Cosmo

“Cosmo.. Your name is - Cosmo…”
Dirty, viscous, sticky air. Sand flying in the wind.

Everything seems yellow. Everything IS yellow. Is that the thought that you wanted to die with? 

Leaving you in the mirage of the melting asphalt, the further I go, the more of a memory you become.
Real. Ever real. You’ve never been as real as you are now, being dead.

Nebraska. Alaska. Nevada. Thrown everywhere by life.  Never a home to come to, only a house.

I found you in Reno, your head in the cloud, your mind electric from snow. A box of pills rattling in your purse, waiting to be used for the last time, in the room upstairs.
Once and for all, end it.
Identical mascara streaks on your cheeks like a personal camo, “pretending to be a regular girl, but not!”

What now?
Now your heart is racing, your mind is on fire, your face is numb, the voices are louder from within. The outside can’t shut up. Won’t shut up.

The red vinyl peels from your bare legs with a snap, slap, pinch. The room is waiting.
Motel’s neon blinking and buzzing, signaling the buzzing bugs of the desert.

Fuck.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Pills.. Heart palpitations. The heart is dancing in your chest. A skip, a jump. A pirouette. Your mind shows you that little girl in the ballet class, crisp tutu softly bounces. What was her name..?

Dark. The dark is long. Long road. Long walk. You walk the invisible tunnel in the darkness. You feel that the darkness stretches, as you move forward. The sides of the tunnel expand, not letting you touch, not letting you ground yourself. You can stay.. Or you can walk.
And you walk.

...Cosmo, whoever you were in those last moments. The infinite, the peaceful. The name is yours forever.