Casting Them Out into the Snow

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin.

I wanted to immerse my senses into this moment, but the feeling I had imagined was better in theory, when I booked the Air BnB a few months ago.

Despite the season, I was running hot. In aversion to the inner dialogue I was currently creating and experiencing in my head, I suddenly had a strong desire to conjure a tangible sensation from within, bewitchingly akin to the cold outside.

As we glided through the icy terrain with effortless poise, my fiery internal demeanor was far from graceful, stark in contrast to the peaceful world outside the window and the vessel that carried us.

From the loftiness of the F-150 we seemed to hover, rather than create traction, over the icy dirt road. The impeccable suspension system in the vehicle was similar to my emotional spectrum in one way.

I felt, too, as though I were levitating over the physicality of myself.

The heat of my emotion was white hot and I felt as cold as the ice looked. I shivered.

The motion of the world outside the window slowed down and the sound of crunchy ice became more audible. I imagined tiny ice crystals bursting under the weight of the thickly treaded tires.

“We’re here! We made it.” Jeremy said to me. He brought the truck to a halt next to the cabin, in front of what I assumed was a parking sign, as it currently appeared to be a snowy pole with a vertically flat, snowy square on top. My thought for response was illegible, like the sign, but I mustered a kind smile in the blue light of the foggy twilight. Nova, my Anatolian Shepherd, let out a soft bark from the back seat, signaling her awareness of our arrival.

“Thanks for driving us,” I offered diligently to Jeremy. “I’m sorry I’ve been cross today. I’ll try to mend it with a cup of chai when we get settled in, and I’d like to give you the back rub of your life in front of the wood stove.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows in interested grace. “Chai would be picturesque. And so would that back rub.” He wasn’t easily annoyed with me when I got this way, which was one of the infinite reasons I loved him. “And as for your crossness, I forgave you on the highway, and we’ve been on backroads for three hours.” He smiled at me as if I hadn't been a royal pill all day.

“Okay. Well, thanks. I promise to buck up and put out.” I smiled at him as though I were laughing at myself. When his eyes looked knowingly at me, I let his goodness sink into me, and forgave myself for the internal battle I’d been wrestling. “Let’s get after it.” I said, then winked at him and leaned over to grab the collar of his leather jacket gently, laying a warm kiss of my fiery heart on the tip of his nose. We were both running hot, but his heat was warmer. It melted the ice in mine a little, every time we made contact.

~

We unloaded Nova and the provisions we had brought, and walked the snowy pathway to the cabin. There were string lights hung in a v-shaped pattern at the entryway. Each bulb illuminated the gently falling snow, creating the illusion of a snow globe around each light. Nova did her business nearby, and as I drew the gold key from the front zipper of my backpack, we balanced our belongings on the snowy steps which led to the door of the A-frame.

We entered the softly lit cabin, Nova joining shortly behind us. Jeremy set down the luggage he was carrying, and put his hands on either side of my waist. I was still weighed down by the backpack and basket I was carrying, but I let him go in for a long draw from my mouth. I could see our breath mix between us as his lips collided into mine, as there was no fire yet lit in the off-grid space which we found ourselves. I set down the basket while still kissing him, and dismounted my backpack onto the wood floor.

We crossed the room, lips locked, walking over a skin rug and moved towards the bed. It was adorned with a tribal-patterned blanket and lots of comfy pillows. There was a wooden tray at the foot of it, a basket on top which contained a bottle of wine and some charcuterie characteristics. Jeremy moved the gift to the table at the end of the bed, and came to meet me.

His touch was expectant and eager, and I did not mind his lack of patience.

Our lips exchanged places on our anatomies as we undressed and pressed our warm bodies together fervently under the cold blankets. I remembered the moment in the truck mere minutes ago, how I had been longing for the cold snow to become tangible within me. Yet now, every fiber of me moved towards his warmth and I discarded my previous desires. They had no chance at comparison.

~

After warming up together, we laid in a soft embrace, his face was pressed into my neck. I felt my sweat drip down onto his cheek, and he stirred gently, wiping it in my long tresses. His smile was felt before it was seen. “Let’s have that fire.” He said, then looked mischievously at me and added, “I mean, more fire.” He bit my chin gently, lifting himself off the bed and tucking me into the blankets like a burrito. “You stay there a minute.”

