Confusion

Amanda watched, with mixed emotions, as her best friend, Jon, made his way up to her door. They had been friends for years, always remaining close, no matter who passed through their lives. Lately, as he helped her through this rough time, her feelings had grown so much they could be considered love.

Thinking about Jon, her mind returned to the man who had her whole heart. Amanda had fallen in love with Tim Brooks the first time she saw him. After dating for two years, he proposed, and she accepted. Shortly after, Tim was called into duty and had been missing for two years. Shedding a lot of tears during the day, she came to the realization that Tim was never coming back. Despite the time passing, she still spent most of her time waiting for Tim to come through the door or at least call. Amanda realized that she had to move on, but as she thought about it, she wasn't sure if tonight was the right time.

"Hi, Jon. I am glad that you are here," she smiled as she opened the door and moved aside to let him in.

"You are always glad to see me," he said before he whispered, "I just wish you would want me more."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. So, what are we going to do tonight?" Jon asked. To answer him, Amanda walked over to him and touched her lips to his. After a short kiss, Jon pulled away, shocked. He smiled, preparing to kiss her again. When he saw the panicked look in her eyes, he decided against another kiss.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I am not sure if I am ready for this." She paused and he felt his heart stop. Ever since he met Amanda, he had liked her. They had never become more than friends because the timing was always wrong. He silently thought that tonight might not be the best time either. "You know," she started again, "I can't keep doing this. I need to move on, even if I don't want to. He isn't coming back, is he?"

Jon took his time before answering. He saw the questions in her eyes. He knew that her heart belonged to Tim. She would never love him the same way if she could ever love him.

"Amanda, don't do anything that you don't want to or can't. I will be your friend, no matter what happens between us. If you want, the kiss will be forgotten." Amanda looked at him and smiled, knowing she had a great friend. Knowing what she had to do, she leaned in and kissed him again. After a slow kiss, their lips parted and their eyes met. Jon smiled and kissed Amanda on the forehead before pulling her close for a hug.

Amanda woke up the next morning and smiled at the man she was lying beside. She curled up closer and cried for a few minutes, knowing that there was no turning back. Jon woke up to her crying, and he kissed her on the cheek to reassure her. They both fell back to sleep, curled close. After that night, Jon moved slowly for Amanda. They enjoyed each other's company like always. Only now, they held hands and kissed occasionally.

About a month later, Amanda was sitting in the booth with her hand in Jon's when he noticed her go pale. He followed her gaze and saw Tim Brooks standing in the mall in his army greens, smiling at Amanda. Tears streamed down her face as she stared at the man she loved. She looked so torn between the two men in her life as she looked back and forth. Even though he did not want to, he pushed Amanda toward him. She ran to him and jumped into his arms. Jon couldn't look at them. Finally, he walked over to them, still hugging.

"Hey buddy," Tim said, unaware of the tension between Amanda and Jon. "It's nice to see you, even nicer to see my girl."

"Hi, Tim," he said. "Listen, Amanda, take all of the time to figure out what you want to do. Bye." With that, he walked away, never looking back.

"What did he mean by that?" Tim asked her, curious.

"Nothing," she said, still holding him tightly. Tim led Amanda to his parent's car and drove her to his house, where they could have some privacy. She followed him to his room, where they had spent so many hours cuddling on the bed. He laid down like he always did, and she curled up close. When he sat up to kiss her, she felt all of the love she had for him come back. She quietly started crying.

"What's wrong, love?" Tim asked.

"I missed you so much. I thought you would never come back. Each time the phone rang, I was convinced that it was you calling. Every time the door opened, I waited for you to walk in. And I had finally given up on you and tried to move on. Now you are back, and I am so confused," she rambled on.

"Why are you confused? I love you the same as always. You are the only reason I could keep going and knew that I had to get out of there alive. You alone kept me going. I love you so much."

"Well," she started," I don't want to hurt Jon. He has been here for me so much. And we just started dating this month. I know he loves me too."

"That shouldn't matter. The question is who do you love?" He looked at the woman he loved and saw the confusion in her eyes. Her answer confirmed what he saw in her eyes and knew in her heart.

"Well, I don't want to hurt anyone. You know that I love you so much. We were going to get married. I waited for you for two years, never giving up. I was just starting to get my life back on track without you, and then you show up again. But the truth was, I had my life on track. Jon and I had become more than friends, and now I don't know what to do. I don't even want to think about it."

"Maybe I should just take you home to let you think about it." He saw the panic in her eyes as he grabbed the keys. "What's wrong now, Mandy?"

"Nothing," she lied as she reached for him and pulled him close. She could not imagine losing Tim again, after all of this waiting. She looked into his eyes and saw the pain she was causing him. She decided not to think about it and just enjoy the fact that Tim was back. She kissed him on the lips will all of the passion that had been hidden since he had left. They kissed for a few minutes, and then Tim pulled her on top of him and made love to her. Tim tightly held her in his arms all night.

Amanda woke up late in the afternoon and knew her decision was made. The love of her life was sleeping beside her. They spent the whole day together, getting to know each other all over again, knowing that they belonged together. Tim took Amanda out to dinner, where he proposed again, and she gladly accepted. After all, she had spent two years, hoping and praying that this would happen, so her life would fall back into place.

Previously published in The Storyteller, a writers magazine. July, August, and September issue 2003.