Courage is a Coward

I wish it was simple, but somehow I overcomplicate things. My brain has opened 100 tabs, downloaded 50 documents, has 30 conversations open, taken 2,000 pictures, and is on 5% battery.

My programming has been set to panic, and my override isn’t working, so I sat there. I sat on the grassy hill, staring up at the stars, and thinking. Overthinking, as per usual.

“How can I handle this if I keep coming back to this. I’m getting nowhere. Everyone else in my class must be having such amazing lives. They must be traveling to all these amazing places, studying things that will change the world. And I’m here.” I finished my thought, hearing the sounds of the night rustling and hooting around me.

My hand played around with the key necklace my mother gave me, engraved with the words, “Have courage, my darling.” It was a beautiful vintage key passed down from one generation to the next.

“We can all leave our mark on our world, but only you can bring what’s in your heart.” Her thoughts came through like a whisper in the wind.

“What does that even mean, mom? Why can’t things just be simple. It’s like my manual was ripped, burned, and lost in transit.” I breathed a heavy sigh as my eyes closed. I felt the wind cool against my skin and it brought me back to my nightly walks holding onto my mother’s hand. We used to walk past an old rundown barn at the edge of the forest.

“One day you’ll discover the magic from within this barn. It will open your eyes and inspire your heart.”

“But mama, why can’t I know now?”

“The moment will come when it will be revealed to you. Have patience, my love. Your heart will know when it’s ready.” I sat up, staring in the direction of the barn. It was just across the bridge, but the darkness sent a shiver down my body.

“I have walked there so many times, rummaging through the old machinery and barrels of hay, but it was nothing out of the ordinary.” I squinted, wondering if I missed something.

“Maybe…” I sat up, walking forward toward the bridge. The dark silhouette of the barn stood eerily in the distance.

“I must have missed something.” Excitement bubbled up as my heart beat faster. I sped up in a half jog when I jumped at the site of a shadow in my peripheral. The toad jumped across my path as my excitement turned into slight fear.

“What am I doing?” I stopped in my tracks and looked at how far the barn seemed now. I turned back, but I was even farther from the bridge. My breathing quickened as my head started to spin from the panic.

“I can’t do this. I can’t.” I stood in my place, frozen and frustrated.

“What is wrong with me?” A tear started to roll down my cheek, but I shook my head and kept moving on. The tears dried up against the chill of the air by the time I made it to the barn. I didn’t dare look back, so I wiped my nose before taking the solar light on the outside of the barn.

The barn creaked like a disgruntled old man as I pushed it’s big doors open. I held my breath, scanning it from left to right. The slight hope turned to disappointment as I realized that there was nothing different. There was stacked up hay to the left and some rusting machinery to the right.

I walked in, pushing over one of the hay barrels with my foot. It thumped over lazily before I sat on it, staring at the overgrown vines that covered the entire back wall of the barn.

I had pushed and moved every barrel and machine. When I was little, and could still fit, I used to crawl under the tractor and look for hidden passageways.

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “Alright, last ditch effort.” I looked at the ladder across from me and decided to scale it up to the beams.

“Don’t break…” I whispered as I felt the wood bend slightly with each footstep.

“Ah!” My foot slipped as I gripped the ladder hard. My heart beat against my chest, but I held on tight, realizing that the solar light fell to the floor.

“What the heck am I doing?” I pushed myself up to the edge of the beam, looking down at the fallen light.

“Seriously!” I yelled down toward the light, trying to see how much I could still see.

“Stupid light.” I mumbled as I threw my head into my hands. “What is the purpose of this, really? I’ve gone crazy. Ugh, enough of this. Let’s go.” I finally looked up and set my foot on the first rung when a shimmer lit up against my peripheral.

I looked toward the vines and tilted my head toward the shimmer. There was something back there.

“How have I not thought to look back there?” I rushed down quickly and ran to the edge. I pulled the vines back and started to reveal a stone wall.

“Weird. Why is there stone here?” The more I revealed, the easier it was to see the engravings etched deep into the stone. My fingers ran across the rough, cool stone as they landed at an empty hole in the middle.

“What?” I started to think, just as my hand rushed to my necklace. I hesitated before putting it in, countless fears and worries cycling through my mind. I felt the panic, and pulled back.

“What am I doing? I have no idea what is back there. Maybe I don’t need to know…” I stepped back from the wall, staring at it.

“No, I want to.” There were no other words left. I had no argument. I wanted to do it, so the key went in and I was able to push through the secret entrance as it led below ground. I followed the glowing walls no longer hesitating, as it went deeper in.

The walls glowed from within, illuminated through a translucent and opalescent stone.

“Wow.” My hands felt the warm heat pulsing through the stone as I made my way through the winding path toward a clearing of an underground cave. The opening in the ceiling revealed the full moon as it illuminated a bonsai tree in the middle of an island.

My gaze shifted to the glowing pink flowers pulsating with energy that came from the roots. At the edge of the front branch hung a curious letter.

“I’ve heard the legends, but it’s real. And to think I almost didn’t come. I almost ran away from something so miraculous.” I made my way to the letter and recognized my mother’s wax seal.

“I smile as I write this because I can see the courage you will grow into. You are now a guardian that has the power to make a difference. There are people and creatures out there that will need the power of the tree of life. You are ready, my love. Let your passion and desire be greater than the fear of what it takes to get there. That will be your courage. Now follow the stars…” I stood there, touching her writing so slightly.

“You’ve always been so dramatic, mama.” I smiled as I looked up at the stars.

“How can I just be a guardian just like that?” I shook my head, looking around when I saw the reflection in the pool around the island.

“Follow the stars…” I saw the sign below the reflection of the sky and knew I must go there.

“What else is out there that I’ve been missing out on? What do you want me to see?” I stepped forward toward the edge of the island. I always thought that my mother’s courage meant to never be afraid. Have the courage to face things head on and attack no matter what, but I was always afraid.

My courage is a coward. It over-thinks and panics. It cries and wants a hug. It takes the hard road with all the bumps and curves. But no matter what, with all it’s fear it moves forward.

So even though my courage is a coward, it’s on a long journey to the most amazing places.

“Let’s see where we go next.” I smiled, nerves shaking me from inside as I stepped toward my unknown future.