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Death Calls Me

The Shadow of Death.

By NicoJayPublished 3 years ago 11 min read
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Death Calls Me
Photo by Valentin Petkov on Unsplash

The rain poured down hard. I watched silently. I put my head against the glass and felt the coolness on my forehead house with silent and cold and empty it didn't even feel like home anymore. I sighed; what the point of living here? What is the point of living?

What is life, or what is death? What does any of this mean? I began to think more about dying and living, and I closed my eyes and began to shrink into the chair. I heard the front door open.

"Michelle, are you up? Are you home I heard Bev call out. I sighed, lifted my head off the window. I rose from my chair slowly; shuffling my feet to my room door, I opened it.

"You didn't hear me calling you?" she asked.

"I did hear you, Bev. I was walking to the door before you stormed in."

"Don't forget today Aunt Sally is holding a memorial for mom; dad said we can go with Uncle Tommy if we want, or we can wait for him to get home."

"I do not want to go. Why should I want to go? Mom's already dead; what's the point of remembering that she's dead.

"Bev sighed, "Michelle, that isn't the point-"

I cut her off. "That is the point, Bev. I don't want to go, and I don't care."

Our mother passed away; it hit me hard. Her time with us was so short. I know everyone says that when a loved one passes away, but I believe there was so much more she wanted to do, there was so much more I wanted to do with her, but illness took that away. My sister puts on a fake smile for everyone. She acts like she's okay, but she isn't, and it annoys me. She had that fake smile plastered on her face when the news came home that our mother passed; she smiled and said, "now she'll be in a better place" how dumb is that! a better place without us, away from us, how is that a better place? She's long gone; she's just an empty shell in a box. I am not religious; I don't believe in heaven, I don't believe in hell, I don't even believe in purgatory; once you're dead, that is it. At school with the teachers for your loss, but are they? How can they possibly be sorry for my loss? I'm not the one who's suffering from this grief and pain. I am graduating in two weeks.

Good job mom passed away right before my graduation.

She said she would always be there, but she will not be. Everyone tells me she will be there in spirit, and I laugh. I guess she is going to show up as a ghost at my graduation. That will scare everyone, then not only will I be the motherless child but also the school's freak.

"So you are not going tonight."

"No, I'm not going; I'll be fine at home by myself."

"Don't isolate yourself. Sometimes you need to be around family or friends to get over the grief."

"Who says I'm grieving; I don't want to be bothered with any of this. besides, I can work on some of my paintings in peace."

"You're in denial, Michelle you need to speak to someone about this; if you don't want to speak to me, maybe find a therapist for you."

``I don't need a therapist, I need to be left alone, I need to finish my paintings, I need peace, and I need you out of my room."

``Whatever you say, Michelle, just letting you know I'm here for you; that's what sisters are for." she smiled a fake plastic smile and closed my room door.

I dropped a can of paint off my dresser answer it across the room; the can wasn't appropriately sealed, so when it hit the wall, the paint went everywhere. Great now dad is going to bitch about that. I thought to myself, well, I'll keep my door locked till I get a chance to clean it up. I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes; before you know it, I was asleep. I must have slept for a few hours because by the time I woke up. Dad was already home shuffling around the house ``Hey Michelle, Bev said, you will stay home. Do you need me to get you anything before I leave "he said through my closed door. I didn't answer. ``Michelle?"

I rolled over. `` I am fine, dad, thank you." Gosh, I wish they would leave me alone.

`` Okay, call me if you need anything, hun."

`` Will do, dad."

I looked at the wall, the red paint I threw dried, but it formed a picture. It looked like a bird. I think I will leave it instead of removing it. I heard dad's car pull out the driveway, slink off the bed, and walk down the steps.

``Okay, time to grab some snacks and finish my painting." I grabbed every remaining bag of a sour patch and gummy snacks I could find. I headed back to my room.

`` Alexa, turn on bedroom lights." My once dark and gloomy room turned into a well-lit studio. I pulled the sheet of my painting; tears filled my eyes. It was an incomplete portrait of my mom smiling. Now that I think about it, this will be the last image I will have of her smiling, and I must finish it now. I turned on some music and opened a bag of Sour Patch; as I grabbed my paintbrush and paint, I began to hum along to the song on the radio. I was in the groove; I was alone, and I could get used to being alone. I don't need anyone. The song switched. It was a slower tempo song; it was a buzzkill. I turned off the radio. My phone began to buzz; it was Sally. I ignored the call.

