Despair In This Small Town

The windows of the car had fogged up from their steamy breath as they raced down a straight stretch of road heading south out of their small god-fearing town. Blackness swallowed them, what was normally a bright starry sky was covered up with dark gray clouds sounding the alarm of the fast approaching storm.

Static, layered with faintly audible strings seeped through the speaker. Trevor, a tall, curly blond haired teenager with the stomach of an alcoholic sat in the passenger seat reached to switch the stereo to CD. The static had been driving him insane and he could barely handle the silence, he craved something loud and aggressive to cut through the tension. The white noise was washing over his soul, images of a future ripped from him by a single diagnosis from a man in white. Nothing but a set of glasses and a lab coat reached into the womb of time and tore out his hopes and dreams.

Stephanie, who was know to the town only as a sweet church girl, slapped his hand away without looking away from the darkness that shrouded their way forward. She had begun showing signs of what was swimming in her bloodstream, and knew her mother was starting to catch on. She didn't understand why this was happening, they wouldn't understand why she would have to do what has to be done. Even if it wasn't the possibility of one last walk through a field of white chrysanthemums. Even if there was a soul in the empty shell in her ocean to receive it's first breath. The choice would still be the same.

Her eyes, once filled with the bright blues of hope, and joy, had become a muted gray filled with regret, and shame. She was slowly letting herself become more and more lost in the static and darkness. The road disappeared as the rain came down, nothing was there to light the path. No light, no welcoming arms, no savior, and certainly no God. The rain drops danced joining hands like angles pairing up getting ready to depart. No sympathy, just a constant assault on the windshield, only too vanish into the night without a word of wisdom shared. Their aggressive, judgmental display was pulling her further and further into the land of the lost, filling her heart with desperation and her mind with anxiety.

It was too early, everything had come and gone so suddenly. She never got the chance to decide if the time was right. She and Trevor both knew they couldn't keep the flame burning. Not long enough to bring happiness, or a sense of security to a new soul. There would be no warmth, no time for growth, thrust into a hateful world. Looked down upon by judging eyes in this small town. Poverty stricken with only of future filled with empty stomachs, and sleepless nights.

I hate how he looks at me, as if everything that has happened these last twelve weeks was my fault alone. Like she had been willing this outcome into existence. They had had the argument hundreds of times at this point. He would never understand, even if he knew they couldn't care for the life, God decided it was best for them to accept an unlivable situation. It was just another challenge they would have to overcome. I hate him, I hate how this has changed him. Her thoughts raged, as her grip tightened around the steering wheel, her foot pushed the car along faster. Or maybe it was her who had changed, she had been singing a different tune months before, that was before the gravity of the situation pulled itself into reality.

Trevor shot her a look of disdain, he couldn't stand her when she got like this. He knew she needed support but so did he. Even though he knew what had to be done, even before the doctor had made the decision for them, the loss was already barring down on him. It hit when they first talked about it, he knew she was right but it made him realize he was a failure. They couldn't create a family because he wasn't enough to provide for it. So he argued with her, he didn't want to admit he was a failure, he turned to God. And in turn God pushed them apart, if this was his will it wasn't coming from a loving and caring father. He needed to tell her how he really felt, but she would never understand, he could see the hate in her eyes.

Stephanie had turned to Trevor's mother for guidance after the seventh positive test laughed back at her. Gail had been the only one sympathetic to their situation. She was the only one in town that wouldn't turn her away immediately, the only one who understood what they were going through. She couldn't turn to her parents or she would have been cast out and when they find out about the salpingostomy they will disown her. If anyone learned the truth about what was happening they would be ostracized from the community.

"What are you doing!" She shouted breaking the hypnotic silence.

"I wasn't doing anything. You're the one who dragged me out to the middle of god damn no where. What are you doing? Where are we going?" He shot back through gritted teeth. "Don't you understand no doctor in the state will operate. They would risk jail time, you would risk jail time. They'll lock you up forever and then what do we do? What the fuck do we do?" Tears started streaming down his face knowing doing nothing would result in the loss of her life.

The temperature was steadily decreasing and more frost was building on the windows. The car raced along faster, the headlights cutting through the darkness the best they could. Trees towered on either side of them making them feel insignificant, signs screamed out desperate warnings about drinking and driving. Memorials of those that made poor decisions, decisions they were able make. What was the risk, a slap on the wrist? A small fine, maybe a class if they had done it before. If they knew the cop which was likely, everyone knew everyone, there wouldn't be any consequences.

The road was nicknamed memorial road in honor of all the good Christian souls that had been swallowed up. You grow so accustomed to the danger, the warning signs become meaningless when you feel at home. Every year the road took a life, it was as expected as the sunshine. No one stopped it, no one fought against it. It was a shame when someone was ripped into the trees, but they were free to make their own choices. The best the town could do is try to convince others to make better choices. Try and offer help, maybe a ride, a place to stay, or even an Uber.

Stephanie had been robbed of her choice by nature. Even worse the state had declared if she sought medical help for the tragedy it caused she would be held accountable. She would be seen as worse than a murderer. Weren't her own tears enough, wasn't the pain in her stomach enough, the breaking of her heart. She had lost a promised love, the strongest love she had ever known, that she had always dreamed of. Her mind was shattered from the ongoing war in her mind on what she should do. How could she give up a piece of herself, but how could she force that which she loved more than anyone to live a life of just barely getting by, if even that. There were no words that could describe the pain or self-hatred she felt.

Finally an answer broke through the night. A fast approaching light shot through the dark as the red blinking lights and lowering cross bar announced the entrance of a long awaited guest. Trevor reached for Stephanie's hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. She looked into his eyes and knew he understood, giving her a nod and a smile. "I love you, I'm sorry I couldn't bring our family happiness."

"I love you too, I'm sorry for how this turned out." The freight train roared across the tracks, the horn screaming through the night joining the cacophony of static and creating harmonious understanding.

"You have nothing to apologize for, it was an uncaring and unforgiving God that did this."

The light blasted through the car windows as it pushed through the neon orange and white barricades. It absorbed everything it touched, putting an end to the static and replacing it with screeching metal as loud as the trains cries. The darkness swallowed them up without a second thought.