Chaos

I know, it's my problem. I miss him too much. I can't help but think of him. I can't follow the advice from ChatGPT not to check his status. I miss him so much, I can't text him, call him, or visit him. But I can at least look at him online. I know he's not there, and he won't text me with a high possibility.

I don't know why I always suffer this kind of restriction in relationships. I feel so sad, frustrated. All the happiness from the day before has gone. What is left in my heart is only sorrow. Maybe I have to retake the medicine. Perhaps it's because of the period. The dessert doesn't help, the liquor doesn't help, the dance doesn't help, the diving, surfing don't help. Even chatting with my lover doesn't help. I need the medicine. I know the best medicine is him. But then? What can we do? Get together again and repeat the impossible relationship and hurt my husband again?

I'm like begging him in my heart, please, please send a message to me. I miss you, I need you. Please don't mention my colleague or any other girls again. I want to be the only special one for you, though you're not the only one for me...

What happened to me on Earth? I was chatting with him last Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Then we met on Sunday. We already have 4 days a week. That's much more frequent than any of my other friends already. But I was still staring at the screen and waiting for his message, showing how much he likes me. But I can't give him the future. I can't even give him kiss. I feel I'm in jail and can not go outside to pursue my demand, desire. Because after so many years, I finally wanted as the one exclusive to my lover.

After several long chats with my lover, I found I may finally be able to let go of my feelings for him. Then I initiated the chat with him and told him everything, again. Confessed to him.

Initially, I just wanted to tell you that I like you too, to confirm your suspicions or affirm your feelings. I hope you can see your own worth. But I accidentally fell in love with you, a relationship that was destined to end in failure. I'm addicted to you and want to possess you completely, which is why I'll be jealous and angry. Even though I have a boyfriend, my desire for you is greater than his.

When you told me you wanted my colleague to be your girlfriend, I broke down. I couldn't believe you could change your mind so quickly. I'm hurt, so hurt. It's not so much that I'm angry with you, but rather that you feel deeply hurt. The deeper my love for you, the deeper my pain.

But after this incident, I realized that you can fall in love with someone else at any time, so I'm neither special nor important to you. You're not as unique as you said before. This makes me sad, frustrated, and disappointed. So if we were ever in a relationship, it's over, even though I still can't help but like you.

In the future, I think I'll like him too, all the time. But I can put away all the expectations of him. Because I know he's not the one who could satisfy my demand, need, and desire, except for physical touch.

"Lo siento si te ise sentir mal. Perdón." That's the answer. Simple, with lots of possible meanings behind that I'll never know.

I hope I can let go of this relationship, the feeling for him. I really like him a lot, I can't control it. But finally, I found an excuse to leave. I have to leave resolutely. This could be a perfect chance/excuse. I hid the WhatsApp again, but kept the recent conversations, to remind me that I'm not the only one for him, not special, not important, not unique, at least not anymore. I started to feel a little relieved. I've been extremely responsible for my own and his feelings. I've made myself brave enough to face all the problems instead of escaping from them. There is no greater sorrow than a dead heart. He denied. But I know at the moment when he was asking me to share the 2 love songs with her and caring about her, what was her reaction to his phone number... Not to mention that he assumed he would kiss her and said she could be his girlfriend. I can feel he's interested in her, in real.

I kept asking myself. Why do I like him so much? His good looks? He likes me? His tender? His eyes? Long and curled eyelashes? His sad situation? His kindness? I thought it was all of these, also, because of all the things that happened between us based on the above attractions. I hope I can bring him happiness and drag him out of the sad situation. I can feel he's happy when he's with me. I'm always doubting the Casanova judgment from the kind boss. I can feel his real emotions when I am with him. I feel like I'm having a normal love story with a real man, instead of endless imagination in my mind, and having phone calls every day.

I was trying to prove to my lover that I can really control myself. However, every time, I was turned out to prove he was right. I cannot control at all. I just fell into my own desires every time.

I definitely know that my lover is my best half. But I just can't help to miss him, think about him, all the time. The emotion is even much stronger than my lover nowadays. Because my lover put too much pressure on me, intentionally or subconsciously. Though I enjoy the beautiful love with him, especially mentally, I desire the physical touch with him, tenderly but strongly.

Why are you a person like this?! If I don't have s*x with you, nothing happened. I've give you my hand, my hug, my kiss, even my body. But you say nothing happened?

You're the third person to possess my body, besides my boyfriend, the other person I almost married.

You left me wanting more.

You know? When I was in high school, I had a crush on a boy for over two years. I had two best friends, and I told them how much I liked this boy. As a result, for the past two years, this boy hung out with my two friends, but he never liked me.

And we weren't going to have love last night because of your period.

Okay,

I want you.

But we have to wait.

