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Cousin Yanqing: Over the years, the "desperate daughter" found a way out on her own

The "desperate daughter" found a way out on her own

By davidPublished 2 years ago 15 min read

During a break, I accidentally flipped through the WeChat Moments and found a song shared by my cousin I hadn't seen for many years. I didn't think much, just clicked on it, but I didn't expect that just the first few lyrics would hit my heart.

"Book to the people of my hometown. Twelve years of spring have passed, everything has flown by, and everything has been smooth and wasted. The road is longer than the years, and I can't say what I have in mind. Outside the bells and the setting sun, I am at a loss when I write, I only dare to ask how the spring breeze is..."

I was stunned, how is the spring breeze?

I looked at the WeChat nickname again, there were only two short words - Yanqing, this is her name.

In my opinion, a very beautiful "Yan" character, plus a very light "Blue" character, seems to imply a certain turning point of fate. But for her parents, they probably wished her "eternal youth and beauty".

But Wang Guowei said: "The most important thing is that I can't keep it in the world. Zhu Yan speaks from the mirror and the flower."

It has been fifteen years since we first parted. Fifteen years have passed, and we have all grown up. We have met two or three times for a short time. More often, we are busy in the sea of ​​people, and we cannot see each other's joys and sorrows.

But in my girlhood, Yanqing occupied a great weight. She was the most beautiful female star in my ordinary and boring childhood.

Yanqing is my aunt's daughter. This aunt, in my mother's words back then, is the best married among the four sisters. Even on weekdays, the golden rings and bracelets all over her hands are about to take her away. eyes dazzled. Her words were full of envy for her aunt.

Not only my mother, but even I am very envious, because Yanqing's princess dress is always full of tricks, and the dolls are always piled with bay windows.

The first time I saw Yanqing in my memory was probably when I was three years old. The adults were chatting in the living room. I was wearing gray clothes and huddled beside my mother, like an ugly duckling. Occasionally, I secretly glanced at Yanqing sitting on the sofa.

She is three years older than me, wearing a white princess dress, sitting between her aunt and uncle, with her skirt spread out on the sofa, smiling brightly, holding a doll in her arms, her long curly hair hanging down, matching the doll's long hair. The curly hair is entangled together, I can't tell for a while, who is more beautiful than the doll.

At that time, her bright big eyes kept following the talking adults, looking to the left for a while, and to the right for a while, and laughing with them from time to time.

As for me, I couldn't understand what the adults said, so I could only look at people secretly. But after looking at the bright and beautiful Yanqing for a long time, I felt more and more ashamed, so I simply hid behind my mother.

I don't know how long it took, I was leaning on my mother's back, staring at the shadow on the floor in a daze, when a burst of laughter broke out in the living room, my mother stretched out her hand and pulled me forward, I was caught off guard, This was exposed to the public.

Mother blushed and smiled, her voice was full of embarrassment, saying that I was a small child and could not be on the stage, and asked Yanqing to take me to play more. I looked up in a panic, the adults were all laughing, and Yanqing tilted her head and stared at me, as if she was looking at some strange visitor.

When I was young, my sense of shame instantly surged. I struggled to retreat and begged my mother to take me home, but the more I struggled, the more my mother wanted to show me in front of everyone. There is no table, so as long as you push me out, everything can be resolved.

In this deadlock, Yan Qing came like a fairy. She put the doll on the sofa, came over with the skirt, stretched out a hand and handed it to me, and said, "Sister, shall I take you to play?"

I lowered my eyes and looked at the hand in front of me. The complexion was white and almost transparent in the sun. There was a golden bracelet on my wrist. I didn't need to reach out and touch it to know that it was a pair of extremely soft and delicate hands because of pampering. , where can I compare with my hands that are scratching in the sand under the scorching sun, with mud between my fingernails.

I immediately shrank my shameless hand behind me, and lowered my head even lower in a gesture of refusal.

Yanqing paused the hand in front of me, and then took it away. I saw her pink leather shoes take a step back, then turned away, the skirt spun in a beautiful arc in the air, and then the sound of kicking and kicking went away.

My mother slapped me on the back and scolded in a low voice, "How did I teach you at home? It's useless!"

