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Calling Moscow - 9

by Lana V Lynx 5 months ago in Satire
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Two friends talking about attending a funeral

By Ukrainian political cartoonist Oleh Smal

This conversation happened on July 10, 2022

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

“You are hard to reach these days…”

“I’m in the middle of the war, Donnie. Been busy.”

“Which war?”

“With Ukraine.”

“Oh, I thought it was a special operation.”

“Don’t be coy with me, Donnie, it’s a war now that Ukrainians are putting up so much resistance. They are so stubborn, it makes me mad! [slowly raising voice]. They are making me shell their cities into dust and appropriate their grain. [almost shouting] They should just bend to my will already, to save their lives. But no, they had to put up the resistance so that I wage a real war upon them!” [voice crescendo]

“Wow.” [shocked, trying to process] “Anyway, Vlad, I won’t take up too much of your time. I just have a quick question.”

“Yeah, what is it?” [deflating]

“Uhmm, are you going to our dear friend Shinzo’s funeral?”

“Are you kidding me, Donnie? I’m in the middle of the war! I can’t go anywhere, I’m under sanctions!”

“But would you like to, if you could? I’d think Japan would make an exclusion for this occasion.”

“Of course, I would like to, to pay my respects. I can’t believe Abe is no more, he was two years younger than me! Shinzo was a good man, I liked him a lot.”

“I liked him even more, and I’m even older. Strange how it happens. He treated Ivanka really well, too. Tremendously well. I wanted to go with her, but I’m still mad at her for the Unselect Committee deposition. Can you imagine, my own daughter said she believed the fucking traitor Barr!”

“I’ve seen the deposition, Donnie” [tired and disinterested, rubbing his eyes].

“Yes, yes, I’m sorry. It’s my family matter, I’ll sort it out. Besides, Ivanka and Jared are now in Morocco anyway, can you imagine? Like they need a vacation! Such a hard life, I gave them everything!”

“Ungrateful bastards!”

“You think so?” [confused]. “No one called Ivanka a bastard before… But anyway, about the funeral. If you go, I’d definitely go.”

“Again, Donnie, I’m under sanctions. Can’t travel anywhere.” [weighty pause]

“Well, maybe I can do something about that, Vlad.”

“What do you have in mind? Can you lift the sanctions?” To the side, smirking “You couldn’t do it even you were the president…”

“Not really, with that imposter Sleepy Joe in the White House. He really doesn’t like you, called you a murderer.”

“No need to remind me, Donnie.”

“Sure, you remember. But, I have my own plane. A glorious, big and fast Trump plane. I could give you a ride. I haven’t been in Moscow for so long! It would be nice to see the city again. Beautiful city!”

“I’m not in Moscow, Donnie.”

“Really? Why?”

“Too much of a security risk, I have to be careful. Now that I’m at war with the Ukraine, everyone wants to kill me. My security tells me they thwarted at least a dozen assassination attempts on me since March, so we move around a lot. Good thing I have a big country with a lot of places and palaces to stay.”

“Oh, I see. Anyway, I can pick you up wherever you are. You just tell me where and I’ll be there. And then we could go to Tokyo together.”

“I’ll tell you what, Donnie…” [intriguingly]

“What?”

“It might not be such a bad idea. I need a distraction and it would be nice if Abe is sent off properly, by his good friends. Let’s do it!”

“Seriously, Vlad?”

“Of course! Why don’t you start working on the logistics from your end, and I will see what I need to do from here to take a couple of days off.”

“Deal, I’ll call you back as soon as I have the details, Vlad. I can pack quickly and be in Russia tomorrow. I’m so excited! I may finally see you soon!”

“All right, I’m eagerly waiting, Donnie.” To the side, after hanging up, “Let’s see how long it will take for him to walk this back…”

About 20 minutes later.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

“I have bad news. I can’t go to Russia, apparently. Makes me so mad!”

“Really???” [over-exaggerated surprise] “Why?”

“Can you imagine? My Secret Service guys said I can’t go.”

“Oh, really? Why is that?”

“Security reasons, apparently. They said there can be an assassination attempt on me in Russia. And then my devastated and angry MAGA fans will start another Civil War at home or something like that. Imagine, a new Civil War because of me!”

“Pffft, nonsense! No one would make an assassination attempt on you in Russia. People here love you.”

“That’s what I told my Secret Service guys, too. People in Russia are not there to hurt me. They like me just as much as they love you. And they love you a lot! So they like me a lot, too.”

“Exactly! Besides, you’d be with me, I have my own security detail too.”

“That’s what I told them, exactly! You might be the most guarded president in the world right now. So well-guarded!”

“If only you knew, Donnie. It can be exhausting.”

“Tell me about it, I had it for four years! Can’t do that, can’t go there, too many people with guns there!.. But they also said that you might decide to kidnap me…”

“Me??? Kidnap you??? What kind of stupid is that? Why would I do that to my friend?”

“I know it’s fucked up even to think, but they said you’d use me as a hostage to negotiate with Biden about Ukraine.”

“C’mon, Donnie, are they really that stupid?”

