Diving Deep

The wake of the boat left a lone white trail behind us; a solid, singular, spreading marker showing our way back temporarily, until the water resettled. This was it for me, there was no going back now, the boat just bounced along the waves, into the seemingly never-ending horizon. This trip was gifted to me from another group of survivors and the scientists who claimed to have helped them to shed their fear like an old skin, letting it slide off back to the depths of their minds, forgotten. I haven’t been able to forget though. I can still remember the day it happened like it was yesterday.

It was August 5th, 1991, around seven in the evening. I had gone for a drink at a friend’s birthday when he had suggested we all go surfing, there were four of us in total. I loved the sport, the feel of the cool water lapping against the board while you sat waiting for the perfect wave, the heat of the sun on your back with the breeze in your face and the freedom that surrounded you. You felt like you weren’t just alive… but living. It was a beautiful evening, we had no hesitations, the waves came one after another like clockwork, but we didn’t catch every one we could have. We had periods of time where we just sat in a row, bobbing along on our boards together while we chatted, slowly making our way out, away from the breaking waves and the other swimmers towards the bigger waves, just enjoying being there. We shouldn’t have been out there so late though, we had only intended a wave or two but before we knew it the sun was beginning to dip and the humid air was cooling around us, but that was the problem with summer… later evenings, better weather, we just forgot ourselves, it invites you, beckoning you into the outdoors, into the beauty and the good times.

One last wave, that was the plan, one last wave and we would ride it to the shallows and go home. I chose to go first, swimming out ahead of the others to catch the first wave. I can remember feeling my entire body going cold, a shiver running through me like the old saying goes, ‘someone just walked across your grave’… something wasn’t right. I was always taught to listen to my gut with the ocean. I’d been raised around the sea, taught to respect it, to listen to it, to feel it, but I had been surfing here since I was eleven and nothing had ever gone wrong for me or anyone I had known. I was well aware of what lurked in the depths and the dangers, for whatever reason this time though, for the first time in my life I just didn’t want to be in the deep water then. I should have listened to my gut and turned around, but I didn’t. instead of slowing, I lifted my feet from the water to lay on my belly on the board, using my arms to propel myself forwards. I was conscious of trying not to make any noise, to not splash or breathe too loudly as I swam, it seemed ridiculous at the time, who was there to hear me? Yet I felt like something was listening to me.

I went to take another stroke and that’s when it hit me. It hit me with such a force that I had never experienced before and hope with everything I have that I never will again. All the air was taken from my body in a split second and all of a sudden, I was plunged into the cold grasps of the water, everything was instantly darker as I felt myself being pulled downwards. I could hear the muffled yells of my friends getting quieter and quieter, they were frantic, screaming, but I could barely hear them over the sound of bubbles I didn’t know where they were coming from at first. I didn’t know I was screaming until I saw those bubbles escaping from me. I should have conserved my breath when I checked myself and tried to get control back but that’s when I saw it, only briefly but I was sure I had just met with the thing that hadn’t only walked over my grave but dug it for me in preparation of this moment. Grey pointed head with a bluntnose, black eyes void of life and emotion, teeth, so many teeth but I couldn’t see their points, those were buried to the base in my thigh, the bottom jaw had hold of my board, I was pinned. Shark. I knew instantly what was happening in that moment and my brain went into overdrive trying to work out what to do. I didn’t feel the pain though, at first It felt like I had been hit by something, but then there was the pressure, the vice like grip which didn’t let up and shortly turned into a burning sensation as the dark water around me thickly turned crimson. I could barely see my hand in front of me as I punched it, desperately seeking out the softest, most sensitive part. Everyone says to hit the eyes initially, but I went for its gills, it let me go quickly, it didn’t stay long, then I was floating. Looking up, I could see the red water, the dim sun barely getting through to me, then there were several hands grabbing at me, hauling me up, that’s when I remembered I needed to breathe. The air was like fire in my lungs, I was coughing up saltwater as I gasped for breath. I remember they were talking to me, my friends… I remember being on my back on someone’s board and looking down at myself, my leg looked like it had gone through a mincer, and we were leaving a crimson trail, then it all went black. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke in the hospital, one leg missing and my hand in bandages, apparently I had sliced my fist on its teeth trying to get it off me, I don’t remember that, but I have the scars to contradict my mind.

