Did I Ever Tell You…

Have a seat here next to me. No, no, of course I don’t mind! Its’ not every night I get to spend by the campfire with you is it?

Woah! Almost made me fall sitting down like that, my how you’ve grown since last I saw you. What? Fall on purpose? Nonsense! Preposterous! Who ever heard of such a thing, falling on purpose just to make a grandson laugh. Don’t let your grandma hear you saying that, you know how serious she is all the time.

Is that my tea? Well thank you kindly, and one for yourself too. Properly raised weren’t you? And here to keep an old man company by the fire, how kind.

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Yeah, nice isn’t it. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I met a walrus?

Never told a lie in my life, thank you very much. Now, let me remember. He was a big fellow, rather long teeth I recall that plain enough. Hmm? Tusks, eh? Yes that is what they’re called, aren’t you clever.

I was working in the zoo when it happened – yes I did! Who told you I didn’t? – anyway I had just finished having lunch with the penguins. I always liked having my lunch with the penguins, they had the most interesting things to say about goings on in parliament. Because fish and chips are wrapped in newspaper, smarty pants, that’s how they know.

But back to it, the zoo was getting a new arrival so they had us all lined up and ready to meet him. Of course I had to put on my finest hat, I had to make a good first impression, and waited patiently. When the limo pulled around the corner – no, no, only the very important ones got limos. Lions and apes and such – we all caught our breath. A very important animal he must be, that’s what we all thought.

Then it screeched to a stop and this walrus comes waddling out. It bowed to each in turn, since he was a very polite walrus, and made certain not to step on anyone’s toes. Being rather heavy creatures he knew he could hurt someone if he wasn’t careful.

Plainly, everyone wanted their turn to talk to him, since walruses are very clever animals, but I won out over all the rest. I knew my hat would come in handy because he invited me to have tea with him the next day. You know, of course, that I only take tea in the evenings; but since he asked so darn politely I couldn’t just refuse him now could I?

So the next day I went over to his exhibit, a nice model with large glass walls under water so guests could see him swim if he felt like taking a dip. I dressed in my finest suit and wore the hat which had caught his eye and knocked smartly on his door exactly at four-thirty.

Why do you think it would be a different time? He asked me over for tea at four-thirty so that’s when I arrived. Never disrespect a host, lad, especially if that host is a very important walrus. Yes, they can get pushy if they’re angry, but more important is this, how many times in your life do you get to talk with a walrus?

We sat around his tea table and he said to me, “very nice place you have here. I like the carpets very much.”

“Thank you,” I said, sipping at the tea. It was a little strong for my taste but – oh ok, I’ll focus on the walrus.

“Do you know when the meal services are?”

“Of course I do. You get breakfast at seven, lunch between noon and one, and supper around six.” It was all business at this point so I was feeling a little more comfortable. “Naturally, if you’d rather be served earlier or later, you can always ask. But the kitchens are so busy.”

“I understand. Do you have anything you want to ask me?” Because if you can find a walrus willing to answer your question, they’ll tell you everything you wanted to know about it. But you only get one question, so you have to pick carefully.

What did I ask? Why should I tell you? Hehe, only teasing, I asked him where I would find the love of my life.

“You’ll have to travel and work abroad,” he told me, blowing out his impressive mustache and slurping noisily from his tea cup. “I think into Africa first, after that you’ll have to go to Australia and spend some time in Asia. It doesn’t much signify where, though, be sure to pick a place you like the food and go there to learn about their people and their culture.

“Finally, I want you to go to Canada. There you’ll find her.”

“But why should I go to so many places first,” I asked.

“Because, in order to be worthy of her love, you must have experiences and become more than you currently are. You’ve lived in this town and worked at this zoo your whole life. What is there about you save your good humour to attract her?”

“But why Canada?”

“On your travels, you’ll learn to love snow. You’ll never be able to live in a place without four seasons again. Trust me, I know about cold, I’m a walrus after all.” And so saying he finished his tea and biscuits, waddled away from the table and slipped into the cool water.

I never spoke to ‘that’ walrus again. I quit my job at the end of the week and travelled the world. He was a little wrong, though; see I met her in Singapore first, but lost her one day. I followed his instructions though and moved here to Canada where, wonder of wonders, I found her again!

And here she comes, lovely as ever, my promised love.