“Seems so. Anyway, they will not give my plane the clearance to fly to Russia. But I want to fly. I’ve tried everything, to change their mind. They are not budging. It’s like January 6 all over again, when they wouldn’t take me to the Capitol! To the Capitol, Vlad, where all my people were! Can you imagine, I’m the fucking president! And I can’t tell my own security detail to take me to Russia? So fucked up! Oh, they also said that some people in Russia may throw pies and tomatoes at me, can you imagine? What a mess!”

“That’s really stupid! You are not coming here for a rally, who would even throw anything at you if you just land, pick me up at the airport, and continue to Japan?”

“That’s a good point, I didn’t think about it. It would be good to have a rally in Russia one day, though…” [dreamily]

“That’s something to look forward to, maybe it can happen one day. You know you can ditch them, right, Donnie?”

“Who, Vlad?”

“Your Secret Service. They are just your post-presidency perk. You can refuse it if you decide to do so. Don’t you have your own private security service?”

“Yeah, but it’s nice to have the government-paid Secret Service. For status, you know. And they are so good! The best! If I ditch them now, they may take it away from me forever. I can’t lose this perk, Vlad. It’s too good. Security is soooo expensive these days. Too expensive! Just recently, I had to hire more security for my Alaska rally. I’m still trying to figure out how to pay for it. Don’t want to use my own money, need to see if CPAC will pay the bill.”

“Why is that, by the way, Donnie?”

“Why is what, Vlad?”

“Why did you have to hire more security in Alaska? Don’t they all love you there?”

“They do, but you can’t be too careful these days. Can’t be too careful. Especially after what they did to Shinzo. Can you imagine, they don’t even sell guns in Japan!”

“Isn’t that ironic?”

“What?”

“That that psycho killed Shinzo with a hand-made gun? Such a pointless death, Abe was not even their prime-minister anymore! It’s just like, when people tell me to step down and just retire. There’s no guarantee that some psycho won’t kill you even when you are not in power anymore!”

“See? That’s exactly what I mean! I just can’t be too careful. We have a lot of legal guns here in beautiful America. And I have not even announced that I’m running again!”

“Are you going to, Donnie?”

“Going to what, Vlad?”

“Run again or at least announce that you are running?”

“I don’t know, Vlad. Honestly, so much is going on, especially with the Unselect Committee on my tail! Do you think I should run?”

“I don’t know, Donnie. It’s really up to you. It would be probably easier for me if you were in the White House again, again.”

“Probably, Vlad? Why probably?”

“Well, I don’t know. You keep telling everyone that if you were the president I would have never invaded the Ukraine.”

“I have to say that, Vlad, so that people don’t suspect anything between us. But of course I’d do everything to help you when I’m president.”

“Ok.” [unenthusiastically]

“By the way, what do you think of Sarah Palin? Wasn’t she magnificent at the Alaska rally?”

“I didn’t watch your Alaska rally, Donnie.”

“I know, I know, Vlad. You are at war, no time.”

“It’s a special operation, Donnie.”

“I just can’t get it right by you now, can I?” [laughs nervously] “Anyway, I was thinking of maybe, if I run, making her my vice president.”

“Didn’t she try that already?”

“Yes, but with that pompous buffoon McCain. He just didn’t know how to unlock her potential. Isn’t she magnificent? Such a fighter! She’d fight for me to her death! So strong, smart, determined! A real mama bear, as she says.”

“You sound like you are in love, Donnie.”

“Well, I may be, just a little. Some people said I was looking at her too lustfully at the rally.”

“Really? Now I have to see that!”

“I’ll text you the link to the rally, Vlad, it was glorious!” [both chuckle]. “To tell you the truth, I thought of that.”

“Thought of what, Donnie?”

“I looked at her, singing me praises and firing up the crowds. I love it when people praise me, makes me feel good, you know?”

“Everyone likes that, Donnie.”

“Sure, but Sarah was something else. Beautiful, well-poised, and so determined, so smart! And I looked at her and I thought, ‘I’d do her, just because she loves me so much. And she probably wouldn’t even sue me!’”

“Eww, Donnie!”

“Why eww, Vlad?”

“She is so freaking old! Those eye and neck wrinkles! Can you imagine what’s she hiding under her clothes, after so many kids and so much booze? All those layered stomach fat aprons and stretch marks with cellulite? All women have them at that age, Donnie!”

“Eww, Vlad, really! Why did you have to make me imagine that! But Melania doesn’t.”

“Sure, Melania is special, Donnie.” To the side, “I wonder when you last saw her naked.”

“She is, but she is also getting older. You are right, we need to look for someone younger.”

“Oh, I’m all set for now, Donnie, for maybe another ten years or so.”

“Really? Someone new and younger?”

“No, not really. Anyway, it was nice chatting with you, Donnie. But I have to go now. Too bad we won’t be able to go to Tokyo together. It was a good idea, though, thank you for thinking about me.”

“Oh well, I probably won’t go there after all myself. Who wants to see death, anyway? Poor Shinzo, I’ll just send a nice note to his wife and kids.”

“Good plan, Donnie. You do your rallies, I’ll do my war.”

“Great. Bye, Vlad.”

“Bye, Donnie.” After hanging up, “What a fucking moron! But at least mildly entertaining. I needed this comic relief so much. I should probably call Boris Johnson in a couple of days, too.”

Trump, after hanging up, “That was such a good talk! Poor Vlad, so many burdens on him!”

Satire

About the author

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and dystopia under a pen name of my favorite wild cat.

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