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Curing The Silence

Everything Is Not What It Seems

By Blue DymondPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 8 min read
1
Curing The Silence
Photo by jisoo kim on Unsplash

Things weren’t always as they seemed, Johnny thought as he stared out the window at the angry dark clouds and pouring rain.

His heart was heavy, and his mind was boggled as he turned from the window to walk back to the bed where he should have been sleeping with his wife, Sandy. It was going on five am which officially made it the fourteenth. The day that he’d learned to love and hate every month.

Looking down at the empty space where Sandy should have been, Johnny smiled through watery eyes as he thought about their happy times. The day they met, the first art project they'd sold together, their first date, and more importantly their wedding day.

Ten years, that’s how long since they'd promised forever to each other. It was how long since he’d vowed, he'd give her anything and everything that she asked for as long as she promised to remain by his side.

Everyone thought that they were crazy to get married in their second year of college, but he'd known she was the one since he'd met her on their first day of high school.

She was the beautiful, intelligent, sunshine who brought warmth to anyone in her presence. She was all laughter and high spirits while everyone else walked around nervous and timid in the unfamiliar environment.

He was the quiet brooding type who kept to his self with his sketch pad glued to his side. Their mutual love of art is what had connected them together in the first place and the joined passion fueled their friendship throughout the years, until he finally decided to ask her out right before they moved away to college.

The memory caused a deep heartache that he couldn’t seem to articulate into words. One thought standing higher than all the others was that she could've done so much better than him.

His stomach clenched and his shoulders shook as he remained on the edge of the bed, throwing his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He couldn’t stop his body from shaking as he cried, trying to remain as silent as possible while his emotions tried to force their way from the depth of his soul where he'd kept them hidden for the last three years. He'd made promises that he couldn’t keep, and it was eating him alive. The guilt was so pungent to him that he felt as if he could taste it.

To everyone else it was her fault. To them he was completely blameless and was the perfect man for being so patient with her. They didn’t know the deep-rooted sense of failure that he felt every time that she smiled at him or told him that she loved him. They didn’t understand the feeling of defeat that assaulted him whenever they received bad news over and over and over again.

He looked behind him once again, the empty space causing bile to raise in his throat. For the first time he feared for their marriage. He just knew that eventually she would get sick of him and leave.

She had never given him any reason to feel the way that he did. She was always positive, always supportive no matter what happened and it had been one of the things he'd loved about her. She’d smile and promise that everything was okay and that she was happy. However, he couldnt help but feel that eventually he'd lose her and he knew it would be entirely his fault.

All of his friends always congratulated him on finding such a gem like Sandy. To them they had the perfect relationship and would never split. However, everything wasn’t as it seemed. He wanted to tell them how he had broken his promises and couldnt truly make her happy. He wanted to reveal to them how he was supposed to be able to provide everything for her and he was failing month after month. How the happy smile on her face that she wore for friends and family hid the problems they faced.

Laying back in the bed he looked up at the ceiling wondering if she'd continue with him even if he couldn’t give her everything that she wanted. He technically wasn’t living up to the expectations that she had set for her ideal marriage.

She didn’t ask for much and did whatever she could to make it so that she helped him accomplish his dreams. Without her he would still be interning and dreaming instead of putting his passions to action. All she asked for in return was his love, devotion, and a family.

Jumping up he stumbled out of their room and into the one next to theirs. His heart sped up in excitement and ached in fear all at the same time as he took in the brown painted trees and white barn owls sitting on the branches. He smiled sadly at the orange foxes sleeping beneath the trees as fall colored leaves fell around them.

When they’d decided it was time to start a family they had been beyond excited. The first few months were spent painting the nursery and buying all the furniture and décor. Sandy had chosen the wildlife theme saying that it was gender neutral and would work for a boy or girl.

They’d thought that it would be a quick process and that they’d have a baby baking in a few months but as month after month passed and negative tests started to pile up, they realized that something was wrong. What he didn’t expect was that something was him.

They’d said that his low sperm count wouldn’t make it impossible to have a child just that it would take a little longer. They’d walked out smiling and laughing thinking of how lucky they were that it was something small and how the extra time will just allow them a chance to pile up on everything they’d need.

That extra time was now going on three years. Three years of negative tests and hope shattered. Three years of taking supplements and avoiding everything. Three years of hearing family and friends absently questioning when they would have a child without a thought to their feelings. Three years of testing on the fourteenth day of each month.

He walked over and sat in the rocking chair next to the bookshelf filled with books that they’d picked out over the years. He hoped that one day he’d be sitting in the same spot while holding his child. He hoped that they’d eventually be able to put the nursery to use. That the silence that enveloped them would finally be cured.

He heard her footsteps before she walked into the room a small smile on her face. Opening his arms, he smiled back at her as she glided into the room and sat on his lap. Wrapping his arms around her waist he laid his head on her shoulder and pulled his self together so that he could do what he did best, be strong with her through the process.

Gone was the look of sadness and the stench of grief. He rocked them back and forth for a moment as they sat in silence waiting for the timer in her hand to go off.

“No matter what I love you,” she whispered cupping his cheek.

She told him the same thing each month and each time he believed her a little more. He loved that she was supportive through it all. He loved that she never showed anger or dissappointment just unyielding faith that one day they'd get the results they were waiting for. Wrapping his arms tighter around her waist he just held her hoping and praying that this time was it.

The timer went off invading the moment of silence. She stood slowly and made her way back into the master bedroom to check the results. After she was gone, he took a moment to gather his self, allowing his shoulders to drop and his anxiety to creep in once more before hiding it deep beneath the surface.

Standing up he slowly made his way into their bathroom only to find her sitting on the floor sobbing into her hand. Gone was his happy ray of sunshine who leaked positivity and joy. His heart cracked and his hope shattered into a million pieces as he thought that he'd finally diappointed her. That this month was her breaking point.

Sliding down next to her he pulled her into his lap and rocked her feeling the guilt and shame surfacing all over again.

“It was all worth the wait,” she sobbed heavily holding out the blue and white test to him, "I told you that it would happen."

He didn’t understand what he was looking at as he grabbed the stick from her. His heart was pounding, and his emotions were running high which wouldn’t allow his brain to retain what he was seeing.

“It’s positive. Its finally positive” she cried excitedly.

He couldn’t help his own tears as relief flooded through him all at once causing the test to drop from his hands.

"We finally did it," he thought in shock.

For the first time he broke down in front of his wife letting her see every emotion that he’d buried for the last three years.

The emotional shock of it all had them sitting on the bathroom floor for over an hour before they were calm enough to stand again.

They made their way to the nursery absently as if they would see it in a new light. Standing at the open door with her pulled close to his side, Johnny smiled. They would finally cure the silence and he would finally fulfill his promises.

Short Story
1

About the Creator

Blue Dymond

A little bit of everything from Psyche, to fiction, to poems. Come take a look around, we're all friends here!

Instagram: @thatgirlbluedymond

Facebook: Blue Dymond

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