Chaos

*Disclaimer: This is a piece of Harry Potter fanfiction. I own no rights to the characters or plot, this story was simply written out of love and inspiration years ago.*

I don’t remember much about that boy.

I can’t picture his smile that I know I loved so much; the way the muscles in his arms twitched whenever his nerves got the best of him; how his cursive differed from my own. It’s difficult to think back so many years when you have moved on with your life to great extent like me. I have come so far over the years. I have finally settled down with the love of my life and now have daughter of my own and hopefully at least another child on the way. I never would have thought that I would love motherhood as enormously as I do but then again, life is full of surprises.

Surprises. That’s how it all began.

I was surprised to travel to a new school for a competition that I had heard little about. Stunned when I, out of everyone else from my school in attendance, was chosen to participate in this aforementioned contest and represent my entire school and nation. Even astonished when I realized that one of the other contestants wasn’t all that bad, or evil, you could say, like I had promised myself to deem every individual I was up against. The truth was that none of them really were in the end but the former stuck out a bit more to my eyes.

Cedric Diggory was quite the opposite but I failed to allow myself to get close to him at all. I wanted to at one point, I really did. I took an acute interest in him from the second I found out who he was. It wasn’t as though his name was really known outside of this school so it seems extremely strange to me how he ended up catching my eye out of everyone but I suppose that someone had to. I could not trek all the way to a fresh academy and expect myself not to fall for one of the many guys who considered this place to be a second home. It was impossible to think of and therefore unfeasible to commit to.

This crush of mine however didn’t go away as easily as I would have liked. Could someone even call what I had going for him a crush? Personally, it was more a fascination than anything else. But it was enough to annoy the hell out of me. All my life I had been a straightforward, independent woman and although men had been a part of my life at some point or another none of them were ever enough to take that trait away from me. Cedric was no exception but I fear that at one point I wanted him to be just that.

I attempted to get him off my mind by focusing every ounce of my concentration on the tasks at hand. I had a lot to live up to and wasn’t going to throw away glory simply because I didn’t allow for my mind to be at its best every second of every day. I continued to admire him from afar but rather than flirt I fear that I was much too hard on him instead. You may be wondering internally how I could have been rude to a boy but let me tell you, it isn’t very difficult.

For instance, the day that Rita Skeeter- that lunatic of a woman who wouldn’t know the truth if it bit her on the nose- came to interview the four of us contestants Cedric took it upon himself to prop open the door for my exit, the gentleman side of him shining a million times brighter than the sun. I didn’t thank him like anyone else would have gratefully done. As an alternative I decided to support the autonomous individual that I was with throaty snort. I didn’t turn around to see his expression because the façade I was pulling but the sudden throb in my spine told me that his eyes were not only boring into my back but that they also were brimmed with delicate bewilderment.

I had smirked suggestively at the thought, pleased to know that he had noticed me in some way. That there was plenty to get me by for the next few weeks because not long after that the staffers of the three schools made an announcement that changed the course of my thoughts entirely.

The Yule Ball came into full view and I was more than determined to get Cedric to escort me. The only problem was the fact that he probably wasn’t all that interested in the champion from Beauxbatons in the first place. I was nothing to him compared to the bait that lurked around this place, drowning in make-up and showing off their childishly fake smiles. At least I was real, completely and entirely true to myself. I didn’t need to wear make-up to better my features- I was beautiful enough without all of that crap. I was convinced that those aliens would be the ones to hook him while I would be left in the shadows, unable to fend for myself because I was never given the time of day.

Therefore I was extremely pleased when we ran into each other as I was headed back to the carriage one night after the announcement had been addressed to all. I was curious as to why he was outside in the first place but then again he had many, many reasons to be out for a late night walk. He was probably just frustrated with the tournament and needed some time away from the people who tended to horde him nearly every waking hour of each day. I didn’t blame him one bit. I found myself needed to get away from crowds more often lately than ever before, a side effect from the overall stress of what my life was providing me with. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the attention and the fame but on top of the tournament and daily schoolwork publicity wasn’t a positive.

“Delacour,” Cedric addressed as he nodded his head, his lips folding over and under each other.

I replied with the use of his surname and stopped, praying with all of my heart and soul that he would halt in his steps as well but, unfortunately, his long strides brought him past me instead. I felt my heart drop and turned my neck backwards to watch as he took a few more subconscious steps before turning back around and meeting my face with his eyes once more.

“How have you been doing with everything by the way?” His eyes twinkled magnificently in the moonlight and for the second time that night I felt my heart fall limply to my nearly numb toes.

“Eh, very good thank you. This tournament is overwhelming however. I can't get a break!”

Cedric chuckled loudly before me, formulating a response in his head. “Yeah, I agree with you on that one. I’ll be glad when all of this is over and we can get back to our usual lives. This ball might be just the thing for us competitors to calm down a bit but then again maybe not. It could end up amassing even more pressure on us all.”

“Yes, that is so. So you’re not looking forward to the ball?”