There was a Ding on my phone she left a voicemail a few minutes later there was another thing she sent me a text message I read it- Don't feel afraid to reach out we're here for you, we love, don't forget your mom loves you. Speak to someone, Michelle; it isn't good to isolate yourself; whenever you get a chance, return my call please- since mom passed, this is probably the 100th time she's called and left a text message I don't want to speak to anyone. I only talk to Bev and dad because they live in the house, making it hard not to speak to them. I continued painting, Dad and Bev came back home. I guess they decided to give me my space. No one knocked on my door. Finally, I finished it. I stepped back and smiled. There was a soft knock on my door.

`` Hey hun, you don't have to go to school tomorrow if you don't want to."

I walked over to my room door and opened it, `` Come in," I yelled for Bev to come as well. Dad entered my room and stopped in front of the painting. Bev walked in and stared.

`` Wow, it is so life-like. "She whispered, walking closer to dad. I stood next to him. He turned and hugged me. `` It is beautiful. She would have loved to see it.

"I hugged him back. `` When it is dry, I want to hang it in the living room. Dad nodded his head, and Bev smiled.

The next day at school, I didn't talk to anyone. I did not participate in class discussions, and no one forced me to. Everyone kept asking how I was doing and if I needed to talk to anyone, they were there. I did not need to speak to any of them; I just needed to talk to my mom, who isn't here. Family activities became a drag, and I spent most of my hours home in my room. I was avoiding conversation at all costs, ignoring my phone calls. I thought to myself. Why won't they leave me alone. The remaining days of school flew by quickly, and before I knew it, I had one more day till graduation. The last period of the day was spent discussing plans after graduation, who will attend, etc.; well, they discussed. I just stared out of the window, waiting for the school bell to ring.

``Oh Michelle, your dad says he is going to pick you up today. No need to ride the bus," Ms. Markham informed me. I just nodded my head. The bell rang, and I grabbed my bag and bolted out the door. I hopped into my dad's car and closed my eyes.

`` I guess you don't want to talk about school then, huh."

I did not respond. I could feel him staring at me. I felt the car begin to move. We sat in silence for the ride. As soon as we got home, I flew out of the car and bolted to my room. I was not giving Bev the chance to try and talk to me. As I ran in, I could see my painting of mom hanging in the living room. Tears began to fill my eyes; I ran into my room and closed the door. I had sunk to the floor. I hate you, mom; I hate you. I thought to myself. Why was I all alone?

Tomorrow is graduation, and you are supposed to be there. The night couldn't come fast enough.

I woke up before everyone else. I opened my room door and hollered.

`` I don't want to be late; I want to hurry up and get this day over with. "Dad smiled when he saw me come down the stairs, but my face was like a statute, I was so over this day, and it just began. He asked if I wanted to take a few pictures, I nodded. After he was done, he handed me the keys, ``You can drive if you want." Bev had that fake smile plastered on her face again.

``Thanks," I said, taking the keys. I got my license a few months ago, but I never asked to drive, and Dad never asked me if I wanted to drive. The car ride was silent. Graduation was long and tedious when they called my name, and I stared into the crowd. A horrified expression crept across my face. The seat where my mom should have been sitting was empty, but it was still labeled. I think my dad and sister noticed I was staring at the chair. Bev looked towards the chair and then looked back at me; she had that fake smile on again. I turned and ran off the stage. At first, I would run home, but then I remembered I still had the car keys. I ran to the carport and drove home. I ran into the house. I looked at the picture and screamed `` I hate you" I ran to the kitchen draw and grabbed a knife. I ran into the living room and stared at the picture.

``I hate you. Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me" I grabbed the painting off the way and began to stab and rip it apart? After my raged frenzy, I fell to the floor. I looked around and looked at the mess I made. My mother's face was ripped to shreds. I started crying.

``I am sorry, I didn't mean it," I wailed as I tried to piece it together to no avail.

``I don't want to be alone, I want to be with you, you left me, why did you have to go. "I sobbed, somehow the knife was back in my hand. I knew what I had to do. ``Mom, you must be lonely; maybe you are as lonely as me," I said calmly. I pointed the knife to my stomach.

`` Wait for me."

I heard the front door open, and I plunged the knife into me. I toppled over and watched as my blood seeped all over the painting and the floor. I could hear Bev and Dad even though they sounded distant. Maybe Bev will have that fake smile on her face, and perhaps she will say I went to a better place.

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NicoJay

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