Tears welled up in my eyes, my back was hot, and my heart was full of grievances. Since I felt embarrassed, why did you want to bring me here?

Before long, the sound of the little leather shoes hitting the marble floor sounded again, and then stopped right in front of me. I raised my eyelids, and a long-haired Barbie appeared in front of me. Yanqing's voice sounded above my head: "Sister, shall we play Barbie together?"

Neither my ridiculous self-esteem nor the resentment of being taught by my mother just now would allow me to extend my hand to this gesture, but who can say no to a Barbie doll? I can't at the age of three anyway. So, my hand stretched out involuntarily and pinched the toes of the Barbie doll.

Later, it became more natural to be her little follower. We played games in the attic, smeared my aunt’s cosmetics written in foreign languages ​​on our faces, wrapped soft silk scarves around our bodies one by one, played with dolls in our arms, and talked about what we learned from TV shows. lines, and then laughing.

The dolls full of bay windows, and the princess dresses that are always fresh and beautiful, have become the background colors of my childhood, even if everything in this dream does not really belong to me. I even thought that this dreamy day was as long as summer and would never end.

But how is that possible?

I learned later, "No one is good without a thousand days, and a flower is not famous for a hundred days", and the aunt's family is also. It's hard to tell exactly when the accident happened, but everything arranged by fate must have a foreshadowing.

Since the constant quarrels in that big house, my mother stopped me from sticking to Yanqing. But just as I didn't listen to her that much when I was a kid, so was that time.

I sneaked into Yanqing's house while school was over. In fact, I don't remember much about what that day was like. I only remember one scene, because the atmosphere was too tense and oppressive.

That evening, the setting sun poured into the living room that used to be full of laughter and laughter from the door, dyeing everything yellow, and the sofa in the living room and the coffee table were occupied by several tall men with fierce faces, sitting in the middle of them. With a very beautiful woman, she kept crying and saying that her uncle had lied to her.

I looked carefully, my uncle was not there, only my aunt was sitting on the corner chair, the one my mother used to sit on. She turned her head and looked at the ground with a tired look on her face. Even the gold jewelry on her hands seemed to be covered with dust, without a trace of light.

I hid under the window, I couldn't see Yanqing's figure, and I didn't dare to walk through the living room in a grand manner. I could only wait under the window. When I couldn't wait any longer, I finally turned back home three steps at a time.

Not long after that, my mother told me that my uncle had made a big mistake, so my aunt's family was going to another city. I asked her what her uncle did wrong, she shook her head and told me that children should not ask too much, but her expression and tone were full of contempt and contempt.

I asked again, "What about cousin Yanqing?"

Mother was busy for a while, sighed, and said that she had already obtained her junior high school diploma, so she stopped studying. After she finished speaking, she went into the kitchen, leaving me stunned.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I can't figure out what "don't read" means. If you don't read, what can you do?

I have waited about two years for the answer to this question. In the summer vacation of my second year of junior high school, on a very ordinary day, Yanqing and my aunt came back.

There was no sign of them on the day they arrived, and I didn't know anything about it, so I climbed into bed early, until late at night when I was sleepy, I heard my aunt's voice in a trance, so I quickly got out of bed and opened the door to see that Yan Qing and my aunt. Standing in the living room, the two of them were each carrying an old suitcase, which was dusty.

In the past, when I was studying, I always felt that time passed slowly. Every day was the same, and everyone was the same. It can be seen that on the day I saw my aunt and Yanqing, I realized that time passed quickly or slowly, depending on what kind of life you lived.

Not to mention my aunt, even Yanqing seemed to have grown a few years older all of a sudden, and when she stood in front of me in a grey plaid shirt, she looked extraordinarily unfamiliar.

With a smile on her face, she handed me a flannel piggy doll and told me she knew I liked dolls and she made them herself.

That little pig doll is very ugly, with crooked eyes, many stitches on its body, and a messy color scheme, like it was sewn together with many discarded rags.

I didn't answer, she held my hand, pinched the pig's curled tail, pulled it back with force, and released her hand, the pig's tail began to shrink back slowly, and at the same time there was a brisk sound from her body. music. I just realized that it had a music box in its body.