“Not really, as sad as it is. It’s just a hyped up gathering to try and get everyone to forget about the danger that we are in every time we go out there and compete. It’s sad. People these days have no idea what all four of us are going through. Although, I suppose we got ourselves into this mess on our own. I entered and I guess I have to pay the price now, don’t I?”

“We all do,” I assured him with a small smile. I didn’t want to come off rude to him anymore. Sometimes my desire to be entirely my own person gets in the way of my moral judgment but I was not going to let that happen right now. I wanted Cedric to want me and if that meant showing him that I wasn’t totally against him that’s what I would do. After all, I really wasn’t after his downfall at all. I desired for him to take the glory more than myself. Many would think this weak of me but it was not because of my attraction to him. It was simply because I understood that he deserved the title more than a pathetic, over-hyped veela such as myself.

“Well, goodnight Fluer,” he bid goodbye bringing his hand up in a waving fashion. “Rest up, okay?”

“Goodnight,” I responded, carefully showing off my perfectly even, dramatically white teeth. I didn’t need his admiration but it was simply a habit of mine to make myself appear as pretty and easy to get as possible. I did want Cedric, at least somewhat, but I knew that this little thing I had going for him would come to an end soon enough. If not soon, the end of the year and that was something I could live with. I wanted to get over this now but I knew that wasn’t exactly a plausible goal for me. I had to learn to rid myself of initial standards.

He turned back around and trotted toward the castle, walking back on the very path that I had taken to get to where I now stood, fascinated. My heart was still swimming in my toes and I wasn’t sure how accurately my assumptions were made in guessing the amount of time that I would have to stand on this very spot, unable to move. It was not a very welcoming feeling for me and I could not even begin to express how desperately I wished for the feeling to just vanish forever.

Naturally, it was due to come back at some point in my life but I’ll get to that a bit later on if I don’t decide to end my story sooner. You can probably guess due to what I have explained already, that is, if you were following along when I told you where I was now and what I was up to as of late.

Anyway, back to the tale at hand, the Yule Ball bounced closer and closer and I found myself beginning to fall into some sort of a panic. Not a real one, but definitely something that I wished never to experience again. Cedric had yet to ask me to attend the ball with him and I feared my list of guys was diminishing as we speak. I had already been asked to go by a countless number of boys but turning them down was the only thing I could do while my heart and head were stuck on another man. What if he never asked me? What if I didn’t get to experience that magical night I had dreamed of many nights before? I continued to worry and fret until the day I was sure it was going to finally happen.

For meals, about a fourth of Beauxbatons sat at each table and my sister and I had been seating ourselves at the so-called Ravelclaw bench ever since our arrival here. It was a nice table but the other tables probably wouldn’t be that bad either, that is, if I had chosen to sit there. They were definitely not as splendorous as the ones back home but then again nothing in this place was. It would do for our purpose here however, no matter how gorgeous our own were.

Therefore when I saw Cedric get up from his table one morning during the course of breakfast and walk confidently in my general direction I could only begin to imagine what was going through his head. I desired to hear the gears click for myself but obviously that was not relatively possible on my part. Instead, my heart sped up uncontrollably and my eyes watered in mist. He continued his walk a sturdy look on his firm yet gentle face. He was vastly handsome and I found myself glued to him with every move he made, whether it was noticeable or not.

My heart tore itself up and lit on fire when a sudden and new realization took over my brain, ever horrific and forever devastating.

Cedric passed by me without a smile or even a simple acknowledgement, an action that broke me even further. Instead of stopping at my side and whispering sweet nothings into my ear he moved down the bench four more people and halted himself by an awaiting Asian girl, her eyes hopeful even through the distinguished outlines of make-up that covered them. A new swarm of hatred and jealously wrapped itself around my heart, crushing and squeezing out all of the feelings that I had ever possessed for the man down the row. I didn’t want to forget him but I was certain that it was the only way to keep myself from falling any further. Just forget him and move on, I had told myself right then and there, promising to do just that as soon as I could.

But it wasn’t over just because I swore it was. No, it most certainly wasn’t over.

Once again, I ran into him on my way out of the castle and to the carriage, that night in fact. My heart leaped out to him but I tightened my grip on my jacket and swallowed in the cool winter air, keeping it as much in its place as possible. I didn’t smile at him or even acknowledge his presence; rather I just continued on as if I hadn’t noticed him in the first place.

He didn’t speak this time either, almost as though he knew that I didn’t desire to talk to him. How could he though? It wasn’t obvious that I liked him, was it? I had made sure that it wasn’t to everyone in this place, including my sister. No one could know simply by looking at me. It was impossible. He didn’t know and neither did anyone else.

Our bodies passed on the trail and neither one of us met the other’s eyes, me out of fear and him entirely because of some other internal reason that I wasn’t sure of. The fact was that we didn’t even try. I didn’t try to make him struggle to ask me to the ball and he didn’t make himself do it. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to or not but he didn’t and that was truth enough.