After months of physio and rehabilitation, I joined a group of people who had survived, some had worse attacks, some more mild but all suffering from the nightmares, the fear, the debilitating aftermath of the attack itself, that was worse. The attack lasted seconds, but the mind wouldn’t let it go. My thoughts assaulted me with every splash, every time I shut my eyes, every drop of blood in the sink from a cut while cooking… even watching animal planet scared me now, to see those eyes again, those soulless, empty looking eyes… Then I found out about this trip which was a gift to the survivors from a band of conservationists who adamantly refused to back down, they wanted to show us, to help us to understand that these creatures were just misunderstood, you can see why I had my trepidations but as half the group were going or had been before, some in a worse off position than myself, I thought I would at least give it a go and hell, if I couldn’t get in the water when I got there then at least I had had the thought to try.

So that’s where I am now, on a scientist’s boat to swim with and maybe tag a shark, to protect the life of what has taken mine away from me. I had a moment on the way here where I let my hand hover outside the boat, feeling the spray as we sped across the water, I could remember how free I had been out here before, how empty of thoughts my head used to be. Then I snatched my hand back to my chest, away from the water.

We’ve finally stopped in the middle of nowhere, there’s a cliff in the distance to my left, although it’s a long way off. I can hear the seals from here, calling and splashing. I am told this is a popular route for passing sharks, I can see why. The whole group are equipped with wetsuits, our gear’s currently being checked, and the cage is being lowered so that we can get in…maybe. We were told before coming out that they wouldn’t bait the water. I’m glad I don’t have to see the floating blood trail, that would have sealed the deal for me not going in, but as I sit here, I can feel the bubbling excitement of being in the sea again. I would never imagine going in without the cage for this first dive, but I feel a slight confidence in me growing.

I chose to go first, I wasn’t going to let my mind wander for hours waiting for the others, so I cleaned and equipped my mask, put in my breathing apparatus and descended into the cage, the clank of the top slamming shut reverberated through me as a brief spell of doubt shivered through me. I took a deep breath, counted back from ten and looked around me. We were lowered several meters and it was so blue, in every direction but down. Down was dark and inky black below us. Above was incredible, the sun shone through the water, shining and speckled, the water a brilliant dance of light and blue in the most beautiful patterns. I could have stayed like that for hours, it was so quiet, cool and empty.

Then it came, a black shadow from below, it was swimming up slowly, almost leisurely to circle the cage. It looked effortless, its tail was barely moving yet it was gliding around us, not coming too close, not instantly attacking… just watching. Its body was two toned, a deeper grey on top, a creamy colour beneath, both meeting in the middle of its body in a scruffy line, like someone had tried painting it. There was what looked like a rip on its dorsal fin and a hook trailing a thick line from the corner of its mouth. These things weren’t mindless killers, they were hunted too, they were no more dangerous than us. I found I wasn’t as scared as I thought I would be. This creature was beautiful, almost majestic in its movements. Every move was graceful and calculated, even those eyes I thought were void of life were constantly looking around, assessing, curious. I could see it, and it could see me, its eyes weren’t empty but full of life.

I took a step towards the bars with the scientist who had a long pole, a camera attached to the end of it, she stuck her arm out of the bars and an involuntary grab to pull her backwards ended with her shaking her head at me and reaching out of the cage again. The shark circled back, closer now, curious. She pulled her arm in after she had recorded it passing and waited for it to come around again. She told me how it swam, how it relied on its senses and what they were, it was fascinating.

Then it passed again, its fin bumping the cage slightly, I didn’t think, I just acted, I reached out and felt its skin as it swam past, it was rough and prickly against my skin like sandpaper and it didn’t flinch, it didn’t care that we were here in its home, it just continued looking and inspecting us before making its way back down towards the depths again.

The cage was raised, and I was helped back up and onto the boat, I was shaking with excitement, and I was grinning, I had done it, I had gotten back into the water which I had previously said I would never do, and I loved it. I want to do it again.