I couldn't help but glanced at Yanqing's hand, the golden bracelet had long since disappeared, replaced by rolled up cuffs with raw edges, and the back of my hand that covered my hand was a little black, not as white as before , the palm against the back of my hand is also very rough, the finger pulp is still covered with calluses, and it hurts a little when it is pressed against me.

I earned, she immediately withdrew her hand, and then gave a short laugh, leaving my tender hand holding a pen and nothing else in the air. I suddenly remembered that it was the same when I was three years old. She was the one who took back her hand, but it was me who was embarrassed and embarrassed.

After two or three days, the strangeness subsided, and Yanqing and I became intimate again. She told me that she worked in a toy factory and also learned how to use a sewing machine. She pointed to the Barbie doll by my bed and told me that when she was free, she would also design a few dresses for my Barbie doll.

I was jumping up and down on the bed with joy, and I didn't even want to sleep.

I think, even though she has changed, we are still the same together as before.

But it was different. From morning to night, we never played the game of Barbie dolls, nor did we wear clothes wrapped in silk scarves, and there were no cosmetics written in foreign languages ​​that could be applied to our faces.

She followed my aunt and looked at my mother's face, cooking, washing dishes, washing clothes, wiping the table, taking over all the housework that my mother was busy with while talking on weekdays, and talking about the happiness in their lives It made my mother laugh, and only at night, before going to bed, told me a story about the little princess.

Once again, I thought that this summer is long and the gathering will never end, but after just one month, my aunt left with Yanqing.

Before leaving, my mother looked at my aunt and asked her with red eyes how she had come to this point. My aunt also had red eyes and only said "everything is fate".

At that time, I didn't know what "everything is fate", and I didn't even know that there was a sentence "I can't help it". I grabbed Yanqing's clothes and didn't want to let go, but she just touched my head and told me to study hard, write to her later, and then go with my aunt forever.

Later, time seemed to speed up abruptly. I went to high school, went to college, looked for a job, changed jobs, and moved around in different cities. Many times, before I can confirm the direction, I have to pack my bags and get into the car in a hurry. When I get off the car, I realize that the road is blocked, and I have no room to return.

Although the arrogant dreams I once said when I was young have not been forgotten, in a tired life, they are like Barbie's skirts, which were annihilated in the time tunnel due to inopportune time.

I read a book before, and I have seen a word called "lost daughter". The first time I saw this word, I thought of Yanqing.

There was a time when I wanted to ask her what it was like to "grow up and wander, wake up and be a guest again", but then I thought to myself, these many years, who of us have not "lived separately at the beginning of the year and the end of the year"? ? So there is no need to ask anything, only silence.

Later, I saw Yanqing again. We met briefly two years ago at a relative's wedding. She is no longer the cramped girl she used to be when she secretly returned to her hometown.

Yes, after years of baptism, I gradually understand that when I felt embarrassed and embarrassed, Yanqing probably felt the same way.

On the wedding day, I saw that she was wearing a blue Hanfu with a jade bracelet on her wrist. She was standing among the guests. Although she was not ostentatious, she was also slim and bathed in light. And we only talked briefly after the wedding for three or two sentences, and then we parted because she was eager to leave, and we were separated again.

Now, when I listen to the singing on my phone, I think of the flannel piggy doll she gave me back then. It has a music box in its belly and will sing a brisk song when its tail is pulled up. What about in everyone's body?

Do you also have a music box of your own? I thought about it, there should be, so I sang along with it when the song sounded, "I only dare to ask how the spring breeze is".

So, how is the spring breeze?

I reached out and opened her WeChat profile picture, which was a selfie of her in Hanfu. I wondered for a while, when did she start to like Hanfu? Still like it? I don't know, I haven't followed her for a long time.

I opened her circle of friends again and saw that she had already set up her own Hanfu studio. The girl who used a sewing machine to make simple flannel dolls has already started to make more beautiful clothes, just like when we were young, we were in the attic Wrap a silk scarf to create different styles of skirts.

I remembered the saying in "Jurassic Park", "Life will find its own way", so Yanqing has already found her own way. Then one day, I will find my way too.

So don't worry, everything that should be in life will come one by one. If one day the music box in the body sounds, it must be an ordinary song in ordinary life.


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