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Dodge - Why Go Big When You Can Just Stay Home ("Two Hells of an Understatement!")

- The Autobiography and "Do Not Travel" Memoirs of Dodge Tanner.

By Canyon CappolaPublished 4 months ago Updated 4 months ago 2 min read
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"To say things didn't look good,", Dodge thought to himself as he desperately tried to find anything remotely qualifying as cover, "was one or two Hells of an understatement!"

The, uh, 'Good?', Portal to the cold Hell that the Desert Villagers depended on for their water was still safe. The Chaos Goblin constructed 'Evil' Portal to the hot Hell had fallen, but was still whole and still open.

And from that Hell Portal crawled the seemingly endless Millipedal body of vile Demon, crushing and destroying everything in its path, summoned by the Chaos Goblins, (and... perhaps... helped along by an always eager to please Dodge Tanner???)

Dodge raced to put distance between himself and the still extending crawling monstrosity, cutting down another Goblin Shaman along the way, and ducked to hide behind some boxes even as he watched the Demon rip three more Goblins apart.

From the cavern floor below, Dodge could hear the devastatingly effective work of Mittens, as scream after scream of Goblins were cut short in gurgles and splashes. 

Above, he watched as Arete transformed into an Angel, watching over the battle, administering healings, keeping Mittens covered with bolts of fire and assaults with an angry book, and maneuvering to put her own plan into action. 

The Crawling King of a Demon, having eaten everything in its vicinity, suddenly, and far too swiftly for his liking, rushed towards Dodge, massive claw reaching out to rend and tear, but Dodge did what Dodges do best... He Cowered!

And, as the Demon's claws ineffectually slashed through the air above him, our brave Halfling nimbly darted out and booped it in the Hell-Snoot with his Rapier before running away with what some might call terrified screams, but Dodge liked to think of as Reverse Battle Cries!

And, now that Dodge, (Running, and screaming, and trying, desperately, to find safety), had the Demon right where he wanted it, it was simple work for Mittens to do her little part. All she needed to do was simply race across the entire cavern unnoticed, avoiding the Goblins, Demonic claws, and undulating swipes of the massive Demonic body, leap onto the back of the Demon, race up its spine, and hack off its head... All before it noticed her presence and smashed her flat.  Easy Peasy, now that Dodge had done all the hard work.

Snicker-Snack went her strange Magical Headhunting Greatsword, and off came the head, as Mittens cut through the thick armored hide in one swipe and precisely struck the exact same unprotected spot with a second blow, decapitating the ancient and eternal evil, and sending it back where it came from.

All that was left was the cleanup and saving the imprisoned villagers... Oh, and finding and convincing Dodge it was safe to come out again.

And that, my friends, is the true accounting of how Dodge saved the world, [Again!], with just the teeeensiest bit of help from Arete and Mittens.

- Excerpt from "Why Go BIG, When You Can Just Stay Home?!", The Autobiography and "Do Not Travel" Memoirs of Derrek 'Dodge' Tanner.

FantasyHumorSeriesShort Story
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About the Creator

Canyon Cappola

Horse Archer, RPG Gamer, and part time Writer of Character based stories.

I hope you enjoy!

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