Creator Mode

My period is two days late.

Even during my most stressful times of my undergrad and master’s courses, I was never late. In fact, I was early. How insane is that? Stressed? Early period. Traveling? Early period. Sneezed too hard? Early period.

But now, my body wants to play games.

The last time I was late, I had a positive test. And then about four days later, I was in the ER being told that I had a false positive.

I asked how it was possible to take three different tests, different brands, and come back positive on all three. The ER doctor seemed flustered as I questioned his insensitivity and admitted that it could be a possible chemical pregnancy. When I reached out to by OBGYN, he confirmed it was a chemical pregnancy and that I miscarried.

So the fact I'm late again has me worried. Could this be a false positive, or could this be...it?

I am feeling some slight cramping though. I wonder if that’s my period coming on.

Nope. Still no blood. Cool.

I wait until I’m four days late to buy a pregnancy test. I don't even bother to use the regular tests; I choose to buy the digital ones.

I want to avoid all the feelings I felt last time: the doubting, the questioning; "So could it be?", "Am I going crazy? Am I just seeing what I want to see?"

As much as I always wanted to be pregnant, I feel like this could be one of the worst possible times. We just PCS'd across the country. We're barely settled in. My husband is working a lot because he needs to qualify so I hardly ever see him.

And if I am pregnant, if my math is right...

I'm going to be alone when this baby comes.

But if I'm not pregnant, then it just reminds me that I still have to wait longer. And my husband would find every possible excuse to keep pushing back. And how he's going to be way more careful with sex because of this scare.

I need to stop spiraling. All this because of a late period.

But I still can't shake the feeling that something is different this time. Something in my psyche just feels off. I haven't been wanting to write, but rather I'm imagining my two main characters years into the future, settled, happy, expecting children of their own.

Why am I suddenly so obsessed with the idea of my main characters having babies? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

Alright, I can't keep doing this to myself.

Time to test.

Brush my teeth while the test is loading. Trying to keep my mind off things. What do I want to eat for breakfast? We leave in a few days for a weekend trip, I should start packing.

I should check if the feeder has enough food for the kitties, make sure their water bowl is clean. I should go make coffee, update my licensing packet so that I can send it in as soon as possible.

My husband just called to tell me that he needs to come back home and change for a ceremony, so I need to pull out his dress uniform and make sure it's not wrinkled.

Trying so desperately to keep my mind off the test. Everything is going to be okay no matter the resu- holy shit.

I’m pregnant.