Daily Woes Of The Hopeless

From that little rectangle in your hands, a window to a wretched plane of existence; the enthralling moanings of the multi-headed siren, a cute face for all your types.

Their faces, forever deformed by the rictus of laborious pleasure, their mouth, evermore sucking and spitting and licking.

Day and night, afternoons and evenings, from your early morning at 13h to your timely nap at 15h... Your eyes, your mind, your body taken hold by that sexual monster, by LUST insatiable; your hand, up and down, up and down, seeking forever more the gushing fruit, tricking the body, tricking the mind..

And what once was thunderous, ecstatic release is now more akin to a wet puddle splash, leaving behind only a vague sense of relief, a sticky mess, an unpleasant smell yet a vague sense of reward, for indulging in this all-encompassing delusion.. Disgust never crosses your mind, nor does the idea of change, curiously enough.

[...] but the truth of it is, I don't need other people... They drag me down, they impede me, jealous of who I really am [...]

These so-called friends [...] ganging up on me, telling me I have to change. Who do they think they are? As if there is only one way to live life, and -

Ha! Look at these little people, hurrying up to work, for their slave wage.. This, rat race, these, phony coworkers, and the boss-man. At least I am free.

I get up, stretching, after throwing on the ground all these used tissues, quite a pile by now. The sunlight creeps in from the curtains, that I adjust, mumbling to myself, how can I sleep like that.

In the dark, I can't see how disgusting the toilet is. In the dark, I sit there shitting, my mind filled with the countless bodies of women I conquered, these countless images of tits and asses and all that appearing unconsciously. I wipe and look at myself in the mirror, amidst the stains and droplets of who knows what. My uneven beard and silly hair make me laugh, oh to another day of absolute freedom.

I'm hungry but I don't feel like cooking, anyway the sink is full of dishes. I order some food... 42$, well might as well add something and make it an even 50$. I open my computer and stare at the few games I play, looking at the delivery app. Why is it taking so long?

I'm such a great customer, I must spend hundreds of dollars every week on deliveries, why don't they prioritize me?

...

Ah, I fell asleep. My food has been delivered for a moment now. I get up and put on whatever pants is laying around, and this one comfortable shirt I always wear. I push away the empty take-out boxes and paper bags and open the door, yet the sound of my neighbors stop me in place; I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone...

I stand there, waiting for them to go away, but they're talking and laughing... Go away! After a few minutes of waiting their door shuts, and I hurry out to grab my food. The idea of spending some time outside cross my mind, but I see a few clouds and decide otherwise. If it's not perfect weather, why bother.

Back at my computer, I can eat in peace at last. Damn, they forgot my extra sauces, and didn't even give me a straw for my drink. Customer service, as I lather my burger with ketchup. On the monitor, some nostalgic review of a game I used to play, 2h11 minutes long, going in depth about every detail, praising it of course.

Nice, they apologized and gave me a 7$ credit for my next order. That'll teach them. But I freeze once again, someone is knocking at my door? Heart racing, I wait, hoping they go away. They knock again! I get up, hurrying to grab all the damn garbage and throw it all away, I open the door slightly but the person is gone. Who would even bother to come to see me?

Who the fuck was it?

I breathe out. It's crazy, I can't even relax in peace. My stomach full, the vague idea of lust calls me again, and once again I spent maybe an hour and a half, looking and searching, for this one video that would hit the spot...

The phone, the tissues, the sigh of relief, the nap, the filth, the misery, no, the MISERY, barely hidden behind this thin veil of delusion, the excuses of depression, of anxiety, of just being tired of everyone and everything.

At least here, alone in my room, I'm free to be myself, and do whatever I want.

For what potential I once had has been wasted, so there is no point to try anymore. I can't succeed anymore, I missed my chance.What would my so-called friends and family think of me, now...

No, this life is enough for me. I'm alright! Anyway, I can always just get a new job, once I feel like it. Maybe I'll start working out from home, and stop getting deliveries so much. Yeah, I can get back on track anytime I want, I just need time to rest, maybe another year or so.

6 years later. Or is it 7?

I don't even know what day it is. All I know is I've started going for a walk outside once a week.

Progress!

I am proud of myself, maybe I'll find the energy to do some cleaning this month. I reach for my phone, and the tissues, and that damn multi-headed siren, remember that monster? She reaches out and kills me at last, unceremoniously,

farewell, I die,

covered in food crumbs, filth, crusty semen and at last;

The shame of a depraved human being, that came one last time, on time, unto a timely death, and weeks from now the terrible smell would alert a neighbor to the discovery of the hopeless, the discovery of your infernal sins, shining bright for all to see,

yet even in death you dream of lust, gluttony and lazyness, forever consumed by shame, and the knowledge that everyone around you cared deeply for you, and were mortified to hear of the circumstances of your end.

Weeping and prayers.

More than a few asked, ''why?''

and in death you weep all the more for you don't even know why you betrayed yourself so intently, so passionately,

and in death you weep, for you don't even know why you threw your life away, if only you could try again!!!

the end