Changing His Story

"Just one second," Sharonda cooed as she rocked her screaming son Messiah in her arms.

At just nine months he was already getting hard to carry around while multi-tasking due to his chubby figure.

"Almost done," she cooed again as she tested the warmed milk on her wrist to make sure it wasn’t too hot.

Before she had a chance to place the bottle in his waiting mouth, he pulled it out of her hands and threw his head back drinking greedily.

He was up passed his normal nap time because he was teething and uncomfortable and any little noise woke him up.

Walking to the living room Sharonda sat on the plastic covered sofa ignoring the loud squeaking and scrunching as she tried to get comfortable.

She hated when her mother left the plastic on because it always made the back of her thighs sweaty and sticky when she stood up.

After finding a cozy spot, Sharonda cradled Messiah in the crook of her arm and smiled down at him as she fed him his bottle. She loved the way his brown eyes stared back up at her like she was his whole entire world.

"All he does is cry all day because you sit there and hold him. That's why he spoiled now!"

Sharonda looked up as her mother Carolyn walked into the living room holding a beer in one hand and smoking a cigarette in the other.

"He's not spoiled mama he was just hungry. Plus, its normal to hold them all the time at this age."

"Mhm, he gone cry whether he hungry or not. That’s all I hear all damn day. And I know what’s normal or not girl. You think cuz' you had one kid you know every thang!" Carolyn argued as she sat in her recliner that she kept directly in front of the old T.V.

Sharonda cradled her son closer as the cigarette smoke started filling the living room. She wanted to retreat to her room, but she knew her mama would only follow her, and she didn’t want the smoke sticking to the walls and curtains where her and Messiah slept.

She knew her mama was picking a fight and it was best to let her get it all out of her system than to walk away from her.

"You need to go back down to welfare and see what’s takin' them so long to approve you for some food stamps. The least you could do is help put some food in this house," Carolyn continued fussing.

"I told you they said that you had to go with me since I was a minor" Sharonda answered quietly.

She cringed hoping that her mother wouldn’t think that she was talking back. The last thing she wanted was to get into another argument and her mother kick her out. Just two weeks ago her and Messiah were couch surfing to avoid child services from taking them both in and separating them.

Messiah started fussing as he chewed on the bottle nipple while making noises.

"I don’t gotta' do a damn thang!" Carolyn screamed. "That’s okay, you'll be eighteen in a couple weeks. I bet you'll figure out how to get em' then when you stayin on the street" she added, slurring her words as she threw her glass beer bottle against the wall behind Sharonda’s head.

Sharonda covered Messiah’s body with her own as glass and beer flew around them.

Instead of answering her mama Sharonda grabbed the frozen teething ring from Messiah’s bouncer and handed it to him to keep him quiet. There was nothing that she could do to calm her mama when she got angry, so she knew the best thing to do was get their stuff and leave.

Her hands shook as she slowly started placing everything around her in his diaper bag while trying to think of a way to leave without causing further issues. She was afraid that her mother would hurt Messiah during her outburst, and she needed to get him out of there.

She learned the hard way that her mama liked to feel in complete control and didn’t like when Sharonda avoided their arguments.

"Those darn kids knocked over nem' trash cans again!" Victor screamed walking through the front door while slamming the gate behind him.

Messiah jumped in Sharonda's arms before letting out a loud scream just as the front door slammed rattling the walls.

"See, I told you all he does is cry," Carolyn scowled shaking her head before turning her attention on her boyfriend.

"Hey baby, how was work?" She asked in a sickly-sweet voice that she used only for him.

Sharonda cradled Messiah tighter as her heart pounded quickly. She knew if she stayed any longer things were going to get physical.

"Take him outside or somethin'. He was cryin' when I left this morning and he still cryin' now!' Victor huffed annoyed.

"I'm tellin' you, all that boy do is cry," Carolyn rolled her eyes.

Sharonda took a deep breath as she tried to calm Messiah down while trying to balance all of their things in her arms. Her son hated all the screaming and loud noises that went on daily, and it frustrated her to no end that she couldn’t do anything about it.

Using Victor’s words as the excuse she needed, Sharonda headed to her room to grab her duffel bag that she kept underneath her bed and placed it in the bottom of Messiah’s stroller. She always kept their most important things packed up along with clothes and necessities just in case she had to get out last minute.

Placing Messiah in his car seat and hooking it to the stroller she headed back out to the living room and towards the front door.

"Pick me up some Newport’s while you out there" Carolyn screamed as Sharonda left.

Without answering her back Sharonda pushed the stroller down the driveway heading towards the park that was at the end of the street. Her heart was heavy as moved around beer bottles and trash that riddled their neighborhood.

Her shoulders dropped in defeat as she thought about her life. Getting pregnant at 17 had not been her plan. Her grades were good enough to get her into college and her counselor had shown her everything about financial aid and explained how her mama wouldn’t have to pay a dime for her to go.

