Coffee Break

Names, figures, acronyms, and dates swam before his eyes. All so much meaningless chaff. So many lines of intricate code distilled into something his mortal eyes could breakdown and understand before reconstructing into new information.

Since lunch, his mind had slowly been growing calmer. Not empty, as it had been before, but calm. Serene, yet there was more to do. More that needed doing.

He threw a glance over to his second desk, the one that made his own into a functional L shape, and sighed at the length of his list. The amount of space taken up by taskings and deadlines with so few tiny checks making it seem as though he were trying to break apart Antarctica with a toothpick was daunting. Did he really have that much left to do? And still more to come down the pipe?

A bad habit gnawed at the back of his mind, one he had left in the previous year, one that he was determined to free himself from forever. It would not be easy, everyone who made the same mistakes he did said the same thing, it would not be easy to quit; but in this one thing he had faith in himself.

Had not a wise man once told him that he had the strongest won't of all time? It wasn't a matter of will, convincing him to achieve his goal, but rather convincing himself that he would not regress.

Pushing thoughts of that habit from his mind, he forced himself to remember what he had accomplished. This was another thing this new year had promised him, another thing he refused to fail. Looking at the positive, forcing himself to see only those things that brought contentment into his life. Well, he had to be honest with himself. Not only those things.

No light can exist without the dark to contrast against it. So he must acknowledge when things are going against his wishes, just as much as he must acknowledge when they are in his favour. He would not allow himself to slip any further into the pit.

The words at the top of the list swam into focus, as quickly forgotten as they were decoded. But it was that decoding that really mattered, wasn't it? The fact that he had to admit he had achieved something that day, a feat sometimes worthy of a celebration in itself.

Once each line of text was processed and forgotten, he focused on the check. The little jagged line of ink that marked a tasking complete. The tiny, frustratingly uneven lines that mean he was done with that, and on to the next.

Slowly, the dread was pushed back, but only so far. The night before had been rough, and the insomniac's lack of proper rest was playing havoc on his mind. Drowning out everything until nothing was left but the ringing hollowness of the miserable void.

Hanging in the centre of it, a nameless dread lingering just out of sight, he could only experience the pain, doubt, shame, regret, and misery. Nearly two decades of memory stretched out behind him, taunting his every thought with the 20/20 vision of hindsight. The unknown reaches of the rest of his life lay ahead, menacing in its shrouded uncertainties.

Not a void then. But rather a place between. An empty space that was not itself a vacuum, because there be dragons there. Hidden in the vast emptiness was pain, guilt, sorrow. Everything he wanted desperately to not be, everything he could not escape, everything... everything he feared he was.

Fatigue pulled at the corners of his eyes, trying to drag him down into a nap he was incapable of taking. Such was his lot, no matter how he tried, he had not taken a nap in twenty-three years. A terribly long time to have spent 18+ hours a day, every day, fully conscious. He shuddered at just the thought, despite having lived it for as long as he could remember.

A wayward glance at the clock told him two valuable pieces of information. It was still two hours until his 8-4 schedule sent him home, and his next meeting was a measly ninety minutes away. What to do with that ninety minutes? Not his job, certainly, that ship was still returning from wherever it had gone.

The bad habit crept back into his mind, whispering that it was so available. Telling him that everything would be alright if only be indulged, but he pushed it away. Not viciously, but with enough force to make it go and stay gone. It would be back, eventually, but he would push it away again and again until finally it fell quiet forever.

Should he fail, he had already forgiven himself. Changes are hard to make, after all, and he knew better than most exactly what his needs were. It was one of his greatest strengths and his greatest weaknesses, that knowing. Knowing what and who he was, whether or not he was ready to accept it, he still knew.

Remembering that he had not seen the sun, nor spent any reasonable time outside in days, he stood from his desk. Barely remembering to grab his ID and lock his computer, he strode purposefully to his locker and changed his old, school cardigan for a jacket more appropriate to the weather.

The merino and cashmere texture of the coat transfixed him for a moment. It’s gentle roughness and smooth feel under his fingers momentarily fascinating. He smiled to remember the bright Christmas Day years before when he had unwrapped this wonderful present.

Holding tight to the memory, he swung the coat around his shoulders and passed through the nearly empty floor to the front doors. Smiling at the guard as he passed through the security gate, he paused a moment to soak in the fresh, crisp air.

Winter had been slow in arriving this year, the snow coming later than it had in the whole of his memory. But it had finally arrived, and the feel of the air, just below freezing, was wonderful in his lungs. Blissful against his face as a wind blew gently down the street, carrying with it the lovely scent of a city on a quiet Monday morning, languishing in the fresh dusting of snow.

His smile remained in place as he wandered slowly towards the shop. Just because he had left a habit dangerous to his health behind, that didn’t mean he needed to abandon all the things that gave him joy. He smiled for that first taste of the treasure at the end of the short walk, smiled for the sun and the snow and the wind, smiled for the first time in days at the sheer joy of being.

All too soon, to his way of thinking, he passed into the building and slowly climbed the stairs. A smile met him from a pretty girl behind the counter, and he returned a genuine one of his own. They had never met before, might never meet again, but for a moment her smile grew brighter at his own.

”May I have a mocha, please,” he asked, the words flowing easily, like water down a gentle river.

She smiled again and handed over the machine before turning away to pour his coffee. The owner, who was sitting on a nearby chair, called his attention and they chatted for a few minutes until the smiling girl behind the counter called softly to him.

For a long moment he admired the lovingly crafted heart she had formed from foam in his cup before taking it in his hand and savouring the first wonderful sip. The best coffee he had ever had came from this place, and that day’s was a step above the rest.

In that moment, he was able to forget the abandoned habit. To live fully in the now. To enjoy the simple pleasure of a warm, creamy, chocolaty coffee prepared by a pretty girl with a radiant smile.

There would be time for everything else when he was done. For now, he could simply exist in the moment. Sit and love his few minutes to himself before returning to the world.