I breathed a laugh as he moved over to the stove and began gathering the kindling and wood from the brass cradle they were stored in. He had the stove blazing in under three minutes, and added a kettle of water to its surface to boil. “Piping hot chai, coming right up m’lady.”

I smiled big as he leaned in for another kiss.

~

The cabin warmed up quickly, as it was a small, well-insulated building. We brought pillows from the bed and made a pile to lean on in front of the fire. Nova laid by our feet, her fur glowing in the natural light.

“You know, I’m really glad you had the idea for a weekend getaway.” Jeremy said, sipping his steaming cup of creamy deliciousness.

“Yeah?” I said, moving in closer to our snuggle. “Me too, we are always moving from one project to the next. Everything else happens so fast, sometimes I feel like my heart is stuck in slow motion.”

“Well I feel it beating now.” He said tenderly. We paused conversation for a moment, watching the flames and listening to the crackle. “I don’t want to lose you.” He added after a few minutes.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” My eyes started to well up and there was a lump in my throat.

He set down his chai and wrapped his arm around me, setting his other hand on my belly. “Why don’t we just call bullshit on everything else and say we can deal with each other forever?”

“I just don’t want to make your life harder.” I said, looking at him through tears.

“Well then, don’t. You haven’t.” His hand moved to my face and he looked tenderly at me, wiping a rogue tear off my cheek. “I wanna marry you, Crystal. I don’t want your life to be harder either, which is why I think we need each other. Life would suck without you. And I don’t want to trust anyone else with you. I don’t think higher of myself than others, but no one deserves you.”

“What about all my demons?” I asked earnestly, seeking truth in his gaze.

“They’re nothing compared to the angel you are.” He didn’t hesitate to say this, and I could detect no lie in his statement. He really believed that of me.

“You’re the angel here, you and Nova.” I said, nodding a half smile in her direction.

“You know, I don’t think we see ourselves clearly all the time. Neither do we see others clearly. But I feel you entirely, and I know you are indeed an angel. It can’t be argued or proven false. The only place it is tested is in your own mind. But I believe in you, and I know you will again one day, too.”

“How will I believe again? It’s like everything I’ve experienced I’ve become, and I used to be so good.” I said, closing my eyes in a slight grimace. I hoped I didn’t sound so traumatized as I felt years ago. Some things had stuck over time and it was hard to differentiate the present from the past in my cells.

“Because you are still so good, and I believe in you. You’re not the past, and you’re not yet the future, but you’re closer to the latter than anything that came before.” He rubbed my arm with his hand and added, “I think sometimes the best people go the hardest paths, thinking they can change the bad things in the world. I don’t think the purpose is to change the bad things. I think the destiny is realizing that even though we may witness evil in the world, if we are truly good like you and me, it can’t change us.” He looked from the fire, to my eyes. “It hurts us to see it, but it doesn’t become us.”

“Thanks for saying that,” I said, scanning his face with gratitude. “I didn’t ever think of that before.”

“That’s what I’m here for. To remind you when you forget.” He paused, then held my face and kissed me with indissoluble devotion. “I don’t expect you to remember everyday, but I’d love it if you can try. I don’t need you to do it for me, because I won’t forget you. I just want you to remember who you are everyday, at least once, until it envelops you and you never forget again. I know the suffering you endured, but you don’t have to suffer anymore. I intend to make sure of that, and I will die in the midst of my efforts even if you don’t believe it.”

I moved towards Jeremy, crawling behind him and wrapped myself around him, holding him for a few moments. My hands then moved over his body like a dance, massaging the tight places in his shoulders and caressing the softness in his lower back. We moved closer to the floor so he could lay flat, where I continued to massage him, until he fell asleep.

I brought blankets to his place on the floor next to Nova, covering him gently so as not to wake them. Then carefully, I slinked into the safe space beside him under the blankets. I drifted in moments, holding him like a treasure.

~

In the morning, light poured into the windows of the A-frame, casting golden glints of magical glitter across the snow outside, and onto the blankets inside where we lay. It was as if the snow decided to become us instead, that the cold had melted away, and even the ice was warm.