Once Messiah came Sharonda knew that there was no way that she'd be able to go to college and be a mother, even if she went locally. She couldn’t afford daycare and didn’t trust leaving her son with her mother for more than an hour at a time.

Looking around her neighborhood again she felt her heart tighten at the thought of her son growing up in the same environment that she did. She was so sure that she would be the one who got out. She thought she would do better but there she was, starting another generation in the same place that she was raised in.

She watched as the boys on the corner laughed and rolled dice as the young neighborhood girls walked past in short shorts and revealing tops to get their attention. She cringed as cars sped passed her with music booming loudly and people yelling out the window.

Turning into the park Sharonda sat on the first bench that she seen. Grabbing the diaper bag, she pulled out Messiah's blanket and his favorite stuffed barn owl plush. Handing him the stuffed animal she wrapped the blanket around him and then began moving the stroller back and forth to lull him to sleep.

She sat for a while watching the neighborhood kids. Some played basketball, some were blasting music and having rap battles, and others were running around setting trash cans on fire and then watching as they burned out.

She knew without a doubt that her son couldn’t be raised there. Her stomach tightened at the thought of him being on the corner selling drugs or running around destroying property just because. He definitely couldn’t remain in the house with her mother and Victor without being harmed physically and emotionally.

Her fear heightened when she realized that there wasn’t much, she could really do to change her situation. The government had placed her on the waiting list to provide free housing for her and her son, but they would just place her in the same type of place just a different location.

She wanted so much more for her boy but had no idea what more looked like. All her life her mama bounced them from one project building to the next. With no bills and low expectations her mama got used to the lifestyle and never tried to do anything to get into a better situation.

"What you over here thinking about so hard that you ain't here me callin' you?"

Sharonda smiled as her best friend Lacey walked up and kissed Messiah's chocolate cheek.

"Look at my nephew gettin' all big," she giggled before sitting next to Sharonda on the bench.

" Girl, I was just thinking about how I want to move somewhere else. I don’t want my baby growing up just to be a dope boy or for my mama to treat him like she does me."

Lacey stared at her friend for a moment deciding on her words carefully. Everybody talked about leaving but not too many people made it out. She didn’t want her friend making rash decisions only to be stuck in a worse situation than she was.

A lot of the girls walking up and down Main Street looking for a John were trying to move somewhere else too before running back with their tail tucked between their legs.

"Look, I talked to counselor Ridley, and he did say that it’s not too late to do the financial aid. It covers your dorm, food, and whatever materials you need for school. You could get a job after class to pay for daycare," Lacey explained.

She wanted her friend to have her best chance out there if she was going to go.

Sharonda nodded taking her words in. She knew it made sense, but she worried about Messiah being away from her for that long throughout the day. Someone would have to watch him while she was in class fulltime and then while she was working.

She looked down at her son once again as her mother’s words ran through her head. "I don’t see why you tryna' let somebody else raise yo' baby. What’s the point in going all the way to anotha' state for schooling, just to not see him all day? You might as well have gave em' up like I told you to do."

Her throat clogged and her eyes filled quickly as she wondered if her mother had been right. If she had given Messiah up for adoption, he would have been with a family of her choosing being raised in a better environment than the one that she was providing. She had even gone to the agency and listened as they explained that she could do an open adoption where she would still be able to see and get updates on him. She had seriously considered it after hearing her mama tell her about it eveyday but when they placed him in her arms for the first time and she watched as he sucked on his little fingers, she knew there was no way that she’d be able to let him go.

Lacey placed her arm around her friend's shoulder hugging her tightly. She knew it was hard for Sharonda to deal with Carolyn and Victor growing up so it must have been hell dealing with them while trying to take care of a baby.

She wished there was more that she could do to help but her own mother was already taking most of her checks from working at the mini mart to help take care of her five younger siblings.

“Why don’t you go to Jayceon’s?” Lacey asked as she rubbed her best friends back.

Sharonda’s shoulders shook as she cried thinking about having to take her son to his father’s parents. They were well established, lived in a good area, and wanted a relationship with their grandson; they just wanted it without Sharonda.

The last time she’d seen them was after Jayceon was killed in a drive by. She had stopped by to pay her respects and his mother was adamant that they take full custody of Messiah to give him a better life. They blamed Sharonda for their son’s death since he was leaving from visiting her and their son when he was killed. Sharonda had been furious but the more she thought about it the more it made sense. They really were the better option and she hated that.

Jayceon was well respected at school and had a full ride scholarship to Duke before he died. He was valedictorian and stayed out of trouble. Losing him had been hard enough without the thought of losing Messiah too. Sharonda felt her world spiraling and didn’t know if she would remain upright long enough to fix it.

