Dear Xylo

Dear Xylo is an advice column published weekly. Xylo is an expert at nothing, yet answers questions on every topic. Sometimes he is spot on and other times he's dead wrong - that's the chance you take with Dear Xylo.

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Dear Xylo,

I am a 26 year old lady who recently graduated from university. I am conflicted because my boyfriend of seven years has been dropping hints about getting married.

I want to focus on my career as a CPA and get that going. My boyfriend is a bartender in a popular nightclub and with tips he brings home over $2,000 a week. He has a good paying job and all I want to do is have a chance to get my foot in the door at a career.

What should I do?

Not Ready For Marriage

Dear Not Ready,

As you signature says you are NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE. You better make that clear to your man. This isn't the 1950s where the man controls everything. Women have rights these days. So before you end up barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen cooking tomatoes and beef stew and clipping his toenails before bedtime you better lay down the law and let him know who wears the pants in your relationship.

If communicating doesn't work then you should burn all his pants and replace them with mini skirts and high heel shoes. He should get the message then. If not - then it's time to dump the dude.

Good luck.

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Dear Xylo,

I have been locked up in this dark closet for 17 years. My parents locked me up when I was two years old because they said I was flirting with the maid and wouldn't allow it.

The maid has been sneaking into the closet with me for the past three years and now she is pregnant.

How do I tell them that #1 I was not flirting with the maid when she fed me my bottle. #2 I want out of the closet. #3 The maid is pregnant.

Trapped in the Dark

Dear Trapped,

It looks like #1 and #3 cancel each other out because if you weren't flirting with the maid in the first place she wouldn't be pregnant with your baby right now. Shame on you for flirting with the maid when she was trying to do her work. You deserve your punishment. Shame on you for not thinking this through. You probably don't have a job having been locked up in the closet all these years. How do you plan on supporting the baby? And if it's a boy you better keep him away from the new maid.

As for asking to be let out of the closet. I would forget about that. You need to do another five years and maybe grow up a little. Write to me again in five years and we will discuss this again.

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Dear Xylo,

I want to make my mom some chicken soup for her birthday. Do you have a good recipe?

Chicken Soup for the Mom

Dear Chicken Soup,

Bock, bock, bock, bock... sorry couldn't help it.

Yes, I do have a wonderful recipe. First you will have to visit your local grocery store to buy the necessary items.

You won't need much depending on how many people you intend on serving along with mom. Let's just say for a party of five you will need three 18.6 oz cans of Campbell's Chunky Healthy Request Chicken Noodle Soup. Grab a box of Saltine crackers and you've got it made - instant meal - instant birthday party.

The soup is made with antibiotic free chicken and enriched eggs noodles for a hearty soul-warming flavor.

Personally, I find Campbell's Chunky Healthy Request Chicken Noodle Soup to be better than homemade soup - well simply because I don't have to deal with the fuss and mess of making it from scratch. I just simply grab a can opener and open the can, pour it in a bowl and nuke it in the microwave and there we go, the dancing and partying gets going.

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Dear Xylo,

How do I clean a red wine spot from my beautiful white shag carpet I have had in my home since the 1970s.

Distressed in Seattle

Dear Distressed,

I have two suggestions.

First... tear out that old smelly shag carpet. I mean who has carpet in their house anymore.

Come on Distressed it's time you kept up with the Joneses or the Kaylors or the Gordons or the Rodriguezes. Get rid of that dust trap and replace it with a nice brand spanking new luxury vinyl tile (LVT). It is soft and warm under the foot and looks like a real hardwood floor. The good thing is if you spill something on it, like red wine, it's easy to clean and it's waterproof. You just cannot go wrong with it.

Now, if you don't want to go through the hassle and expense of installing a new floor. The next best thing is to take a drive to your local Home Depot (make sure to say hi to Roxana) and buy yourself a cheap throw rug ($69 to $159) and just throw it right over that nasty red wine stain. Problem solved easy-peasy!!! 🙂

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That's it for today folks. Please keep those letters coming. I get about 5,000 letters a week and I usually answer four or five so there's a good chance I will never open or read your letter. But that's okay, keep on sending them - it's good for my ego and it makes me feel like I am contributing to the better good of society. Thank you and I will see you next week.