When I was in high school, I often told a good friend of mine how much I liked a boy. Later, this good friend hooked up with the boy I liked, and she told me that because she'd heard so many good things I said, she liked that boy too.

Hopefully, what?

You're not on your period.

You left me wanting more.

So, can you understand? When you asked me to share love songs with her, when you said you wanted my colleague to be your girlfriend, when you asked me if I wanted your phone number, when you showed interest in her and concern for her health, I felt so sad and heartbroken.

Calm down

I know clearly that I can't give you what you want, but selfishly and madly I want to possess you.

I desire you

I can desire you more than you desire me. So I'm going to kiss you hard and fast, I want you all for myself, right now,

Yes

So how will we do it if you have your period and I want you?

I've been looking at your pictures from last night after work today. I miss you so much. I like you so much.

Even if I don't have my period, we can't have sex.

That was my last line of defense. Last night I broke a line of defense. I said I couldn't kiss you, but I kissed you like crazy.

And your friend?

If we had sex, I would lose control of myself even more. I'll go crazy, and my boyfriend will die.

I can't tell him what happened last night, otherwise his health won't recover. He has to see a doctor today.

I have an endless desire and urge for you, and I don't know why.

I want you

Maybe it's because you want me too, and no one has ever expressed their desire for me the way you have. I've always been a person who lacks love.

I want you

But I can't stay with you like this forever. I have my boyfriend, and you too need to find the love and the lover who truly belongs to you.

But when your period is over, we'll do it.

Yesterday, I came here hoping to talk to you. I promised my boyfriend nothing would happen between us, but after spending some time with you, I couldn't help it...

I want you

Shall we what?

Love

I can't

Yes, we will

I want you

No, I'm not going to your house

Okay

I can't

I respect you

I can only give you what I had last night, that's all I can give you, and I hope to give it to you just once.

Nothing happened

That's practically all I have. How come nothing happened? Don't you appreciate them? Holding my hand, hugs, kisses, my body...

Yes, but we wouldn't go, love held me back.

I respected you.

What you say makes me feel like I've given almost everything, but I haven't received your recognition and appreciation.

I did everything I shouldn't have done, and you think I did nothing?

We didn't make love.

If you only want sex, I'm not the one for you, go find someone else.

But thank you.

I respected you.

Not only that.

I'm sorry, I can't give you what you want. I'm not right for you. What you need isn't me yet, but someone who likes you and can have sex with you.

We didn't have it.

But thank you for the moment

I felt unworthy, even ashamed. I like you so much that I've given you everything I can't give you, but you're still not satisfied. As long as we don't have sex, it means we haven't done anything. I can't understand or accept that I gave myself to you like this, and that you only value it out of gratitude. I was shocked and disappointed.

I respect your thoughts.

But thank you for the moment last night.

What am I in your heart?

Special.

No, you make me feel like I'm just someone who likes you and should satisfy your desires.

In other words, among those who love you, I'm nothing.

My love, I held back a lot last night, and I want you.

I hope this stays between you and me and I never do it again. Let's get this over with.

Ok.

Thank you.

Is this your answer? I feel so ridiculous.

I didn't say anything bad to you.

I want you, but you can't reciprocate.

I see, I'm sorry.

Is reciprocating with you just making love?

No,

what? You only think about your boyfriend.

I've done so much, and you're still saying the same thing. You're really driving me crazy. If I had only thought about my boyfriend, I wouldn't have come yesterday!

What do you think I was doing yesterday?

I'm going scuba diving. I'll talk to you later.

For you, I came to see you despite my boyfriend's opposition and did everything I promised not to do, and you turned out to say this. I feel like nothing I do is worth it. Why can't you see my love for you, my dedication to you, and even my betrayal of my boyfriend? I thought that even if I couldn't make love to you, at least I could give you everything else. Why did you tell me that? I'm so sad... Why did you hurt me like that? Why...?

I know why now, I've done the wrong things, that's the retribution. I brought this upon myself.

I thought everything has been resolved and we can be friends or brother & sister and try our best to be together. But he wants to leave me, make both of us alone. I don't know what I should feel. Only feel chaos. I feel painful in my heart, my stomach, my mind. I burst into tears immediately. I have to breathe deeply to inhale my tears. On the other hand, I feel relieved. I don't need to bother about how to deal with this headache problem anymore. I'm free from all of these things finally, though not in a way I prefer. If everything has changed back to before, as he said, I don't know what would happen indeed.

We like each other, we want each other. But we can't be together. Fine. Let it go. If he wants this to be the end, at least we have a happy ending. I've given him all that I can provide, and I'm not able to give. No regretful anymore. Nice ending. No smile, no talk, no chat, no contact anymore. Like strangers. At most, be polite. He left...