Don't Lose Your Cool

It was happening. They warned us that it was coming a few months ago. I’m not sure if most people believed them or not, but I’m sure they believe them now. Back in March, it was predicted that this was going to be a very hot summer. Last week, it was forecast that today would be the hottest day on record. And now it was here.

I was prepared. In March, when they said how hot the summer would be, I started saving money. I was determined to get the Arctic Radiant Cooling System 2301 (ARCS). ARCS cannot be defined as an air conditioner. It is a cooling system. Similar to the way that a radiator heats a home, ARCS cools the home. No forced air. No filters. No ventilation needed. Just turn it on and wait a few minutes while the room temperature drops.

It cost me a great deal of money—$10,000—but I got it a few days ago. It would have been more, but I opted to put it together myself instead of waiting for a crew to come and install it. The instructions said installation should be performed by a certified technician. I’ve watched enough YouTube videos to know that “certified” is mostly a suggestion. It was a hassle, but I got it done. I saved $50,000. For that much money, they could have painted my house, gave me a new roof, and named their first born after me. $50,000.

When it came time to turn it on, I pressed the button and...nothing.

It was already 90° at 7 AM. It took almost an hour to check all my wires and cooling tubes. I went over everything with a fine-tooth comb. It was all correct. I had no idea what the problem was.

By 8 AM, the temperature outside was 95°. Inside, it must have been 125°. The temperature was going to continue to rise. I had to get this thing working. I called the customer service line, but, like most companies, I only spoke to a computer.

I hate AI.

“Thank you for calling ARC, Arctic Radiant Cooling. Please tell me how I can help you.”

It was AI. I took a deep breath before speaking. I needed to calm down.

“I would like to speak to someone in customer service.”

“OK. You would like to speak to someone in customer service. I can help you with that. But first, tell me what you need so I can direct you to the proper place.”

“I need to speak to a human.”

“I’m sorry. I heard, ‘I need to speak to Hugh Mann.’ I could not locate an employee by that name.”

“Human. Human. Let me speak to a person!”

“I understand your frustration. Let me assure you that I am here to help in any way I can. Please, tell me how I can help you today.”

“Put A HUMAN BEING on the phone.”

“One moment. Let me connect you with someone.”

The elevator music continued for at least 15 minutes before another voice responded.

“I’m sorry. Our office is currently closed due to rolling blackouts caused by the heat wave. You can always call back and speak with our automated answering service. You can also use our website, ARCooling.gbs, to get answers. CLICK.”

I wanted to scream, but I calmed down and logged on to the website—or at least tried.

Hmm, we can’t reach this page — ERR_CONNECTION_TIMED_OUT

It was 10 AM, and the temperature was near 100° and still rising. I told my wife and son to get in the car to go for a drive. I told them that we were headed for a full day of fun. A few hours at the public pool and a few more at the museum would have done us a lot of good.

The car had air conditioning, so it was a nice, cool drive on the way.

That is, until the traffic jam stopped us.

Two hours stuck in traffic was not anyone’s idea of fun.

I was banging my head on the steering wheel. Jamie, my wife, was looking at me like she wanted to kill me. Jackson, my son, was nonstop asking the classic childhood question.

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

At some point—I don’t know what time—I got out of the car just to have a chance to scream. I walked ahead to see what the problem was. But trying to walk in 110° heat is a very bad idea. I don’t even remember how or when I got back to the car.

I woke up with Jamie spraying water on my face.

“I’m driving!” she said.

“What happened?”

“You almost died,” Jackson said. “But Mommy saved your life.”

“Are we moving?”

“Yep! Are we there yet.”

As I looked up, I could see that two fire trucks had crashed while trying to get to a car fire on the other side of the road. A third truck had stalled while trying to get to the first two. As we drove past, gawkers caused traffic to slow down.

This may or may not have added to the reason we ran out of gas.

No gas, no air.

It was now 115°.

A few good things happened at that time. First, I realized that we had stopped right next to an off-ramp. Second, as I got out of the car to push, a good Samaritan decided to help.

I got back in, and he pushed it by himself.

He was like a bodybuilder or something. He had more muscles in his hand than I had in my whole body. He pushed us to safety and gave me his business card.

Joe Mangram, C.E.O. of Knots AI.

He took one look at my wife.

“Jamie Toliver, is that you?”

“Joe Mangram!”

“I haven’t seen you since...”

As it turned out, my wife used to date a bodybuilding millionaire.

Well, he wasn’t a millionaire or a bodybuilder back then. But now they had the chance to catch up on old times while I walked through 118° heat to find a gas station.

Just my luck.

I must have walked two miles before I found one. The price was only $7.25 per gallon.

How could they do this? Can’t they see the trouble people are in?

What made matters worse was that I broke a cardinal rule that I myself had established. No matter how bad things get, no matter how dire a situation seems, never ask the question:

“What else can go wrong?”

“Sorry, sir. We’re out of gas.”

“What?”

“I just sold our last gallon a few minutes ago. Our staff is leaving now.”

“Where is the next gas station?”

“About two miles down the road. Dude, you look exhausted. Here, take a free slushie before you walk on.”

Another two miles walking in 120° heat.

Before I made it one block, my frozen drink was just a cold drink. Another block and it was a warm drink. I feared what one more block would do, so I poured it out.

It was too sweet anyway. Sugary drinks should be avoided in the heat.

I made it to the next station and paid $9.75 for one gallon of gas and $8.25 for a single bottle of electrolyte drink.

These people are a bunch of crooks.

Before leaving, I filled my cup with sugar-free slushie and ran out the door.

Running four miles back to the car with a 300-pound man chasing me was intense. But I was renewed by the cool drinks. I knew that he couldn’t keep up for too long.

Or so I thought!

I have never seen a six-foot, 300-pound man run that fast for that long. He was on my tail almost the whole way. If it wasn’t for the train, he would have caught me.

I know it’s dangerous to run across railroad tracks when the gate is down and the lights are flashing. But it’s also dangerous to let such a big man catch you.

I heard the train horn. I saw the gates coming down. This was the moment when a sensible man would stop. Unfortunately, a sensible man would have paid for the slushie.

I made it back to the car only to realize that Joe Mangram had pushed the car uphill another gas station just two blocks in the opposite direction of the car.

He could have told me where it was.

“Joe Mangram!”, my wife said. It was more like “Joe Man Gram.”

I had never heard my wife put that much enthusiasm into three syllables.

“I still can’t believe it’s you. Oh! Honey, you’re back.”

“You two catch up,” I said. “I’ll just walk four miles through the surface of the sun.”

I took the family to the pool, only to find out that it was closed that day for maintenance. We went to the museum, and they were closing down due to rolling blackouts. We tried three other cooling centers.

All closed.

So, we drove back home.

At home, I tried to work on the ARCS again. I checked one last thing, and I could immediately feel the heat being sucked out of the room.

It was unplugged.