“I think I’m going to go ahead and let Messiah stay with them. At least he’ll be with family, and I know the Kennedy’s will look after him the right way.”

Lacey looked down at her friend as tears of her own started to spill. She knew it was a hard decision and she didn’t want to try giving advice on something that she knew nothing about.

“You think they’ll still let you see him?”

Sharonda shrugged her shoulders as she thought her decision through some more.

“Maybe I can make that a requirement, like, I get him on weekends and can see him throughout the week. I think they want him bad enough to agree” She thought aloud.

“Look, you know I support you in whatever decision you make but just promise to think hard about this. They could take you to court, they could get full custody of him”

Both girls sat on the bench hugging each other sadly as they looked down at Messiah sleeping in his stroller.

Sharonda wanted what was best and she knew that sometimes that wasn’t always easy. All her life she’d watched her mother be selfish and abusive and she knew that keeping her son in that type of environment wasn’t going to go well.

She knew she had to do her best to get him out of their horrible environment and somewhere he’d have his best chance at life. Her heart cracked at the thought of not waking up to see him smiling up at her while chewing on his fingers, to not be able to watch him grow, or see any of his firsts. Tears spilled as she realized that she wouldn’t be able to hear him call her mama for the first time.

Lacey sat consoling her friend as much as possible. She knew that Sharonda loved Messiah more than life itself and felt bad that she was having to make such a big decision. Most girls in their neighborhood ended up pregnant before eighteen but they usually just adapted and continued living life the same way their parents did. There were generations of family living in their projects who just never made it out. Lacey always knew that Sharonda was different. Even though she grew up the same as the rest of them she always wanted more than what was in front of them.

“Ain’t that your case worker?” Lacey whispered as Ms. King made her way to where they were sitting.

She looked out of place as she tried walking through the trash and rocks in her pants suit and high heels.

Sharonda’s heart dropped as she realized that she must have done a surprise visit. She knew that her mama would do anything to get Messiah taken from her and she was afraid of what Ms. King had seen if she went inside of the house.

“Call me later” Lacey whispered before getting up and walking in the opposite direction. She avoided what she called “them people” as much as possible to avoid any spotlight being placed on her and her siblings. She was doing everything she could to prevent them from being split up in foster homes. She was the one that had scared Sharonda so badly about them separating Messiah from her.

“Good morning, miss Sharonda” Ms. King smiled sitting in the spot that Lacey had just occupied.

Sharonda tried her best to remain stoic and not give anything away, but her heart was beating faster than it ever had in her life. Her thoughts ran rampant as she imagined them taking her son away and putting him in foster care. With the Kennedy’s she at least knew where he was and could keep track of him in his life. If they took her son now, she felt that she would never see him again. She’d seen it way too many times in their neighborhood. The case workers promising the girls that they’d be able to get their baby back once they were established and could take care of them but then failing all their home visits and telling them that their child would be safer elsewhere.

Sharonda felt as if she couldn’t breathe as she looked down at her son clutching his stuffed animal while sleeping.

“I found a spot for you and Messiah in the program I was telling you about a few months ago. Your room and board will be taken care of and you either go to school full time or you can work, it’s up to you. There is a curfew and there are rules that if broken would lead to your expulsion from the program. The group home has a maximum of six mothers at one time and a spot just opened up a few hours ago.” Ms. King explained getting straight to the point.

She knew Sharonda didn’t trust her and did everything in her power to try and get her and her son in a better place than they were currently. Ms. King had dealt with Carolyn plenty of times to know that Sharonda and Messiah weren’t safe there for much longer.

Sharonda turned to look at her not able to contain her tears as her case worker continued.

“There is an onsite daycare, counselors, and you’ll receive vouchers for things that you may need like diapers, baby food, wipes, and most other products. It is two counties over and we would need to leave now to sign you in. That spot is going to go fast- “

“Let’s go” Sharonda interrupted her.

She couldn’t hold back her sobs anymore as a huge breath of relief escaped for the first time in years. She was finally going to get out and it would be with her son. She would be able to provide a fair shot at life.

The tidal wave of emotions made her think of Jayceon’s parents. She knew that once her and Messiah were established, she would reach out to them again and try and offer another chance for them to be in Messiah’s life. Just the thought of losing her son was enough to make her feel like her world was falling apart and the Kennedys had actually lost their one and only child.

When Ms. King offered to take her home to grab her things, she shook her head. She knew that it was best to just walk away and write her mama a letter later. There was nothing left for her there and she didn’t want the big scene that her mother was sure to cause. The duffel bags that were beneath the stroller held everything she needed.

As they drove off Sharonda smiled down at Messiah in his car seat. She loved the fact that she was able to change his story. He wouldn’t grow up in the same box that she lived in. She knew she had a lot of work to do, and the program was only a steppingstone, but that was all she ever needed, a chance. She’d be able to take care of the rest.