the stuff in the right places.

>>Finally, it's done. Now I don't need to think about it anymore.<<

He grabbed the sweets and ate them on the couch. He just threw the plastic on the ground.

Somehow, he fell asleep.

When he woke up, he had 30 minutes before he needed to get to the bus.

Felix turned into a tornado again.

Showering. Ironing. Getting ready.

>>Where are the clean socks?<<

He arrived at work, the chef side-eyeing him.

The day passed.

Suddenly, the chef came up to him.

>You come with me.<

Felix followed him.

The chef stopped and turned toward him.

>Felix, can I see proof of your doctor's appointment?<

Felix froze.

He stared at the chef for a second before walking over to his rucksack and opening it.

>>Oh shit. What am I supposed to do now?<<

He looked through it for a moment.

>I forgot to bring it with me.<

>Okay... but what was going on with you the day after?<

Felix stopped.

>I... I... I wasn't sick. It...<

He looked down at his open rucksack.

>I just needed some time to get my place back in order.<

The chef stared at him.

>So there was no appointment?!<

Felix stayed quiet for a second.

>No. I didn't have one.<

The chef stared at him for another moment.

>Okay. I'll give you two choices. Either you stay here and behave like a normal person, or you get out. You've got one day to choose. Tell me tomorrow, okay?<

>Yes.<

He made a call.

>Daniel, brother, how are you doing?<

>I'm doing great. What about you?<

>Ah, I need to tell you this at your place. Can I visit you?<

>Yeah, come by.<

>I'll be there in 10 minutes, okay?<

>Sure.<

On his way there, his anxiety started acting up again.

>>What the fuck am I even doing here?<<

>>How the fuck do I tell him?<<

He rang the doorbell.

>Felix, what happened?<

>So basically, my life is a mess, and my chef told me I have to decide whether I stay or leave. The deadline is tomorrow.<

>Oh, don't worry. Just tell him you're sick, and that way you've got more time on your hands.<

>NO. I don't wanna do it this way. You know what? Get me a piece of paper and a pencil.<

Daniel handed him a piece of paper and a pencil.

Felix stared at the empty page.

>>Okay. Pros and cons. Easy.<<

He wrote "PROS" on one side and "CONS" on the other.

Then he stopped.

The pencil hovered above the paper.

>>What do I even put here?<<

He took another sip of his drink.

Daniel watched him.

>So?<

>Wait, I'm thinking.<

Felix finally started writing.

PROS

Free staff meals

Chef is understanding

CONS

Staff meals are shit

Bad pay (the staff meals don't help)

Guests are annoying

Barely any contact with guests

No cocktails

No fun at work

Felix looked at the two sides.

Then back at the pros.

Then back at the cons.

>>Well... that's not looking good.<<

He took a photo of it.

>You know, if I come late tomorrow, at least I can show my boss this so he knows I did my homework.<

Daniel nodded.

>But who cares? My boss gave me an impossible deadline, so you know what? I'm gonna stay up late for sure, so I'll be tired tomorrow. Then my boss sees that I put my mind to it, because it's his fault for giving me such an impossible deadline.<

Daniel didn't answer immediately.

>>He thinks I'm crazy for sure.<<

>Or just tell him that you're sick, like I told you. Nobody cares about it, so you've got more time to think about it.<

They drank the whole night.

Felix walked home and went to sleep.

The next day, Felix stood near the chef.

Before approaching him, he pulled out his phone and looked at the photo of the list one more time.

He put his phone back into his pocket and walked over to him.

>I am truly sorry, but this isn't what I dreamed of. At first, I enjo—<

>You know, Felix, you really used my goodwill. I thought you were something special, but I guess not.<

>>Oh, fuck you, you idiot. I'm not getting manipulated by that bullshit.<<

>Oh yeah, I understand what you mean, but I made a list, and I'm sorry, but the pros don't outweigh the cons.<

>By the way, you've got unused vacation days. I need to tell my bureaucracy lady about it. You'll get a message from me tomorrow about it, okay?<

>Thank you very much.<

He came home.

Finally, he felt free from everything.

He celebrated the whole night. He drank a lot. He smoked a lot. He laughed a lot.

And he smoked a little bit of weed.

He saw a message from Daniel.

>>What are you up to?<<

Felix looked at it.

He didn't respond.

Somehow, he managed to wake up earlier than usual.

It felt weird.

In a good way.