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Critter Bullwackers

A short tale about monkey wrenching, animal rights and a great kiss

By Chris AlveyPublished 2 years ago 8 min read
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Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

“Hello!”

“Hello! Can anybody hear me”

I must have screamed that a hundred times. My body hurt my mind is muddle. Something heavy is holding me, incasing me, pulling me down. It’s dark I think I’m in a hole.

“Hello!”

“Hello, can someone help me!”

For the life of me I can’t figure out how I got here. The last thing I remember was having drinks at a party.

“No it was a gathering for some animal rights group.”

What am I in? Some kind of sludge, it’s thick and heavy, smells like ammonia.

“Critters Bullies no Bullwackers, Critter Bullwackers that was the name of the group.” How do I always get my self into these situation and how am I’m going to get myself out of this one.

I think I can feel the bottom but it so deep. My head almost goes completely under but I can just touch the bottom with my toes. The sides I can feel, they're corrugated or ribbed like the sides of a barrel.

I reach out and palm both sides of my cylindrical tomb and start to rock violently, trying to get it to move. First a small shake then it rocks one more jolting blow. It starts to tips slowly at first then all of a sudden much quicker. Then a bone jarring crash and the barrel tips over. Whoosh out I come, birthed from the barrel, sludge and all.

“What is this stuff, we’re am I?” I scream through the pain. “Arrrrarrr” it comes out muffled and slurred did i bit my tongue. I can taste the blood and the ammonia.

The sludge is everywere. “Hello!” I call out again.

I stumble to my feet and try not to slip on the floor, made slick from the putrid slim. Feeling my way along, hands out stretched not wanting to bump into anything I reach a wall.

I remember there was a girl last night what was her name? She invited me to that gathering of strange misfits. Melodie or Mandy, or something like that. Not sure, I think I drank way too much.

I grope along the wall to the left for what seems like a long time the wall is smooth and flat, no doors, nothing.

I think I remember them talking about some kind of a sneak attack, some kind of processing facility.

“Chickens or something.”

I finally come to a door buts it big like an over head garage door. I can’t feel any kind of knob or clooser. “How does this thing open?”

I think I Remember here kissing me. “The kiss “ long and slow with a playful little nip on my lip at the end. “She bit me” that’s were the blood on my lip came from. Man what a first kiss.

I can hear what sounds like a cocktail party on the other side of this door. “Somebody help me I’m locked in here” I say while banging on the door. Sounds of the cocktail party instantly go quiet. I yell and bang some more. No one comes.

After a while the celebratory sounds of the party returns. I wonder if she is out there. “I wish I could remember last night, I sure would like to kiss her again”. I continue on past the door feeling high and low. A few feet past the door I find a series of buttons and switches. In my haste I start flipping, turning, switching and pushing.

Out of now we’re all these machines come to life, “oops” lights burst on with a hot white light blinding me. Leaving me seeing hazy tracers and stars. The garage door comes alive and grinds open. “Chickens” the cocktail party was a warehouse full of chickens in cages. A conveyer belt down the middle of the room moving cages with thousands of chickens down the line through the doors and dumping them into a big metal hooper.

Maybe the kiss wasn’t that good “who am I kidding it was great” I can still taste the blood. As my eye cleared I can see the chain reaction I started. All those chickens are going to die. From the cage to the hopper. Feather flying, squawking and screaming. I quickly scan the buttons and switches for the big red button.

The kill switch. I find it and in my haste I start pounding it with my fist trying to get it to stop. This just makes it turn on and off, as if the chickens in the hopper are in a pulsating blender. I finally calm down enough to realize I need to hold the button for the chicken machine to stop.

I look around while I catch my breath and the memory of the evening comes rushing back. like getting hit in the frontal lobe with a ball ping hammer. “Ahggg not again”

I remember now, taking drink after drink from the servers. Trying to get up the nerve to kiss her “Brook” that was her name. Oh yea she and her friends were going on about how cruel and inhuman a facility was that processed chickens into nuggets, wings and pink slim.

