Chris's New Sketches

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a radio program I created and produced in my college years. I'm posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

Chris: 23; actor with no tact

Kelly: 24; actor and writer

Janis: 23; actor and writer

Al: 25; actor, writer, and director

Darryl: 23; actor

SCENE

A stage at Second City

Chicago, IL

TIME

Present day

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SETTING: An undecorated stage. There is only a table and two chairs.

AT RISE: AL, JANIS, KELLY, and DARRYL are gathered together at the table. AL has notebook and pen; he writes down the group’s ideas as the meeting progresses.

KELLY: Alright, which sketches should we do for our next show?

AL : Well, we could do the giant porcupine sketch. That one always kills.

DARRYL : Yeah, but then we’d have to do the nervous dentist sketch, too. The giant porcupine sketch doesn’t make sense without it.

JANIS: But that sketch blows!

AL : We can rewrite it. We’ve got some time.

(CHRIS enters with a backpack.)

CHRIS : Hey, guys!

AL, DARRYL & JANIS : Hey, Chris!

CHRIS : Planning the set list for our next gig?

JANIS : Yeah.

CHRIS : Ah.

DARRYL : Hey, maybe we could do the fire ants sketch.

AL : I don’t know. That might not be very relevant anymore—

CHRIS : You know, guys, I’ve been thinking. We’ve kinda been doing the same few sketches over and over again for the past few months.

KELLY : Well, Al and Janis and I have all been very busy. We haven’t had much time to write new ones.

CHRIS : I’ve got that covered! I’ve written a couple new sketches I think we might be able to use.

AL : Really? Alright!

JANIS : You never told us you could write, Chris.

CHRIS : Well, it’s kinda just something I’ve started doing a while ago. I wouldn’t call myself a full-fledged writer yet.

DARRYL : It’s still cool that you’re getting into it, though.

JANIS : Yeah. Did you bring any copies for us to look at?

CHRIS : Oh, yeah! I’ve got them in my backpack.

(CHRIS produces copies of one of his sketches from his backpack. He passes the copies out to his troupemates.)

KELLY : “The Adventures of Super Boyfriend Man”. Interesting title.

DARRYL : Okay, so who would play who?

CHRIS: Oh, I think you would be pretty good as the bartender. I actually wrote him with you in mind.

DARRYL : Cool.

CHRIS : And Al, you can be the antagonist, Vladimir Jerkov.

AL : Chris, I think it’s pronounced “yehr-koff”.

CHRIS : Yeah, but that’s not as funny.

JANIS : Which character am I, Chris?

CHRIS : You’ll be Brenda, the waitress. And I’ll be the main guy, Max Denton—aka Super Boyfriend Man!

KELLY: So...that makes me Sheila, Max’s reporter girlfriend?

CHRIS: Well, that is the only part left. Okay now, let’s get this read-through started!

(CHRIS, JANIS, KELLY, and DARRYL step to the side of the stage.)

AL : Alright. “Lights up. Heroic theme plays in background. Super Boyfriend Man stands triumphantly, front and center.” There’s an announcer bit; I’ll do that. (clears throat) “Presenting The Adventures of Super Boyfriend Man: the greatest man to walk the earth, the envy of every significant other!” Blackout. “Episode One: The Flirt.” Lights back up, revealing bar set.

CHRIS : It won’t be anything to elaborate. Probably just a couple stools.

AL : “The bartender stands behind the bar, cleaning a mug with a rag. Sheila enters, then checks her watch.”

(KELLY and DARRYL take their places. AL walks to the side of the stags.)

KELLY : “Ugh, where is he? He’s normally very punctual. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.”

(CHRIS steps into the scene.)

CHRIS : “Sorry I’m late, Sheila. An old lady needed help crossing the street.”

KELLY : (slightly hesitant) “Oh, my strong, considerate man!”

CHRIS : “Oh, I’m just an average Joe. Really.” Wink.

(JANIS steps into the scene.)

AL : “Enter Brenda, the waitress.”

JANIS : “Hello! Can I get you anything?”

KELLY : “Sure. I’ll have a whiskey sour.”

CHRIS : “I’ll just have a soda. I’m driving.”

KELLY : (less passionate; slightly irked) “Oh, my strong, responsible man.”

CHRIS : “Aw, shucks! I’m just a regular guy!” Wink, wink.

JANIS : “I’ll go get your drinks.”

AL : “Brenda walks over to the bar. Enter Vladimir Jerkov.” Ope! That’s me! (clears throat; steps into the scene) “Hey, baby. The word of the day is legs. How ‘bout you and me go to my place and spread the word.”