This time however he didn’t jog the rest of the way into the enormous castle in haste to reach the interior. He took his sweet time, firmly placing one foot in front of the next, a pattern that allowed for his walk to go slower than usual. I turned on my heel, halfway, and tossed my head to the side as I watched him dawdle further and further away from me. I only surveyed him for a few seconds however before once again heading back to my carriage. The night wasn’t over though. As a took a more and more steps, separating us further, I felt Cedric’s intense gaze on my back as I had before and knew that how I felt for him had to vanish altogether.

And that’s about it. I went to the Yule Ball with a somewhat handsome boy named Roger Davies and Cedric escorted his beloved date who I had later learned went by the name Cho Chang. The night wasn’t as magical as I had desired but I had a great time and Roger and I ended up going out a few times after that, even though nothing came of it. The rest of the year passed by relatively quickly and before I knew it I was standing with the three other champions having a pep talk of sorts with Professor Dumbledore.

“Now I wish each and every one of you the best of luck. Remember to always keep your guard up. In this maze more lurks than anything that any of you have ever experienced and for that you must be able to have faith in yourself and your mission, more so than anyone in this audience right now. Good luck.”

We all muttered a quick and easy “thanks” before departing from the little square that we had formed. As I attempted to break free and move forward due to the fact that the entrance assigned to me was on the opposite end I accidentally stepped on the large foot of one of three men beside me. Looking up, I was met with the bright green eyes of Cedric Diggory. My heart didn’t fall to my toes like it would have a few months ago. It didn’t speed up and cause a newfound dizziness to cross into my head. Instead my body remained intact, just as complete as it had been before the interaction.

“Zorry,” I piped up as I lifted my foot off of his and pushed past him. He didn’t reply- at least not from what I could tell- due to the fact that I had left the scene so quickly.

Directly before Harry and Cedric were due to leave I turned to watch them. Well, one of them at least. At the same moment he turned his head slightly in my direction and our eyes met. I passed him a gentle smile and then mentally prepared myself for my heart to drop like it had before. Was the past going to recur like it should? No. No, it never did.

Harry and Cedric then entered the maze and from there everything was a blur. Soon both Viktor and I were in the maze as well and the third and final task was in full swing. I had no idea what to expect from the task but then again, I doubted that anyone else did either. We were all in the same boat and with that each of us were enveloped in fear, or so I could imagine. I had never been so frightened in my entire life, even during the Black Lake task. The others had to be at least a bit afraid. They had to be.

But what came next was more devastating than anything. After the maze had cleared because someone had touched the cup somewhere inside of the maze only Viktor and I remained, something that worried everyone greatly. Where were Harry and Cedric? What the hell had happened to them? The audience and the staff were in thespian panic and I found myself falling into it as well, not knowing where else to sit. My mind was growing fuzzy with the stress of not only the night but the year as well. I could no longer concentrate on what was going on.

But then everything changed. My mind became clear as an enormous whooshing sound erupted around the stadium and the forms of Cedric and Harry appeared out of thin air. I was severely close to the scene and could see the bruises and cuts that marred across the young Potter’s face but Cedric, to my dismay, could not be seen from my position or anyone else’s I feared. He was lying in the ground, stiff as a board and Harry’s desperate squeals against Dumbledore’s advancement and the help of other staffers told me that something was very, very wrong.

Harry’s pleas got louder and more forceful and the entire stadium was quiet except for him. No one wanted to ruin the chance of hearing what was going on. I hated to admit it but back then I knew no more than they did about what had just gone on. I was a champion and I was utterly clueless. That didn’t seem right in my opinion.

I screamed when my mind knit together and came up with a reasonable conclusion. Harry’s distress, Cedric’s solid position, the cuts and bruises that couldn’t have only been from the maze itself; I knew what had rarely ever happened before had just now taken place and it was wholly unbearable. I couldn’t help it. I wailed again and soon the professors’ worst fears were confirmed.

Cedric Diggory was dead.

This is where I figured out how I really felt about him- right then and right there. I had desired him at one point in my life- I had, I’ll admit that right now so no one gets confused with what I have to say next. But I didn’t fancy him when he died? Not at all. I wished for him to live, to get the chance at a longer, more successful life, but I hadn’t fallen for him in months and obviously never would or could again. He was just one of those guys who comes and goes. He was just a boy who seemed to fit the exact definition of perfection and because of that it was natural that I found him charming at least once in my life. I just ended up taking things a bit further than that.

But I have moved on since then. Cedric wasn’t my first love or my true love- just one of the several loves that I have had over the course of my life. I won’t forget his traumatic ending, I mean, who ever could? The way he died and the fact that he did in the first place is simply preposterous. But now that I am married and have a family of my own going for myself I see no reason to have to live in the past. Cedric was my past but only a small part of it. He did not influence my life today and he most certainly wasn’t a component of it.

He was just history and that is where he will rest in my heart forever more. I do, after all, have a lot more to look forward to in life than a pretty boy from years ago.