“Oh my god” is that what I am covered in pink chicken slim. I am afraid to look down. “ it is chicken slim” I scream through bouts of gagging.

Brook was saying “ they take those poor chickens dump them in a machine that plucks their feathers, mechanically separates them into parts and turns everything else into a pink slim that goes in everything from the nugget to the hot dogs.

“I can fix that” I hear my self say “Just throw a monkey wrench into the machine it’ll come to a screeching halt.”

“How do you do that and what’s a monkey wrench.” She ask me.

“It’s a term, a philosophy a away of life” I hear myself saying (channeling my inner Abby.) “Screw up the machine, the operation, the plan. Just monkey around with it and bring it all down.”

“How do suppose we do that?”

“It’s a machine drain the oil, loosen some bolts, cut the power, free the chickens”

“ You can do that.” She asks me with her big brown eyes

“let get one more drink and we’re off” I say while I’m thinking to myself you're a sucker she just played you. Thinking back I should have backed out right after that amazing kiss. I probably would have to, if not for the nibble, it really caught me off guard.

So now I'm walking down the hill towards the facility. Wanting to look back to see if she’s still watching but not wanting her to see Me turn. I climb the fence and start looking for away in. I find it soon enough. A side door with an overflowing ashtray is left unlocked. I try the door and notice some one has tapped the door striker open so it won’t lock. “Now that’s lucky”

I sneak a quick peek up the hill as I enter she still there watching. “Now what” I say as the door shuts and complete darkness envelopes me. I take a few steps forward the floor falls out from underneath me “Aggggggggg!!!!” I yell

I stepped right into the bits and pieces shoot, banging my head on the way down knocking me out cold. It emptied me right into a barrel of slimy, sludgy, slaughter. I Remember right before I lost consciousness thinking what a kiss.

“Ok now what are you going to do genius” as I try desperately to come up with a plan. “Run away thats a plan” I say to my self. “No you can’t do that, think, the chickens, release the chickens start with the ones in the hopper first”

I run to the hopper and start searching for a way to open it. Around the other side there is a clean out access panel. I open it and out comes gallons upon gallons of pink sludge. Covering me again in the putrid slim.

But then, one after another, chickens start hoping out of the hole and pecking around the facility. “The cages” I said to my self and dash into the warehouse and start unlocking cage after cage. I get as many as I can when I reach the end of the warehouse I open the big bay doors and start shoeing the chickens out. “I don’t have time for this! The machines”

I run back to the machine saying to my self “I am so going to get caught”. Next to the control panel their is a tool box so I grab it and starting at the hopper I cut every hose I can find. I loosen bolts and throw big handfuls pink slim in all the electric motors I can find. Down the line I do this to the entire assembly line when I get to the end I look around and spot the propane tanks.

“Agh hell why not” I open the valves of the propane tank. I walk back to the front of the line to the controls, wiping slime and hydrolock fluid from my hands. I throw the tool box open into the hopper and start the machine. “That will bring it down”

I ran as fast as I can through the warehouse to the doors. I trip over chickens While trying to shoe the last ones out the door. I get up to the sound of grinding metal and seizing motors. I look out the door and see her standing there on the hillside were I last saw her and I remember the kiss. I stand up and walk out the door and stroll across the yard like nothings happened. Be hind me there are alarms and whistle going off chickens everywhere and I’m just thinking about that kiss. Already forgot that I just released enough propane to relocate this facility to a new zip code. Then it happens I felt the heat on my back before I heard and felt the explosion. Next thing I know I’m flying through the air with my pants on fire.

Then she’s there by my side. Slapping my tender ass and kicking dirt on me to put out the fire. Not quite the reunion I was expecting. “I liked the kiss better” I said as I slipped into darkness again.

Adventure
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