JANIS : “You’re disgusting!”

AL : “C’mon! That was my best line! You have to go out with me now!”

JANIS : “No, I don’t! Now, go away! You smell like a cologne factory!”

AL : “Uh-uh! You’re not getting away that easily!” Jerkov grabs Brenda by the arm. (lightly puts his hand on JANIS’s arm)

JANIS : “Hey!”

DARRYL : “Leave her alone, pal!”

AL : “‘Butt out, barkeep! You’re coming with me now!’ Jerkov hoists Brenda on his shoulders.” (to CHRIS) You know I have a bad back, right?

CHRIS : Just keep going! We don’t have to do the hoisting. You just have to be menacing.

AL : Okay. “You’re coming with me now!”

JANIS : “Help! Help!”

CHRIS : “Excuse me, Sheila. I have to go to the bathroom.”

AL : “Max exits.”

(CHRIS walks to the side of the stage.)

KELLY : (gradually more annoyed as she reads) “Why does he always have to go to the bathroom whenever something like this happens? I’d say it’s his greatest flaw, if indeed he has flaws.”

JANIS : “Help! Help! Let go of me!”

AL : “‘Rawr! Come along now!’ Enter Max, now fully in costume as Super Boyfriend Man.”

(CHRIS jumps back into the scene, striking a typical superhero pose.)

CHRIS : “Hold it right there, you cad!”

AL : “Oh, no! Super Boyfriend Man! Go away! She’s mine!”

CHRIS : “Not without her consent, she isn’t! Hah!” (fake-punches AL)

AL : “Agh! Curse you, Super Boyfriend Man! You are much too smart for us naughty people! I’m gonna go home and whine about this on the internet! Waaah!” Jerkov exits. (steps to the side of the stage)

JANIS : “Super Boyfriend Man! My hero!”

AL : “Brenda kisses Super Boyfriend Man on the cheek. Sheila marches over to them.”

KELLY : (annoyed and flat) “Hey. Get your hands off him. He’s my man.”

CHRIS : “Wha?! Sheila! How did you know?”

SHEILA : “A woman knows.”

CHRIS: “Well, fear not, my beloved! Though I may be Super Boyfriend Man to the world, I will be an actual boyfriend only to you!”

KELLY: (not having it) “Oh, my strong, romantic man.”

AL : “Sheila and Super Boyfriend Man make out. End of scene.”

CHRIS : So, what do you guys think?

KELLY : Chris, I think you wrote this sketch as an excuse to get me to kiss you.

CHRIS : What? No! I would never!

JANIS : I don’t know. It seems to me like the main point of that skit was to have Kelly flatter you and make out with you. There wasn’t much else to it.

DARRYL : Yeah, and I only got one line!

KELLY : Look, do you have anything else?

CHRIS : Sure! I have this one about two teens in a car at Make Out Point.

KELLY : Let me guess: you’re the guy and I’m the girl.

CHRIS : Well, that is kinda what I had in mind for it—

KELLY : You got anything else?

CHRIS : Well, I’ve got this other skit about a cop who stutters. Darryl, this would be perfect for you, this cop character.

KELLY : Alright, let’s try it out.

(CHRIS goes to his backpack, pulls out copies of the aforementioned sketch, and passes them out.)

AL : I’ll do stage directions again.

CHRIS : Oh! Uh, there’s two more characters in the skit: Blake and Hannah.

KELLY : I have this horrible feeling that’s you and me.

CHRIS : Well...

KELLY : Let’s just do this.

AL : Okay. “Lights up. Blake and Hannah are sitting on a park bench, making out.”

KELLY : Nope! Nope! I’m sorry, Chris! I’m not doing this. I don’t know what this weird obsession is you have with me, but it ends now! I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this anymore! You have got to go!

JANIS : Yeah, it is getting kinda creepy.

CHRIS : You guys really all feel that way?

AL : Yeah. I do not feel comfortable having you around right now.

DARRYL : Besides, I read ahead in this script. The stuttering cop has a Brooklyn accent! You know I can’t do accents, right?

CHRIS : I see. Well...I guess this is goodbye, then. I won’t stay where I’m not wanted. It’s been fun, though...I hope you can find someone to take my place in time for the show.

(CHRIS exits. A beat.)

JANIS : Okay, Al, is your brother still free to do the show next week?

AL : Oh, yeah. I asked him last night. So, what other sketches are we gonna do?

KELLY : We could do the break-dancing nun sketch. That killed in Peoria.

(JANIS, AL, and DARRYL voice their agreement.)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)